hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          	
          	New art piece!
          	“Stages”
          	https://pin.it/3Goo1j9wH
          	
          	Stages of life.
          	My life is stagnant.
          	Feelings of melancholy, loneliness and boredom have accompanied me since forever.
          	
          	My memories reach all the way back to age 3 and I have not known myself without those emotions being ever present.
          	
          	At the very bottom, there is a pond filled with hearts.
          	Symbolising my need for love, being very open to receive it, desperate even.
          	
          	My birth.
          	
          	Then, you see a house.
          	A person is staring out of the window.
          	How I spent a lot of my childhood.
          	
          	When you go further up there is a rainbow.
          	Symbolising my day dreaming.
          	I do it so often, I forget reality sometimes.
          	
          	Nothing feels real.
          	At the very top there is a gate.
          	Referencing my art piece “Übergang”.
          	
          	The afterlife.
          	But, before you reach that gate, at the right, you can see a faint heart.
          	
          	I have lost a lot of faith in love.
          	However, I can never lose hope.
          	That is unlike my character.
          	
          	I am an eternal optimist.
          	
          	♦️♦️♦️
          	
          	

hamato_mikey

It seems as if I have become mentally stable over the years, I still have tons of issues.
          	  
          	  I just no longer depict them in my art.
          	  If I do, I will get judged.
          	  So it seems, as if I have become happier.
          	  
          	  I have, to a tiny extent.
          	  Not fully though.
Reply

hamato_mikey

Note: My own interpretation is not the indefinite meaning of this piece.
          	  It never is, I only offer my own view.
Reply

hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          
          New art piece!
          “Stages”
          https://pin.it/3Goo1j9wH
          
          Stages of life.
          My life is stagnant.
          Feelings of melancholy, loneliness and boredom have accompanied me since forever.
          
          My memories reach all the way back to age 3 and I have not known myself without those emotions being ever present.
          
          At the very bottom, there is a pond filled with hearts.
          Symbolising my need for love, being very open to receive it, desperate even.
          
          My birth.
          
          Then, you see a house.
          A person is staring out of the window.
          How I spent a lot of my childhood.
          
          When you go further up there is a rainbow.
          Symbolising my day dreaming.
          I do it so often, I forget reality sometimes.
          
          Nothing feels real.
          At the very top there is a gate.
          Referencing my art piece “Übergang”.
          
          The afterlife.
          But, before you reach that gate, at the right, you can see a faint heart.
          
          I have lost a lot of faith in love.
          However, I can never lose hope.
          That is unlike my character.
          
          I am an eternal optimist.
          
          ♦️♦️♦️
          
          

hamato_mikey

It seems as if I have become mentally stable over the years, I still have tons of issues.
            
            I just no longer depict them in my art.
            If I do, I will get judged.
            So it seems, as if I have become happier.
            
            I have, to a tiny extent.
            Not fully though.
Reply

hamato_mikey

Note: My own interpretation is not the indefinite meaning of this piece.
            It never is, I only offer my own view.
Reply

hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          
          New art piece!
          “Avoidant”
          https://pin.it/21O9DTnnb
          
          Few of my art pieces on Pinterest have been taken down due to adult content, which is fair, my art is ONLY for adults.
          
          But apparently you cannot restrict your content and stay public at the same time, which is annoying.
          
          Anyways, today’a art piece has actually malfunctioned in the creation process.
          If you can call it that.
          
          The paper ripped.
          Twice, so I had to redraw it.
          As you can see, I am in my room.
          
          Originally, I was going to draw my legs laying in my bed, but it looked stupid, so I implied my presence.
          
          I am supposedly looking out the window, at least that is the focal point of my art piece.
          And there is a neighbourhood.
          
          All windows, no doors.
          Between my home and theirs is a river, separating me from the outside world.
          
          Avoidant.
          Part of me desperately wishes for a connection, but I am a fearful person.
          
          I am avoidant.
          Rather coddle myself in my room, like I have done so my entire life, than to meet the world and experience life differently.
          
          That is why my Nintendo DSi so there.
          As an adult, I stare at my phone all day.
          As a child, I used to stare at my Nintendo DSi all day.
          
          Nothing changed for the better.
          I only slipped down further this isolated path.
          I have no memory of me not feeling lonely.
          
          And my memories date all the way back to age 3.
          Easy to remember this much, when you live a very passive life.
          
          The window is closed, as you can see by its handle.
          I could easily open it, but I choose not to.
          
          I cause this problem.
          
          ♦️♦️♦️
          
          

hamato_mikey

By the way, nothing changed for the better in my social life.
            I have none to begin with.
            
            But everything else improved and I am so thankful for the universe for allowing me all this, sorry I have not made this that clear.
Reply

hamato_mikey

*is there
            Not again with the typos.
Reply

hamato_mikey

hamato_mikey

I had a dream, where my Nintendo DSi finally turned back on and worked properly again.
            
            I had missed it so much, I started crying in my dream.
            A feeling of melancholy lays on my heart now.
            
            I wish it would work again.
Reply

hamato_mikey

The advice is always to improve yourself, before you allow a relationship to happen.
            I work and work and work and more issues come up.
            
            I have realised, that there is a ginormous emotional barrier between everyone and me.
            
            Nothing I was unaware of before, but the absolute control it has over my life is quite shocking.
            
            I am aware, that my pain is not so average, it still hurts, I get flashbacks, nightmares, I cannot explore love.
            
            If I do, I risk several meltdowns.
            I have done so much wrong in the past, I wish to never go down such path again.
            
            Of hurting people with my own pain.
            Truly, no one is missing out on me, honestly I am doing everyone a favour by not engaging with this world of love.
            
            As you can see, no matter how much I wish to call people, I will hang up, once someone responds.
            
            Too much of a coward.
Reply

hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          
          New art piece!
          “The world never stopped being beautiful”
          https://pin.it/6fKdlMhpf
          
          Apologies, for such irregular uploads.
          Anyways, I believe this is my first time drawing a more accurate rainbow than usual.
          
          Usually, my rainbows are more…structured?
          They look way more artificial.
          But I watched rainbows and they are very soft.
          
          So I emulated that.
          Many people say, that the world nowadays looks very dull.
          That it has lost its colour.
          
          That kids see everything more vibrant.
          Well for me, everything still is that colourful and beautiful, the world never became ugly.
          
          One time it looks dull is when it is cloudy.
          I hate that weather, it washes out earth’s beautiful colours.
          
          The house is on the verge of falling.
          Of the unnaturally steep hill.
          And you can see on the zoomed in part, that a hand is peeking out behind the curtains.
          
          I appreciate earth’s atmosphere.
          But due to my isolated lifestyle, I rather see it often through my window, I do not go out in my free time, I see no reason to.
          
          In the sunrise, on the bottom, you can see a plane.
          As a child, I was absolutely the same.
          I rarely went out.

hamato_mikey

I often just sat in my room and stared at my walls.
            Then I heard a plane passing by.
            I heard this noise so often, I started associating it with my childhood boredom.
            
            Nowadays, my lifestyle outside of work stayed the exact same, I even became lonelier.
            So the plane noise association has been intensified.
            
            Next to the house, there are 4 shapes.
            The shapes themselves are a reference to the grass discs I used to draw a lot during my subuniverse art phase.
            
            The amount is a reference to my relationship with the number 4.
            I do not wish to elaborate on that.
            
            Lately, I have seen many sunrises with pink clouds.
            So incredibly beautiful.
            One of them is a heart.
            
            You would think, that it is a reference to romantic love.
            In my lifestyle, in this isolation, such concept cannot even be entertained as a thought or wish.
            
            No, perhaps the love I need and the only love I will ever receive will be self love.
            Oh well, so be it.
            
            ♦️♦️♦️
Reply

hamato_mikey

hamato_mikey

Had a dream about buying original Joy Cons for only 5€.
            It was too good to be true.
Reply

hamato_mikey

It has been a while, has it not?
            I wanted to add:
            I love humanity.
            
            This song is strictly about romantic love and nothing else.
            And quite frankly, I have no such feelings towards anyone.
            
            Perhaps I am the only person on earth, who experiences romantic interest without the…romantic interest.
            
            It makes sense, if you think about it longer.
            Perhaps I will further explain this, perhaps not.
            
            Who knows?
            Certainly, I do not.
Reply

hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          
          New art piece!
          “Sinsi”
          https://pin.it/37qRmEP3c
          
          Lately I have been rewatching “Aşk ve Mavi” and I really love Pembe.
          Very interesting character.
          
          And there is no better word to describe her than “Sinsi”.
          Reminds me of my old days, back before my childhood friend died.
          
          Funny, is it not?
          Someone dear to me had to die, for me to finally change and let go of all my past hatred.
          
          But what did she do to deserve to lose her life over this?
          She had so much life to live.
          I have reached age 20.
          
          She did not get to do that.
          She was 19 years old.
          Only this managed to change me.
          
          Anyways, this has little to do with my art piece.
          I have changed since then.
          The death of our bunny a few months after was the final nail of the coffin.
          
          Haha perhaps such metaphor is ironic in this case.
          Before all that, I used to be like Pembe.
          Always scheming, so jealous, always ready for revenge.
          
          The person in the portrait was supposed to be the actress, that played Pembe.
          But it looks nothing like her, looks more like me.
          
          I still liked staring at a different reference for once, I was really sick and tired of all the self portraits.
          Not like anyone forced me, no idea why I am complaining.
          
          The person is hiding her mouth, but as one can see, a snake’s tongue is peeking out.
          She also has snake eyes.
          
          The ear is a little more subtle.
          But I drew it slanted, to give her more of an intimidating appearance.
          
          Really face of an angel but heart of the devil.
          Pembe is very complex though, she is not pure evil.
          The background colours resemble a stopping light.
          
          Warning the viewer.
          
          ♦️♦️♦️
          
          

hamato_mikey

When I was a little younger, I considered joining satanism.
            Not because I wanted to be gay and do crime or because I wanted to rebel.
            
            But because I wanted to summon a demon, who would cuddle me in my sleep.
            Unfortunately demons do not exist, so I cannot make such exchange for my soul.
            
            Otherwise I would have full heartedly agreed.
            I mean, it IS a good deal, is it not?
            A whole soul for some cuddling.
Reply

hamato_mikey

One mildly embarrassing fact about me is that I am a fan of the Batjokes ship.
            Genuinely, I enjoy it.
            
            But how could I ever talk about it, because I ship THE joker and THE Batman.
            The Telltale series has caused this.
Reply

hamato_mikey

I recall being 14 years old and claiming, that money is more important than anything.
            
            That I put it above all.
            That I do not need love.
            That I choose money over love.
            
            I drew it several times, how I did not care for love and was very disinterested in it.
            That was before I realised, that I am neither aromantic nor asexual.
            
            Before I realised my attraction to women.
            Because I thought that my disinterest in men meant, that I have no interest in love at all.
            
            A lie.
            You know…for someone complaining this much about being lonely and unloved, I am quite the hypocrite.
            
            I believe the universe listens.
            If you choose a certain path that aligns with what the universe has planned for you, you will not be hindered.
            
            Quite a lot of responsibility on my 14 year old past self’s shoulder.
            But she chose this.
            
            She chose money over love.
            And love could mean anything.
            I guess I have no reason to complain anymore then.
            
            I chose loneliness.
            I chose isolation.
            I chose money.
            
            On three separate occasions I chose each.
            Over love.
            Over company.
            Over someone to share it with.
            
            Guess I lost all rights to complain then.
            I brought this upon myself.
            If I need to, I will continue to process this in my art.
            
            After all, it is how I deal with my emotions.
            But I will attempt to…cut down on the confusion in my art.
            I have no rights to ask why, I know the answer.
Reply

hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          
          New art piece!
          “Übergang”
          https://pin.it/4XzLBh30Q
          
          I have written several sentences on it, from top to bottom it reads:
          “Bana lütfen son şans ver!”
          “Ölmek istemiyorum”
          “Niye sevinemiyorum?
          “Korkuyorum”
          “Gitmelimiyim?” 
          “Daha vedalaşmadım!”
          “Burası neresi?”
          “Yani gidersem, o zaman…”
          
          With each sentence, I have written on it, the letters overlap each other more and more, symbolising my ever growing…unsteadiness.
          
          This dream has really scarred me, I can still remember it, as if it just happened.
          I remember it, as if it actually happened.
          
          It was only a dream.
          But it was crystal clear to me.
          It has a greater meaning, that I am missing, I believe.
          
          I wonder, what would have happened, had I actually gone through the instructions…
          If I actually crossed that gate.
          
          In my short story, with the same title, I have written a what if scenario, where I do exactly that.
          Still, I wonder what dying feels like.
          
          ♦️♦️♦️
          
          

hamato_mikey

hamato_mikey

As I was writing this, I had in mind to make it sound like a diary entry.
            To make it more personal.
            
            This realisation actually did occur, I felt depressed over the reality of my loneliness.
            But alas, there is nothing I can do.
            
            Sooner or later, I will learn to accept it.
            My hope lives on despite everything.
            So petty.
Reply

hamato_mikey

hamato_mikey

This is also partially a reference to “Creation of happiness”.
Reply

hamato_mikey

As depressing as this story is, it is important to me.
            This year, this month was supposed to be my last.
            
            I had planned it out years ago.
            I do not have a lover, who would grieve after me.
            
            I have written about my family in “Übergang”.
            This time, I have written about a potential lover, whom I would never meet with such decision.
            
            I wrote it from the perspective of the person left behind.
            I do not wish to hurt someone.
            
            Especially not this badly.
            With my selfishness.
            I will not follow through with my plans.
Reply

hamato_mikey

♦️♦️♦️
          
          New art piece!
          https://pin.it/2XtT08dKq
          “Snow walls”
          
          Ah, I really had missed painting.
          This art piece has several details to it, that I adore.
          
          Of course, the snow walls and the grass path first.
          As it is noticeable, the Green from the grass reflects onto the snow walls.
          
          It is symbolic.
          Of how many walls I have mentally.
          Often I am presumed to be cold because of it.
          
          But inside, I am quite warm, actually.
          Though, I am shy to admit.
          I do enjoy it quite a lot, to…be less dominant.
          
          When I am with a cool woman.
          I adore it, when she is older than me and I can feel it, but not too old, to the point I cannot relate to her anymore.
          
          2 - 5 years older.
          I enjoy it, when she has these warm eyes, that stare at me with fondness.
          I like the smirk on her face as I make a fool of myself again.
          
          This is very embarrassing to admit.
          The four petal pink flowers represent my youth.
          And the four people, that had stolen it.
          
          Anyways, on the right side, one can see lots of tiny houses with huge red roofs.
          I actually saw such houses in a dream a few weeks ago and they have been on my mind ever since.
          
          Actually, in my dream, they were tents, that resembled houses.
          Perhaps I will paint this another time.
          
          For some reason, those tents in my dream reminded me of the Nordic countries.
          I believe, it was some sort of Ikea ad in my dream.
          
          The grass reflects onto the walls, because I am kind of warming up.
          They will never melt, but perhaps I can restore my hope and trust in humans once more.
          
          ♦️♦️♦️
          
          

hamato_mikey

The tiny flowers are on the grass path, because if I ever find love, I will be forced to confront this past again.
            
            I do not wish to think about it.
            Their words, their gazes, their touches.
            All of it, all of the SA.
            
            I wish to just move on and never think about it for another second again.
            Unless I put my pain into an art piece again.
            
            But, if I ever find love…
            IF.
            Then I must be truthful about my past.
            
            This will unfortunately forever be a part of me, it has changed me forever.
            No matter how much I try to heal.
            
            Hiding it from my future lover, IF I EVER GET ONE, will do nothing but harm.
            So once you get past my snow walls, you will have to see the unfortunate reality.
            
            Yes, there is a nice grass path, but those flowers hold a dark truth.
            One, I cannot hide forever, even if I wish to.
Reply