CeeJay

Hey everyone,
          
          If you hadn’t forgotten about me then thank you! I don’t know exactly how many people read or enjoy my work, but I just wanted to post a small update. Things have been pretty tough over the last few months and I haven’t been able to write or post anything. I’m about to start college in September and that gives me the whole summer to hopefully get back to doing something that I really truly love. Lots of exciting and nice things are coming my way in the next few months to a year or so, and I finally feel like I’ve overcome my depression. I have my life in control again and I’m looking forward to the future and everything it holds for me. One of my best friends is moving in with me, I’ve got a baby shower to plan and decorating and stuff to do… everything is falling into place and I can’t remember a time where I was this happy. So please expect some good quality writing from me at some point soon, as I haven’t forgotten about writing and I still love it. I hope you all are good, and if you want to then feel free to follow my instagram where I frequently upload poetry @/_reckonable. And also, drop me a message! It’d be nice to know who’s reading my work! Ta for now x 
          
          (22-04-18) 

your bio wtf XD

Hey guys, gals and non-binary pals! 
          
          itcha boi coming at u with a new chapter !!1! 
          
          ok. remind me to never do that again. 
          
          but yeah pals, cringey introductions aside, my library manager at school's been reading typed and printed versions of this and she loves it so she's been asking me for more (you have no idea how cool that is) and so I've finally managed to type up Chapter Twelve of WTTR- so maybe my updates won't be so slow after all! I've already written Chapter Thirteen because that's how I roll, but I'll upload that once I've written Chapter Fourteen because I liked doing it that way before. So it's all good, and the next chapter is like ten A4 (written) pages long so it's a longer chapter than this one. 
          
          Anyway I just thought I'd let you know what's happening! Thanks for reads and votes etc. 
          
          Stay safe my dudes.

yooo guys i haven't forgotten about uploading here! but i've got a cool thing to announce!
          
          I'm working on getting published professionally by an actual publisher to sell books in acTual shops!! Obviously that means I've got to put a lot of work into the one book idea I've got right now, and plan it all out so they can see what I'm going for and how I got there, and in the meantime I'm going to be entering lots of writing competitions to see if i can get my name out there (fingers crossed that i can haha), and then once I've got this research done- there's a lot to do- I can start thoroughly planning my chapters from beginning to end and finally start writing it! Once all that's done, I guess I have to contact people to help me get into publishing. My school is helping me out a bit in terms of who to contact so thankfully I'm not by myself and shooting arrows in the dark, but yeah. 
          
          So this is a really awesome opportunity for me! But, the downside is that with school going on constantly and the fact I'm year 10 and starting to do my GCSEs ((exams that get me into college and university and that my future employers will look at and judge me for forever)) I am drowning in homework and the research and planning for this book is taking up a huge amount of my time, which ultimately means that updates to my books will probably take a lot longer than people would hope. 
          
          any questions or if you fancy a chat, my kik is MirrorButtLester so you can hmu on there! ((also my Instagram currently is @\mirrorbuttchristmas so follow me there too))
          
          Thanks guys! ✨

I could totally type up chapter eleven of Worse Than The Rest but I've had my phone and stuff taken for the last couple days so I haven't had the chance. I mean I could right now but I don't like writing on the mobile app so I will most likely just write chapter thirteen before I even consider uploading chapter eleven,, rip
          
          ((19-08-16))

We'd have been together for eight months today but instead we've been apart for four. 
          
          ((16-08-16))

Hey are you doing any better I just wanted to make sure because I can't have my favorite writer going out on me ya know 

wowie Worse Than The Rest just got 300 reads that's pretty cool thanks frens ☺️✨
          
          ((date: 15-08-16)) 

I started writing something the day after I had this really horrible nightmare. But I don't feel like my writing skills can even begin to draw on the actual pain that I felt in this dream- and after I'd woken up. I mean it should've been easy to just shake off, right? After all, I'd woken up and it wasn't real. But I could feel everything, and it was one of those dreams that was so real that you find yourself waking with a start and checking your body to see if you had any bruises or scrapes that you would've had in the dream. And in this instance, I had to check that I wasn't covered in blood. I checked the space next to me in bed to make sure that it was definitely empty. And when I realised that I was alone, i wasn't sure if I felt better or worse. So you see, I could publish it… but it wouldn't do it justice. Nobody would actually understand the feelings or what I saw because everybody interprets things completely differently, and no matter how i describe things, no two people will imagine the setting to be exactly as I saw it, nobody will consider the feelings in the way that i felt them, and nobody will understand the actual loss that i felt after that nightmare. and more than anything, nobody will understand why it's fucked me up so badly.

I don't want to do this anymore. Everything hurts and I can't make it stop and drinking is only fucking myself up even more- and even if it helped my mum won't buy me alcohol anymore because I drank half a bottle of strait gin and threw up a couple of nights ago and it's just got out of control now. And I don't have the guts to start cutting again because that's going to spiral out of control just like the drinking has and this is the third day that I've considered suicide now, and my dreams really fucked me up last night and i just can't stop feeling like this no matter how much I try and "focus on the good things" or "accept the past and look into the future" or whatever else, I can't do it anymore. I can't move on, I can't focus on any good things because honestly I'm crashing in on myself and sooner or later I'm just going to fade into nothingness and I wish this pain would just hurry up and finish me off because death can't hurt more than this. It really can't. Everyone leaves me and forgets about me and everyone will, it's inevitable. I can't believe anyone who says they love me- not even friends anymore. Maybe everyone is just silently hoping I'll disappear. I'm only gonna fuck my sister up if I stay in her life. I can't fucking do this. I just can't. And at some point, everything is going to stop, because I'll have the guts to actually go through with killing myself. It could be later today, or maybe two weeks from now. But this isn't going to get better because I'm no better than I was a hundred days ago. So fuck it. I can't anymore. I just can't.