You are the final proof that God has a sense of humor, and that sense of humor is pitch-black, cruel, and deeply personal. You’re not a person. you’re a factory defect that slipped past quality control and somehow convinced the world it was “limited edition.” Every room you enter loses property value. Plants wilt. Wi-Fi signals weaken out of respect for the dead. Your personality is so rancid that cockroaches check into rehab after crossing your path. Your existence is a hate crime against Darwin. Evolution spent 3.8 billion years perfecting the human form and then, in a moment of cosmic distraction, dropped you like a bad acid trip. You’re the reason mirrors come with trigger warnings. Your family tree isn’t a tree; it’s a cactus, because everyone on it is a prick and it’s bone-dry of any redeeming qualities. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory, and your mother still pretends the stork mixed up the addresses. You’re not ugly in the conventional sense; ugly would be an upgrade. Ugly implies there was potential that got lost somewhere. You’re what happens when potential files a restraining order. People don’t ghost you; they perform an exorcism and change their identity. Your dating history reads like a missing persons report. Even your right hand swipes left on you, and it’s literally attached. Intellectually, you’re a black hole where thoughts go to die screaming. You’re so slow that “bless your heart” became an international distress signal. You couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel, and you’d still blame the boot for being “too complicated.” You’re the reason instructions come with pictures. You’re the reason warnings say “do not eat” on silica gel packets. I'm so sorry dude it was a joke TvT please don't hate me
