hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          	
          	New song!
          	+ New songs and poems collection!
          	
          	♦️♦️♦️
          	
          	https://www.wattpad.com/1605867818?utm_source=ios&utm_medium=postToProfile&utm_content=share_writing&wp_page=create_writer&wp_uname=hamato_mikey

hamato_mikey

Yesterday I had a little breakdown, which inspired this work.
          	  Had a little panic attack while listening to “Mawaru” by Kikuo.
          	  
          	  Not induced by that song, no, I just had flashbacks and all that, perhaps I should avoid reading fanfictions that feature SA, but oh well.
          	  
          	  That song just happened to be playing and it most likely intensified everything.
          	  Everything was so blurry, I could not see properly, I felt so dizzy, my limbs felt like mush, like I was walking on clouds.
          	  
          	  I was hyperventilating.
          	  While throwing away our litter, perhaps not my wisest decision to power through, but I cannot allow myself to grow weak and allow every emotion, I am not a crybaby in therapy.
          	  
          	  Though those who seek help are much stronger than the coward I am, they confront their demons, I ignore mine.
          	  
          	  I kept on falling on the ground.
          	  Some of the falls, I allowed, some, I could not control, my breathing pipe felt like it was full of cotton.
          	  
          	  I did all of that alone.
          	  Like I always do.
          	  Would be strange if I suddenly got aid, I never did before.
          	  
          	  I just ignored it, until it went away.
          	  And this piece was born.
          	  I thought I was done writing songs and poems, however I could not turn this into a short story.
          	  
          	  It was too fragmented for that.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

Not to be confused with a past song and poem collection under the same name.
          	  I thought it would be waste to just let such a title go.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          
          New song!
          + New songs and poems collection!
          
          ♦️♦️♦️
          
          https://www.wattpad.com/1605867818?utm_source=ios&utm_medium=postToProfile&utm_content=share_writing&wp_page=create_writer&wp_uname=hamato_mikey

hamato_mikey

Yesterday I had a little breakdown, which inspired this work.
            Had a little panic attack while listening to “Mawaru” by Kikuo.
            
            Not induced by that song, no, I just had flashbacks and all that, perhaps I should avoid reading fanfictions that feature SA, but oh well.
            
            That song just happened to be playing and it most likely intensified everything.
            Everything was so blurry, I could not see properly, I felt so dizzy, my limbs felt like mush, like I was walking on clouds.
            
            I was hyperventilating.
            While throwing away our litter, perhaps not my wisest decision to power through, but I cannot allow myself to grow weak and allow every emotion, I am not a crybaby in therapy.
            
            Though those who seek help are much stronger than the coward I am, they confront their demons, I ignore mine.
            
            I kept on falling on the ground.
            Some of the falls, I allowed, some, I could not control, my breathing pipe felt like it was full of cotton.
            
            I did all of that alone.
            Like I always do.
            Would be strange if I suddenly got aid, I never did before.
            
            I just ignored it, until it went away.
            And this piece was born.
            I thought I was done writing songs and poems, however I could not turn this into a short story.
            
            It was too fragmented for that.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

Not to be confused with a past song and poem collection under the same name.
            I thought it would be waste to just let such a title go.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          
          New art piece!
          “Kibr”
          https://pin.it/2bBhXshJ9
          
          Kibr is a sin in Islam.
          Pride.
          Excessively admiring yourself, viewing yourself as above others; others as beneath you.
          
          I have been displaying such feelings lately.
          In so much pain and suffering, yet I refuse outside help, because I do not think anyone is good enough for that, because I see my self reflection as superior.
          
          Because I know myself best and no one could ever compare to my intellect.
          Tövbe, çarpılcam. 
          
          Kibr.
          The piece is (yet another) self portrait, have I ever said, why I even draw myself excessively?
          
          Whenever I take a reference picture, I see myself as far too beautiful to alter my own features, yet another piece of my pride, every day I wake up and the first thing I do in the bathroom is stare at the mirror and admire my beauty.
          
          Which the mirror on my left reflects, in a moon shape, its string piercing through a heart, I know how unlikable this makes me, yet I love myself far too much.
          
          In my hair is a Narcissus, a reference to the story of the character with the exact same name.
          I cannot kiss my reflection, I cannot cuddle myself, I cannot tell myself my most hilarious stories.
          
          Yet I do not trust anyone else, hearts above my head, upside don, green.
          Symbolising Envy.
          
          My pride is hindering receiving true love from others, because truth to be told, I look down on them.
          I love everyone, I truly do, I see the best in everyone.
          
          And they love eachother which is so beautiful, but if they choose me, I belittle them in my thoughts, because they are foolish, I only have eyes for myself, I am an utter red flag.
          
          My lifeless eyes stare with hearts, my own hands forming one, I am so obsessed with it, because my soul has been tainted by this sin.
          
          How fascinating to see the evolution of my loneliness and its effects on me.
          This is a twisted form of self love, often mixing with self hatred.
          
          ♦️♦️♦️

hamato_mikey

*down
            I apologise if my english sounds off, it has been a while since I have written something along these lines.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          
          New art piece!
          “Prey”
          https://pin.it/kpVbvwCFD
          
          This piece is inspired by “decayingpeach” on Youtube, also known as “Delilah”, where she presents a doe inspired make up look with this concept.
          
          “https://youtu.be/PJTVIGTGeXU?si=WFc7Czkc2NWxZfnP”
          
          The gun is aiming at the eye, and in that crosshair, you can see a terrified human gazing back you.
          
          In this fantastical world, only with threats of violence and a gun pointed at you, does one see your true nature, your true self.
          
          Some people come to this life prey, some at the top of the food chain, having clawed their ways up, it does make me wonder, how many prey got sacrificed along the way, eaten, devoured, destroyed.
          
          And the doe in my piece is crying, shaking, self soothing by stimming with her hair, though the end is inevitable, only yet another meal to be feasted.
          
          Just like any other prey, nothing but food.
          
          ♦️♦️♦️

hamato_mikey

I lowkey (highkey) get the ick from everyone which makes me functionally asexual and aromantic.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

No one hates me as much as I do.
            
            I write pages and pages and pages filled with hatred against myself, tell myself the worst things every single day - no one has ever hated me to the extend I do.
            
            I deserve even worse.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

I have been flopping since 2022. 
            Me (=´∀｀)人(´∀｀=) The flop
• Reply

hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          
          New art piece!
          “Far away home”
          https://pin.it/6TYDQaSN0
          
          Dreamcore is often based on western nostalgia for the 90s to early 2000s up to early 2010s.
          Especially with its architecture.
          
          Though my nostalgia is more Middle Eastern, due to my roots.
          Which spins this aesthetic in a particularly interesting way.
          
          Because I feel specifically nostalgic for these indoor playgrounds in Türkiye, often with bootleg characters.
          
          It has such a fascinating, dreamlike quality to itself, whatever feelings the back rooms may induce to those, familiar to such ambiances, I feel for such places, which are so particularly Middle Eastern.
          
          Nearly abandoned buildings, so so empty, unfinished, there used to be people.
          Now either the business failed or they got into copyright trouble.
          
          It contributes greatly to this overall feeling of unrealness, that I have felt my entire life.
          I have often described it, how everything feels like one long dream, I might wake up any moment, I still think so to this day.
          
          I look into the mirror and see a stranger, this stranger does not exist, this universe does not exist, nothing truly exists, because it is all a construct of imagination.
          
          Türkiye is a far away home for me, due to my roots, even if I was not born there, it is still a comforting feeling being around your own ethnicity ever so often.
          
          ♦️♦️♦️

hamato_mikey

The day I will be able to cut my hair, will be the day I have finally healed.
            
            I have always been the type of person, to forgive, but never forget and I do not really forgive, I just tell others and myself so, to keep my peace, even if it haunts me for years and years on end.
            
            I have not cut my hair since I was around 7 years old, so 2011, due to a betrayal, I have become wildly protective of my hair since then, to this day I shake around scissors, I still have nightmares.
            
            I still miss my friend, she died in 2021, first person I ever lost, before that…I did not even know that people can die.
            
            Obviously I knew of death, just never expected it to…happen to someone I hold dear, she was only 19 years old.
            
            People have always told me to move on from things, this is a general issue of mine, I hold on too tight, but I cannot let go, no, no, or else I will have nothing.
            
            No matter how good someone is to me, how much I may like them, I will never accept them, because they are not her.
            
            The only person I want, is my childhood friend, I want her back, I do not care about anyone else, I miss her, I only have eyes for her, for I am actively mourning to this day.
            
            My hair stays long, my heart stays closed, I will never be ready for change, actually I am becoming worse by the years that pass without her.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

One day, I will climb up the stars.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

Oh and I saw this place in a dream a few days ago, woke up, sketched it and went back to sleep.
            
            This art is exactly, what I saw.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          
          New art piece!
          “Walls (Desire to love)”
          https://pin.it/1d4ZCeqQ8
          
          I was actually not specifically going for a Medusa reference here, though I suppose her story does fit here.
          
          Snakes are on my head, instead of hair, three of them are biting, the rest of them are sticking their tongues out.
          
          I do wish to love, I certainly do.
          However, I cannot, my walls are not to become destroyed, they are far too powerful for that. 
          
          The snakes have crazed eyes, they have no idea, what they are doing, because their actions, their beliefs are nonsensical.
          My own eyes are different.
          
          One of a snake, one with a heart.
          Two sides.
          No matter how much I may desire love, I will always push away others, because my walls are too high, too thick, I am far too loyal to them.
          
          Because I hate myself.
          My eyes are actually glossy in the painting, I hate this, I hate being this and I do nothing to stop myself. 
          
          The background is a spiral, almost hypnotising.
          Though the Medusa reference was not really my intention, it does work in the piece, as her gaze turns people to stone.
          
          ♦️♦️♦️

hamato_mikey

For I longed (yet it never mattered)
            
            Honesty is an important virtue in my life and though I vowed it, I did not abide by it in one aspect of my life.
            
            My pain.
            
            I went through terrible things, my heart continues to ache, my fingers continue to shake, my gaze continues to be distrustful.
            
            But, I handle it extremely well, effortlessly perfect, I am not that mentally unstable, traumatised, sure, but I am mentally adjusted, extremely so even, impressively so, despite my circumstances.
            
            Yes, I do dislike myself, though it was never hate, I do not hate, it is just an easy word to describe big emotions, but because it is so simple, it is inaccurate.
            
            I do not even like SH, I do not like the pain, I just did it, because I felt, it suited most my broken heart, not because I genuinely longed for it.
            
            I handle my ache so well, it frustrated me for such a long time, because I wanted it to be visible, however it is not, because my mind is not shattered, my coping strategies are too good.
            
            Because of this insight, I found on my own, I always deal with my own thoughts, my own emotions, my pain alone, I started to let go.
            
            Suddenly, no misery clouds my mind.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

I hated myself so much, I now love myself.
            It just wrapped around itself, horseshoe theory.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          
          I have found my way back to Islam again.
          I am a Muslim again.
          After 4 years of being agnostic, I was actually even an atheist for 3 years, I believe.
          
          I deeply regret my religion critical works, that was a stupid choice by me and nothing will ever remove that sin from me, it is now part of my history, just like my many rants from back then.
          
          For that, I will never forgive myself.
          Actually, I hesitate even to call myself a Muslim, I feel like I do not deserve this label.
          
          Especially because of my sapphic desires and I feel so terrible for everything, I have done in life, so much sloth in my life and I will continue, because I am stupid.
          
          I cannot look up, I cannot look at Allah, though he is everywhere, technically.
          I feel like I do not deserve his gaze.
          
          Even if He forgives me, I do not forgive myself, even if I somehow do not get sentenced to Jahannam, I will go there myself, I will go to al hawiyah, for I do not deserve mercy.
          
          As agony and guilt reside deep within my soul.
          
          ♦️♦️♦️

hamato_mikey

On my off days, I either stare at my phone for 16h and sleep for 8h or I sleep for 16h and stare at my phone for 8h.
            
            My life is so boring, I have no goals, every day I wait for tomorrow, but tomorrow is the same, because I have nothing planned.
            
            My life could have been an email.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

My heart aches out of desire. 
            
            CW//internalised homophobia, religious shame, dead dove, do not eat 
            
            Oh how I wish, this homosexuality was not a test, how I wish it could have been just as valid as heterosexuality, but all is under God’s intent. 
            
            How is it sinful? 
            
            I know, hypergamy is bad, but my dreams do not involve hopping from person to person, my wishes are deeply monogamous. 
            
            I just dream of marrying my dream wife, taking care of the household, as she cherishes me and I make and keep her happy. 
            
            How is it any different from heterosexuality, it is just as wholesome, I struggle with thoughts, a man should have. :( 
            
            But I must stay strong, questioning the sin itself is part of the challenge and I every day, I pray for these feelings to disappear, but they never will, they are a test of God. 
            
            I will go to hell either way, but at least I will go, knowing I stayed true to my vow of lifelong chastity, that my gaze was never on other women, that no woman will have ever seen me in ways, that deeply goes against everything I was taught. 
            
            This is just a test, a mere test, a simple test.
• Reply

hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          
          New art piece!
          “Control yourself”
          https://pin.it/1BypWEXt0
          
          The higher I rise, the steeper I fall.
          The better my good phase feels, the worse my bad phase becomes.
          
          I have gotten 16 teddies, 4 of them drawn here.
          That is way too much for one single person.
          I have gotten 20 multiple use blades.
          
          I have bought so many, long books.
          How will I keep up with all of them at the same time, when all I do in my free time is excessively watch YouTube?
          
          On days, where I do not work, my screen time reaches up to 15 hours.
          On workdays, it falls down to 7 - 9 hours, which is still so, so much, because I work FULL TIME.
          
          Question marks fill my world, is this how I wish to live?
          Doing anything, to waste my time?
          To waste my youth?
          
          Every day, I wait for tomorrow.
          For what?
          I have nothing planned for tomorrow, I do not have any goals, I do not have any plans, I do not have an identity.
          
          No idea, what will happen in 5 years, let alone in 5 days.
          I must control myself, but those four still haunt me, which is hilarious, because by now, they have probably forgotten me.
          
          They ruined my life, I barely existed in theirs.
          And my habits call upon me, I have been clean for a week now, not because I genuinely wish to get better.
          
          But because I do not like in being in any more pain, it hurts and now I have my teddies.
          My room fills up more and more and more and more, my heart stays empty.
          
          And the picture is held up by a noose.
          
          ♦️♦️♦️