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maybe one day people will treat me right

i might be the most insufferable person ever but i cannot take more of other people’s intimacy and affection because it genuinely makes me uncomfortable in a way that i’m even disgusted of myself 

this is why i just don’t ever want to attach myself to my friends. when they leave it gets hard for me to cope with my feelings and i think about it so much 

i feel like despite their feelings for me back then— whenever they assured me and told me they loved me and valued our friendship, i’ve always felt the full platonic intent in their words, and to be clear he really meant it fully platonic and didn’t sugarcoat it over his romantic feelings. that was always something i think about fondly, something about it felt special 

that’s why it hurts deeply now knowing he’s cut me off without a word, maybe we were both codependent (even though i’ve always known that) 

god save me from this misery that i put myself in. i know it is inevitable, but god i wish it was easier for me everytime 

it’s to a point where i’ve distanced myself from my friends and especially to my best friend because the thought of it genuinely fucked me up at one point i felt that if i distanced myself enough, that would give them a reason to leave me even though i would’ve been an absolute wreck if they did. well, that was one of  the reasons as to why i fell miserable recently but losing friends in life has always been a huge deal to me and i’m still grieving over my ex bsf and one who is currently ghosting me right now. sometimes i just really feel like i am just never worth staying for and it really hurts

the feeling of impending doom in a friendship knowing that they could really just disappear at any moment,,, or i feel as if i really do not have an importance in their lives and that i am so easy to be forgotten. it really really sickens me to my stomach and the thought of it genuinely hurts me. i’ve gotten really depressed over this so many times recently because of the sense of impending doom in regards to my relationships with people and especially my friends. even when there’s absolutely no conflict or tension between us, it’s always and i mean Always lingering at the back of my head. 

experienced this for the first time with a guy who liked me and thought i didn’t know about his feelings. experienced this the second time with the same guy except we were both best friends but was rlly codependent on eachother that he started developing feelings for me again. safe to say i never want to experience it ever again 

i might be aromantic i’m dead serious

(i have really really bad abandonment issues)

i could never not care honestly. but why does it always feel like i can never move forward and everyone else can and has

its so endearing to me though,,, the look of terror or the obvious confusion makes me giggle

wish she wasnt such a two faced mofo though, we wouldve been good friends if only she'd change :/ i miss the times that were spent with her but i dont miss her 

had a friend who i was very close to this earlier year and she used to always say like “you act like my mom” “she’s like the mom in our friendgroup” “i like how you care like a mom” and its so endearing even tho i hate getting called a mom :( it just shows how they feel my love and care for them and its so!!!! ARHHRHFHFJJFNF