BLURRYS ꨄ

It’s been five months since I started my meds.
          Somehow… I can tell I’m not the same person I was back then. I’m steadier now. My emotions don’t crash as hard. There’s this quiet calm I didn’t think I’d ever feel again. I’ve started smiling without forcing it. The happiness feels real soft, not loud, but real. I won’t lie. this journey hasn’t been easy. Sticking to the medication. Pushing myself to stay occupied. Choosing, every day, to do things that are good for me even when I didn’t feel like it. It took effort. It took strength I didn’t even know I had. But I did it. I really gave it my all.
          And lately, I feel lighter. Like I’m no longer suffocating under my own expectations. I’m not trying so hard to look “fine” anymore. I’m just… allowing myself to be.
          Now I’m slowly looking for a job. Trying to build something new for myself. A different life. A better one.

Today was my app with the psy. Honestly, my feelings are a mess.. everything feels tangled and heavy. But maybe getting a good doctor is its own kind of blessing. Every word that left my mouth hurt.. it’s painful to admit these things out loud. I’m still fighting this illness on my own. My medication dose was increased.. the doctor prescribed tranquilizers and sleeping pills, hoping I’d feel better within five days...I hate her. I truly do. I hate her so much that I sometimes forget how deeply I once loved her.. how I was willing to leave everyone else behind, just for her.

It’s been one month today.
          A month since the woman whose words destroyed me walked away as if nothing ever mattered.
          This video is my reminder  not to you, but to myself  of the pain you left behind.
          Thank you for teaching me how cruel love can sound when spoken by the wrong person.
          And I swear, I’ll make sure Fea never takes you back, no matter how sweet your lies may sound again.

This was me, just minutes after crying like I’d lost my mind.. because I found out she already had someone new.. Even after we weren’t together anymore, she still called me “not normal.”
          I was disappointed, because a part of me thought she’d at least say something kind, something encouraging. I never even hoped we’d get back together. But remembering everything only makes me hate her deeply. And I didn’t cry because she’s no longer mine. I cried because I felt stupid for falling in love with someone who called me insane.

i hope your life is filled with the same kind of misery you left in mine. i hate you. and i regret ever falling in love with you. 

I did my part. being better when I was with you, even when my mental health was getting worse. I did everything, let you hurt me, let you leave me when I needed someone the most, when I was at my lowest. No regrets. I showed you the best version of me that no one else got. it was just you, even when I was falling apart. Maybe we’re just not meant to be together, no matter how hard I tried to hold on.

Aku tak sanggup untuk bawa dia tgt dengn aku dlm journey aku untuk sembuh dri mental illness. Hidup dia sangat btter. Ada kereta. Motor. Kerja. Rapat dengan family. Tk snggup aku nak rmps kehidupan dia and kene tgt dengn aq and mental skli tiap kli kene hadap aku. Its okay. Ini cara aku cintakan dia. Lepaskan dia. Supaya hidup dia btter walaupun tak ada aku dalam tu.

Sekarang. Aku cuma bersyukur. Dia jdi lebih baik. Dia straight. Aku terluka dia takda dlm proses tp dlm masa sama aku syukur. Aku happy untuk dia. So aku teruskan hidup. Sebab kalau aku terus relapse tu cuma akan buat dia berat hati untuk berubah. Aku cintakan dia. So aku decide cuma cintakan dia dalam hti. 6 thun aku cintakan dia. Dan aku tetap akan simpan dia dalam hti. Tiada benci. Cuma aku hrp aku tk pernah jumpa dia lagi dimana mana walaupun bayang dia pun aku tknk jmpe atau selisih. Sebab aku tahu aku akan relapse. Aku akan lari jauh dri dia. Dia duduk negeri yg sama dengn kg aku. Ya. Mybe aku tkkn blik kg sebab tknk kemungkinan jumpa tu ada. Sekarang aku focus dengn mental aku yg dh rosak. Tentang aku dengn dia aku anggap inilah ending. Aku dah buat yg trbaik fix myself. Focus on her only. Aku simpan dia dlm hti. Life must goes on. So its okay. Iloveyou.

Rindu waktu aku okay. Btulla dia punca trigger yg kuat. Hati aku terluka dia tiada. Tapi aku juga tak begitu menggila sebab ada bantuan ubat. Aku sedih tapi aku juga menerima yg maybe kiteorg mmng tk boleh tgt. Jujur aku rindu dia. Tapi aku ubah cara hidup lebih sllu dengn mak and adik brdik. I'm fine even i'm not really okay bila relapse rindu dia. Dia bagaikan luka yang aku peluk. Ia sakit tapi aku juga ingin pertahankan. Lepas dia ckp dia dah straight. Aku tk thu diantara bersyukur dia jdi lebih baik atau terluka sebb dia tak ada dengn aq dlm proses sembuh. Well i guess love is not for me. But my mental important more. Maybe dia ditakdirkan cuma untuk ada dlm hti aku shj. Bukan dalam hidup aku.

Don't get in the water if you a fire. Imissyou.