94

kendimi daha ne kadar gormezden gelecegim

Succumbing to the drifts, letting the currents drag you
          It could be a decoy but for now your eyes are closed and you ask,
          Can I fight back?
          Is it resistible?
          You can, but you choose not to because it feels like you'll end up alone
          That outcome itself too is a story made up in the mind, already forming a ripple of plots
          The mind is a doctorate at creating convincing illusions—a fraudulent architect that grounds up a world with no concrete
          What does it truly mean to live on your own lane when the lanes are all intersections
          We're all smart because we're fooling ourselves
          Introverts like me express their feelings without expressing their feelings...
          The planet seems to be an introvert...
          Everything is a mess because the adults are trying to clean things up
          I wish to stay uncorrupted but the gaslight of the century is that being human is a good enough excuse to let ourselves be evil
          Everything is a mess because the adults are trying to clean things up

nabersinizler ya

I only want to be there to kiss you
          As you want to be kissed when you need to be kissed
          Where I want to kiss you
          Cause it’s my house and I plan to live in it
          I really need to hug you
          When I want to hug you as you like to hug me
          Does this sound like a silly poem
          I mean it’s my house
          And I want to fry pork chops and bake sweet potatoes and call them yams Cause I run the kitchen and I can stand the heat
          I spent all winter in carpet stores gathering patches
          So I could make a quilt
          Does this really sound like a silly poem
          I mean I want to keep you warm
          And my windows might be dirty but it’s my house
          And if I can’t see out sometimes
          They can’t see in either
          English isn’t a good language to express emotion through
          Mostly I imagine
          Because people try to speak English instead of trying to speak through it
          I don’t know
          Maybe this is a silly poem
          I’m saying it’s my house
          And I’ll make fudge
          And call it love
          And touch my lips to the chocolate warmth
          And smile at old men and call that revolution
          Cause what’s real is really real
          And I still like men in tight pants
          Cause everybody has some thing to give
          And more important needs something to take
          And this is my house and you make me happy
          So this is your poem
          
          Cause everybody has some thing to give
          And more important needs something to take
          And this is my house and you make me happy
          So this is your poem

girlhood spectrum
          106 — 94

arkaplanimdayazan lar cok ozel di…………

evet yillar olmus yirmi sekiz ekim iki bik yirmi dortte YIM. ve resmen hesabimi duzenlemek uzereyim

az once panomdan son 6 ayda yazdigim her seyi silmek uzereydim ama vazgectim cunku silsem bile gitmeyecekler
          gitseler bile silinmeyecekler
          cok dogru soyledim
          gecenlerde bir gece (hangi gece oldugunu hatirlamiyorum ama gecenlerde olan bir gece iste) kedimi kaybettigimde yazdigim seyleri yirtip cope attim ama gitmediler cunku gitmeleri icin yirtip cope atmak yeterli degil 
          bazen her seyin gecici oldugunu unutuyorum
          bana hicbir seyin kalici olmadigini hatirlattigin icin tesekkurler yumito balim cunku her sey gecici oldugu icin guzel -mis.
          4 gun once babamla eve donerken sohbet ediyoduk. ona dedim ki “baba ben calisirken okulu cok ozluyorum ama okuldayken de calismayi cok ozluyorum”
          o da bana o zaman ikisini de ayni anda yap dedi. ben de durustce buna gotumun yemeyecegini soyledim.
          “benim sorunum calismakla ya da okula gitmekle degil, kendimle.” benim fic yazis saka mi
          ama baska hcibir sekilde anlatamam uzgunum.. neyse
          sonra bana, “sen kucukken anasinifina 2 gun gidince sikilirdin, arkadaslarini ogretmenlerini sikayet etmeye baslardin. sonra haftasonu tatilinde ben okula gidicem diye basimizin etini yerdin” dedi.
          suratima duvar gibi carpti
          neden hicbir bokun tadini o boku yerken alamiyorum
          bir seyleri ozledigim icin onlara ihtiyacim var saniyorum ama hayir hicbirine ihtiyacim yok
          birakmayi beceremiyorum onume bakip yurumeye devam edemiyorum niye ys neden olmuyor
          birkac gundur bunun uzerine dusunuyorum
          bazi seyleri birakmak icin yeterince cesur degilim diye buna cesareti olan herkesi catir catir kiskaniyorum cok korkak bi insanim
          
          [29.08.2024, 9:19:08 PM] hazal: hamza bir adet bisto sneijder bray alabilir miyim
           [29.08.2024, 9:19:34 PM] aylin: o nedir

buraya girince cocukken yasadigim eve gelmis gibi hissediyorum. oyle bi nostalji. merhaba

dusundum
          how do you run before learning to walk?
          
          izledim/
          
          (calinti)
          tanri’nin durusmasinda, soracagiz:
          “butun bunlara neden izin verdin?”
          cevap bir yanki olacak:
          “butun bunlara neden izin verdin?”
          
          dokuz aylik hamileyim
          .. teshis koymakta zorlandim ama icimdekini doguramiyorum iste
          sanki kendime dokuz aylik hamileymisim de suyum gelmis gibi. ama cocugum dusmus