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uhh TW for suicide and a lot of bad stuff. Please ignore this, im just ranting.
Why do i have to be here? I just dont understand why i have to be here, be alive. Everybody would be better off without me in their hair. Every day is a chore. I'm losing motivation to do things like eat and sleep. It takes everything i have to speak most days. Im just a pussy and i cant do it. I cant do the one thing that me and everyone around me wants me to do. I just cant kill myself. Although thats fading away. Every day, the thought of dying just gains more appeal. Every day, i just consider it more. Ive tried, i dont know how many times. But it was never enough. Not enough pills, not a thibk enough rope, not long enough underwater. I thought, a few weeks ago, that i finally had it. I went to sleep half-expecting and hoping to not wake up. But i fucking did. I fucking woke up, didn't i? i can't feel anything any more. Not, happy, not sad, not angry, not scared. Just the knowledge that i'm slowly becoming a shell of a person. And my fucking mother cant even see it. She helicopters around me, noticing every little thing except this. Im pulling away from friends and family without trying to. I mean, i guess thatll make it easier for them when the inevitable comes. Anyways. I just needed to say this so it's not a surprise when i'm fhnally gone.