You Don't Know Me

good lord it’s been a minute since i was here

“Never jack off a cactus. Because you’ll only hurt your hand. And the cactus’ feelings.” -Tré Cool

this is probably quite tmi, but i am panicking:
          
          THE DOG ATE MY FUCKING TAMPON. IT WAS DISCARDED IN THE TRASH CAN AND SHE CHEWED THE APPLICATOR. IDK WHERE THE REST OF IT IS. MY FAMILY SAW THE CHEWED UP PART AND DIDNT KNOW WHAT IT WAS, AND NEITHER DID I UNTIL I REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT AND SO NOW I WOULD LIKE TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM PERIODS BUT THAT DOESNT SEEM TO BE AN OPTION NOW. ENJOY YALLS NIGHTS, NOW.

ON TODAYS EPISODE OF I WANT TO DIE, WE HAVE ME, WHO TENDS TO THROW UP MIDDLE FINGERS AT THE TV WHEN MY LEAST FAVORITE CHARACTER COMES ON SCREEN. NORMAL, RIGHT? SO I’M WATCHING CLONE WARS, AND BARRISS OFFEE COMES ON SCREEN, SO OF COURSE I FLIP ONE AT HER. THE PROBLEM IS THAT I AM ON ZOOM AT THE MOMENT. WITH MY CAMERA ON. I HOPE NO ONE SAW BUT I THINK THE MEETING WAS BEING RECORDED.

STOP TELLING ME TO CALM DOWN LITERALLY HOW CAN I WHEN I FOUND A 50K IWAOI/MR AND MRS SMITH AU I NEED TO FINISH READING IT TONIGHT BEFORE I HAVE MORE HEART PALPITATIONS 

i remember that time you sang to me that weekend, “will you still need me, will you still feed me when i’m sixty-four,” but you never made it to that age.

YOU DUMBASS I JUST TRIPPED WHILE READING THAT THING AND FELL ON MY FACE AND THERE MIGHT BE A BRUISE

the amount of people i would unalive in order to see green day in concert is enough to put me 6 feet under in 2 days 

I JUST FOUND A BL AND IT’S BASEBALL BASED AND THE CHARACTERS ARE THE TALL, NICE ONE AND THE SHORT, MEAN ONE (sound familiar??) AND WAIT UNTIL YOU HEAR THE BEST DAMN PART: IT’S A MIDDLE-INFIELD RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE SHORTSTOP AND THE SECOND BASEMAN (SOUND FAMILIAR THIS TIME ??) ((can cortuve pls exist thank you))

I ACHIEVED 98,053 MINUTES OF LISTENING TO SPOTIFY THIS YEAR SO COME AT ME AND MY Bb4 PITCHED TINNITUS