hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          	
          	New art piece!
          	“What have you done to me this time”
          	https://pin.it/7H8zU6hXF
          	
          	Wow what an active week for me, unfortunately November seems to be very busy, I will attempt my best to resemble a pace like this though.
          	
          	May 2025 was so weird, when my nose got broken and I got surgery to get it straight again.
          	When I woke up from the anaesthesia, I started hyperventilating, because I could not breathe.
          	
          	I was in lots of pain, I was very disoriented, they did three rounds of strong painkillers on me, my bpm reached 150, to be honest, I was not even high or anything, just fearful.
          	
          	After that mess I was brought to my room, which I have drawn today, of course, it was not nearly as cute as in the art piece, but I like to imagine it was.
          	
          	I tend to do that a lot, because I so vehemently believe in the good of…everything, I just tend to ignore or paint over bad things with pretty colours and symbols.
          	
          	After my mother’s short visit (she just brought me some stuff I had requested her), I stayed in the quiet of my room.
          	
          	It was very depressing, getting no visitors besides your mother just bringing you stuff once a day really does deal a massive blow to one’s ego.
          	
          	I remember being only 3 hours awake a day.
          	On the first day after surgery, I just cried all day, as I was given more and more pain medication, nothing relieved anything.
          	
          	All this, the pain, the broken bone, the surgery, the blood, the tears, all this could have been avoided.
          	I did nothing evil to deserve this particular treatment.
          	
          	Yet I received it, all is well, I suppose.
          	
          	♦️♦️♦️

hamato_mikey

Ah and because I was awake merely 3 hours a day, one could claim, that I did not notice visitors.
          	  
          	  That is untrue, I sleep very lightly.
          	  I also slept this much because I had nothing else to do, I tried to get the day to pass faster, I often woke up frustrated, because my sleep meter was maxed out, yet I continued.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          
          New art piece!
          “What have you done to me this time”
          https://pin.it/7H8zU6hXF
          
          Wow what an active week for me, unfortunately November seems to be very busy, I will attempt my best to resemble a pace like this though.
          
          May 2025 was so weird, when my nose got broken and I got surgery to get it straight again.
          When I woke up from the anaesthesia, I started hyperventilating, because I could not breathe.
          
          I was in lots of pain, I was very disoriented, they did three rounds of strong painkillers on me, my bpm reached 150, to be honest, I was not even high or anything, just fearful.
          
          After that mess I was brought to my room, which I have drawn today, of course, it was not nearly as cute as in the art piece, but I like to imagine it was.
          
          I tend to do that a lot, because I so vehemently believe in the good of…everything, I just tend to ignore or paint over bad things with pretty colours and symbols.
          
          After my mother’s short visit (she just brought me some stuff I had requested her), I stayed in the quiet of my room.
          
          It was very depressing, getting no visitors besides your mother just bringing you stuff once a day really does deal a massive blow to one’s ego.
          
          I remember being only 3 hours awake a day.
          On the first day after surgery, I just cried all day, as I was given more and more pain medication, nothing relieved anything.
          
          All this, the pain, the broken bone, the surgery, the blood, the tears, all this could have been avoided.
          I did nothing evil to deserve this particular treatment.
          
          Yet I received it, all is well, I suppose.
          
          ♦️♦️♦️

hamato_mikey

Ah and because I was awake merely 3 hours a day, one could claim, that I did not notice visitors.
            
            That is untrue, I sleep very lightly.
            I also slept this much because I had nothing else to do, I tried to get the day to pass faster, I often woke up frustrated, because my sleep meter was maxed out, yet I continued.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          
          New short story!
          
          ♦️♦️♦️
          
          
          https://www.wattpad.com/1586586382?utm_source=ios&utm_medium=postToProfile&utm_content=share_writing&wp_page=create_writer&wp_uname=hamato_mikey

hamato_mikey

I apologise for relapsing again.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

I always have a good phase and a bad phase.
            I was actually in a good phase, but writing this story reopened the wounds too soon and now I am prematurely in a bad phase.
            
            Ah reminds me during my hello kitty phase with my art pieces, every single one of these drawings actually dug up wounds, that I was either ignoring or coming to terms with.
            
            Not necessarily old, but…I was dealing with it.
            Ah and for this story I did the same thing again, but I am still proud of it, because I wrote it down, it exists now, it is there, less deniability, I tend to do that with myself a lot.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          New art piece!
          „Red flag“
          https://pin.it/18Bu3zrQV
          
          I got inspired by my constant self sabotaging, I was actually supposed to sign the contract last week to move into a house with roommates, finally out of my parents’ home - however, as the owners were finalizing everything, I declined, deleted my account on the website and blocked the new roommate’s number, actually deleted it even.
          
          Because at the end of the day, no matter how edgy I speak on here, I always follow rules, never broke any, not in secret either.
          I was always a good girl.
          
          The pose of the figure, which represents me, by the way, is actually a reference to the iconic „But I’m a cheerleader“ poster, the one with Megan.
          Everything looks totally fine, perhaps a bit old fashioned.
          
          But I am actually a huge red flag.
          I have it all.
          - Fear of being loved
          - Self hatred
          - Unhealthy attachment to my parents
          - Deeply in the closet in real life
          - No identity of my own
          - No Goals in life (actually, I have no idea what will happen tomorrow or in 5 years, if I am even alive by then…or tomorrow)
          - Constant day dreaming, no (wanted) experiences 
          - Horrible childhood
          - Scars from my past 
          - Unhealthy attachment to my plushies, because I need comfort
          - Etc. (got lazy lol)
          
          So the background is telling you, the viewer to leave ASAP, as I stare at you sadly with my big, brown, button eyes, because I (surprisingly) have a lot of love inside me.
          Also this piece looks a little vintage, as I saw a picture of my grandmother from my father side, where she was a little younger, same red background and yellow tint - that really left an impression on me.
          
          ♦️♦️♦️

hamato_mikey

I absolutely forgot to mention, the red band around my empire waist is actually a tradition within my people, not sure if Turkish or Kurdish, since I have both roots.
            
            But brides traditionally wear the red band on their wedding dresses to signalise virginity and purity.
            
            I also increased the length of my already long hair to give myself a ghostly appearance, I have recently watched Corpse bride, so possible influences there.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          
          New art piece!
          “Be the adult”
          https://pin.it/5JalsCa2I
          
          This piece took me in total 6 hours, as it was created on a larger canvas, I was actually supposed to finish it yesterday.
          
          I stand in a water filled room, as I look around.
          
          3 doors, 3 choices.
          On the left, the window shows space.
          Symbolises the endless possibilities in adulthood.
          
          Moving out, friendships, relationships…etc
          Everything is shining brightly.
          On the right, there are Pastell clouds and a pink sky, representing infinite regression.
          
          As pastels are more commonly associated with children.
          There is actually a mosque hidden with the clouds, I feel a lot of shame for my sapphic thoughts, regressing means to also hide that aspect of me, which pleases my Muslim parents.
          
          And in the middle there is a door to a strange field with 4 houses.
          This place is not real, this symbolises my excessive day dreaming.
          
          Always escaping to worlds created by my mind to avoid the one I actually live in.
          Because then I would have to choose between the right or left door.
          
          Sure, the right door may seem like an easy option, however space is cold, dark and lonely.
          Until you stumble upon a galaxy, you would have to travel many light years, often millions to billions.
          
          Even then, the galaxy may not be suited for you.
          The clouds seem much safer, they are warmer, they are familiar, you are still on earth.
          
          But even they grow stale.
          So I must choose.
          Be the adult.
          
          ♦️♦️♦️

hamato_mikey

Reading Dan and Phil fanfiction is really witty to me, because at every interaction, I think to myself:
            “Grown men btw”
• Reply

hamato_mikey

Unfortunately I am losing my mind over the Dan and Phil hard launch.
            I was never even an active fan of them (because I did not speak English well enough).
            
            But I AM a fangirl in other fandoms, so I still have that DNA in me, so I have been doing just as well as the hardcore fans since their official confirmation.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          
          New art piece!
          “Freezing up”
          https://pin.it/74aR1iOad
          
          Not sure, if I have mentioned it here before, but I have a childhood association with planes.
          Growing up feeling alone, often spending time in my room, I felt bored a lot.
          
          Whenever I heard a plane passing over me, I felt like this, which happened plenty, so I begun to associate dullness with this particular sound, to this day, when I hear it, I instantly get bored.
          
          I also have a childlike association with winter and snow.
          Loneliness.
          
          How the snow sparkles, how the cold wind makes me shake, though I like such temperatures.
          How there is no real sound, I can hear snow fall, but it is so soft, that winter seems quiet.
          
          I imagine winter to sound like this:
          https://youtu.be/pX1k7nebMx4?si=_7slyaSt5IAVDPHk
          “The ambiance of Super Mario odyssey: Snow kingdom”
          
          It sparkles, like the snow does.
          I stare at such scenery in the winter months and I feel lonely in a strangely peaceful sense.
          
          Though I am also freezing up.
          I feel, how my warm blood moves through my veins, I imagine it is a person, hugging me.
          
          Never mind the ominous spills on the ground, look at the sparkles.
          My loneliness does not hurt as much in the winter, I am too distracted by the glittery snow, the freezing cold.
          
          ♦️♦️♦️

hamato_mikey

It is a shame, the picture does the sparkles no justice, as I specifically used glittery watercolours as my third layer.
            
            Oh well, I think the piece still maintains enough personality, even if a little compressed.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          
          New short story!
          
          ♦️♦️♦️
          
          
          https://www.wattpad.com/1580759717?utm_source=ios&utm_medium=postToProfile&utm_content=share_writing&wp_page=create_writer&wp_uname=hamato_mikey

hamato_mikey

Posting only my breakdowns and rarely the good news here makes me seem way more unstable than I actually am.
            
            This comes from a fear of mine, we have a belief, where if you flaunt too much, Nazar will take that away from you.
            
            Which is why I avoid talking positive, but I do wish to clarify:
            My life is nearly not this terrible anymore, good things happen too.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

I am doing terrible.
            
            I mentioned, how I was looking for shared flats, it is really doing a number on my mental health.
            
            I am a failure, I cannot keep up with this bs.
            Oh how foolish I was to believe that they would want me, if people do not want me as a friend, they sure as hell do not want me as anything else.
            
            I am not wanted, never was, I never got integrated anywhere, right now I am talking to a wall also, no, I must stay in my own lane.
            
            Always did so.
            Guess I will continue, because I cannot take this anymore, all this patience is running thin.
            
            But my home life can be so awful at times, so much arguing, so much craziness, so much bs.
            There is nothing I can do, no one else would house me.
            
            And my family only does so, because we are related, but I can really feel their disinterest towards me and it stings.
            
            Wow I really have not had a breakdown here for a while now.
            Oh well.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          
          New art piece!
          “Make me beautiful”
          https://pin.it/5jFvUiEZn
          
          I struggled a lot with the face, so for the base of this work, I traced a picture of myself, everything else is hand drawn, in the picture, I had something else on.
          
          I forgot to talk about this art piece, when I had finished it, which is almost a week ago, but today I had a dream, which reminded me again.
          
          Apologies for my memory suffering, I am currently under a lot of stress, as I am looking forward to move out, which will be a LONG process.
          
          And while I was writing others, applying myself for shared rooms, I also noticed something which correlates with this piece.
          
          I seem to only advertise myself outwardly.
          By being extra beautiful, by saying I cook and clean.
          I never really try to get anyone to like ME.
          
          Beauty fades, with age, you may become too weak to cook or clean.
          Then I have no worth left.
          
          Make me beautiful, because why would anyone be interested in ME?
          I try to be useful, at least, some kind of eye candy as well.
          
          Just being quiet and looking pretty.
          Just being quiet and doing my job, which is cooking and cleaning.
          My self worth is extremely low, I notice.
          
          ♦️♦️♦️

hamato_mikey

*to expect, not do expect
• Reply

hamato_mikey

Forgot to describe my dream:
            
            I was tested for something and the results came back,
            They said:
            
            “Extremely beautiful person syndrome.
            Body puts all its resources in appearance.”
            Yes, science fiction, what else do expect?
            
            But it really got me, this is not just an ego talking, this was my low self worth sending me a message.
            
            Because in that dream I thought to myself:
            “At least I am nice to look at.”
• Reply

hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          
          New art piece!
          https://pin.it/1kwFZApUw
          “Your side will always be empty”
          
          I seem to process this world differently.
          Well, that is what everyone thinks, because we all wish to be unique and end up being the same.
          
          I meant the way I seem to perceive colours, everything is bright, garish even, low contrast, like a dream.
          This piece is just very reminiscent of such.
          
          I always buy things for a wife, I will never have.
          Have so many lip sticks, I wish to show off to her, I do not care for make up, so these things are just collecting dust in my backpack.
          
          Same as certain clothing pieces I have bought, because I cannot wear them in public.
          Neither can I wear them in private, because what is the use in them?
          
          Not really comfortable, just makes me look pretty, kind of a waste.
          Have a whole Picknick blanket, why?
          Because I thought I would find love, so I wanted to stay prepared.
          
          But everything is collecting dust.
          I actually wish to buy a double bed, my official reason is for comfort, but my secret, true reason is, that I wish to stay prepared for my dream wife.
          
          But her side will always be empty.
          Because such a sweet woman surely does exist.
          Not for me, I hope she makes a woman out there really happy, fills her with joy, loves her.
          
          “Love” is way more of an active verb in Turkish.
          To love a cat does not just mean emotionally, it also means petting.
          To love a baby also means to play with it.
          
          To love your wife…can mean anything positive.
          Most commonly used in adult context.
          I wish I could love my dream wife, but she is not for me to cherish and to be cherished by.
          
          I guess that is fine.
          All is well.
          I wish her the best.
          
          Even if my heart aches.
          
          ♦️♦️♦️

hamato_mikey

♣️♣️♣️
          
          You know…there is a reason, I keep on posting, despite no one ever reading my words.
          In hopes of someone finding this someday.
          
          Leaving behind some sort of legacy.
          I just noticed the absurdity of such thought.
          How exactly does this benefit me?
          
          Only serves to satisfy my ego.
          When I am dead, I am gone.
          Nothing left, I do not wish to be remembered.
          
          Because what purpose does it serve me?
          I will not even know it.
          If someone thinks of me, after I have passed.
          
          There is nothing you take to the grave.
          Only yourself.
          Not even clothes, traditionally, in Muslim fashion, you are wrapped in bandages and are lowered in a grave, without a coffin.
          
          There is nothing awaiting me, I will simply perish.
          I find that to be funny.
          I leave no impact on the world, yet my ego thought so.
          
          Many people think that, but they are not special either, only the very few.
          I mean nothing to this world and I am at peace with that.
          
          What hurts my human heart and soul is to know, I also mean nothing to humanity.
          What can I do?
          
          Force them?
          No, I am but a number.
          I will continue posting.
          
          I guess I will continue listening to my ego.
          
          ♣️♣️♣️