Hope

That scene in modern family where Claire says "grab that little hoe" and Luke graves Hailey will forever be my favorite joke in the whole series

If you're going to follow me and then unfollow me as soon as I follow you back, you're only going to have that follow for like a day because I'm extremely petty and I will go through my entire following to figure out who it was

hi

I, for a second, thought that your new pfp was Lana Del Rey

Ain't no way you're gonna order a $60 steak while I order a $12 salad and the rest of the family ordered like $20 meals and then be the one to ask us to split the bill evenly.
          
          Don't piss me off istg

When my cousin stays over and we accidentally make a loud noise we both still instinctively freeze and pretend to be asleep

When I was 11 my friend Roy gave me a stuffed frog. I named him Mr. Toad. He's green and stupid looking and has these dumb little purple freckles things, and I kind of hate him, but I got attached and I never want to get rid of him.

My cousin has face blindness, and while she can recognize most of us by other indicators if she looks, whenever we're at a family gathering she just guesses who each of us are and gets it right like 3% of the time

I consider myself a professional

The doctor told my sister she smelled nice and my sister just blinked at her for a second before going "Thanks, I bathe"