gray

hi everyone, 
          this is my first time logging into this account in over a year now. 
          on new meds and honestly just trying to be as stable as i can be. i have been with my boyfriend for six months now. he’s pretty cool. i’m in his bed right now and he’s snoring.
          
          i don’t think i’ll ever write again the way i used to. any creativity i once had left with my last round of meds that didn’t work lmfao.
          
          but yea, there’s a lot of bullshit but that’s how my life’s been going recently.
          
          ~g

i just realized that i’ve never dated someone who wasn’t ashamed or embarrassed to be with me. and that makes me really fucking sad. 

fun lil health update: 
          
          since my last post i’ve had two different infections (one of them i almost needed to be hospitalized??) and fucking gum stress ulcers?? don’t ask me what that is cuz idk. 
          
          i’m also extremely depressed and am tragically still hung up in my ex which is so embarrassing and i hate myself for it! 
          
          anyways,,

update on the terrible decisions:
          
          they’re progressively getting worse bro

IM SO FUCKING STUPID
          
          WHY DO I MAKE SUCH TERRIBLE DECISIONS

g o d he needs therapy why is he putting it on me again why is he doing this again 

i think it’s really odd that you can love someone so deeply and not know them a few months later.
          
          i do miss him. i miss everything about him. but he’s so far away, what we were is just so far away and i’m starting to forget the little things i used to love. 
          
          i have nothing right now, but at least i have that. 

and it scares me a lot not to know you anymore, but i don’t know if i want to. i don’t want to know this version of you.
          
          this man hit me up because he was feeling sad, insisted we meet up, convinced me to let him see me, proceeds to say he can’t handle seeing me but is ready to talk, THEN GHOSTS ME.
          
          that’s my life right now. being ghosted by my ex boyfriend who texted me first. HE IS ACTING LIKE I’M THE INITIATOR. 
          
          
          i muted his instagram (that’s where he posts all his frat shit and i’m honestly so tired of seeing the notification) and i’m going to delete his playlist i made when i’m back home for the holidays. 
          
          he doesn’t get control over me anymore.

he is so fucking selfish. he doesn’t give a fuck about my feelings. he only cares about his own validation. and i’m done with it. 
          
          i’m done. 

so a little fun update:
          
          my ex hit me up. it’s been a very rough few days.
          he wants to see me tomorrow before i go back to school.
          
          i’m about to vomit lmao