girl on the moon

I will take a break of cross blades while i write my fully planned story glory!!! After i fully plan cross blades i will return to it hopefully!! 

Wow it has been a while... i noticed no one reads these or my stories but i have so much fun writing them.
          
          I was watching a series a while ago called "the chilling adventures of Sabrina", a really great series, and in this series Sabrina has a friend called Roz. 
          
          While watching the series Roz said something really important, and it felt as if it was directed to me too. Roz said she wanted to read alot of books before she loses her eyesight but eventually she loses it and wasn't able to read as many books as she'd like.
          
          Many people in our world hate reading books and prefer watching movies and some people like both. But it isn't just about sight, some people like to hear music, some like to smell fragrences, some like to taste food. However what if one day you lose one of your senses all of a sudden and you notice how you haven't done everything you wanted with them. Ypu haven't read all the books you desire, haven't smelt all the flowers, haven't tasted all the food, haven't listened to all the music... what would you do?
          
          Here is an advice, stand up and find another way! Most importantly, keep moving!

I read something that hit me hard. 
          
          We all go through a "phase" in our life. Some people fix it before it becomes worse and some are too afraid to do so it piles up and worsens by the day and that so called phase turns into a big problem.
          
          Let's take a cut for example. You didn't take care of it. It got infected yet you didn't even try to cure it. It kept getting worse and things kept on escalating and becoming worse and every time it took away a part from you until it had nothing else to take.
          
          The same happens with your mental state. If you don't solve the problem from the beginning it will keep getting worse. 
          
          Stage 1 is to clear the problem by yourself. 
          
          Stage 2 is to ask for help that can be provided in anyone around you. 
          
          Stage 3 is a therapist that can help you cure yourself in many ways.
          
          Stage 4 is a mental hospital which I read ISN'T A PRISON
          
          But the thing that I read that hit me hard wasn't about this. It said that you shouldn't belittle yourself on anything weather you are in the first stage and you are feeling like you are going to die or in the last stage and saying that your fine. 
          
          You might be in the first stage and having suicidal thoughts and you are too afraid to face them and that's ok. It's not easy to face them believe me. But don't say that other people have it harder and it's just a silly thing cause nothing about your health is silly. People have limits yours might be shorter than the rest and that's totally fine.

I had a thought out of no where
          
          I was thinking... There is a big probability I'll have cancer when I grow up... Or I have cancer now. A lot of my family members have cancer. 2 died but after recovering from it. 1 is still a child but that recovered. And 2 that are suffering from it at the meantime. So there is a big chance I too have cancer.
          
          I thought to myself.... What if one day it clicked and I had severe cancer. Let's say stage 4 cancer. And perhaps I died.
          
          I didn't find myself afraid. I actually found myself happy. Happy about the way I lived... The way I live... The way I will live... Happy with every step I make. With every decision I make.
          
          I'm not scared of death the way I'm scared of living. While alive I worry alot. Did I do this correctly? Did I miss something? Did I do something wrong? Living is hard! And I'm not afraid of it.
          
          I'm not saying I want to commit suicide. Don't get me wrong. But what I'm saying is that if I die in this moment... I'll be happy with how I spent my time. I might regret somethings but regret teaches us to live more.
          
          I've once been told that you are brought to this world crying while others smiled. You should work hard and die smiling while others cried.
          
          Death isn't a punishment or torture. It's relief from all your exhaustion on earth. It's your wings to freedom. Don't think do negatively about it.
          
          Always look on the bright side :)! 

Sorry for not updating regularly but iok be doing so soon after this writer's block disappears and I fix my schedule. I promise. :) 

I'm tired...
          
          I'm tired of living. I'm tired of breathing. I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of putting up with people's expectations. I'm tired of trying to erase my memory. I'm tired of trying to escape reality. I'm tired of my reflection. I'm tired of all this hate. I'm tired of these sleepless nights. I'm tired of my everyday life. I'm tired of being laughed at. I'm tired of being mocked. I'm tired of hurting people. I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of fearing myself. I'm tired of trusting people I shouldn't. I'm tired of trusting them again and again. I'm tired of showing a smile even when I'm broken inside. I'm tired of showing I don't understand when I actually do. I'm tired of showing I'm bad at something when I am actually foot at it. I'm tired of acting dumb. I'm tired of people telling me to love myself. I'm tired of people telling me how great I am when I am actually not. I'm tired of trying to fit in. I'm tired of proving people wrong. I'm tired of trying to become someone I'm not. I'm tired of being someone I'm not. I'm tired of faking a smile. I'm tired of forcing a laugh. I'm tired of seeing unhappy people. I'm tired of seeing people hurt. I'm tired of not being able to help. I'm tired of not doing enough. I'm tired of not being able to give away enough love. I'm tired of not being able to have fun. I'm tired of not being able to feel. I'm tired of not being able to cry. I'm tired of not being able to laugh genuinely. I'm tired of showing the brightest but most painful smile. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of people not getting it. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of myself.
          
          Now I will stop. No more trying. No more pretending. No more faking. No more fitting in. No more fake me. This is the real me. 

@CrazzyyCandy I am back stronger than ever. I wrote approximately half of the ff and now I am gonna write it here and upload it. So beware things are gonna get really messy.