Harmony

I think I'm happy, but then I make decisions without considering myself, I'm impulsive. Now I'm numb. I don't even cry anymore. I don't enjoy myself anymore. I don't enjoy him anymore. The only thing I wanna do is sleep. Forever I wish was possible. Nothing seems to help and I have no ways to cope. I'm incapable of love and unable to feel. I'm trapped. Help.

Are relationships supposed to be so hard? So draining? Instead of being excited when he texts me I turn anxious. And I don't think anything is his fault. I feel numb. I can't love him back, and I can't put all of my energy into him. While he speaks of a future with us I'm wondering if I'm even gonna have a future. I am so bored with life I would try anything to feel some relief. I just wanna be alone and all he wants to do is talk. I don't know if I can do this. He loves me. Or at least he says he does. I don't want him to hurt. I'm leading him on and idk if I can take the guilt that comes with keeping him happy, at least for a little while. 

It's my birthday today :)

I literally just went through every pair of cloathes I own to find an outfit to wear and I looked Terrible in every item of clothing. I feel so fat and insecure lately like everyone is here to judge me. I don't feel confident and I don't like any of my cloathes anymore. I just want to wear a big hoodie and sweatpants everyday.

U LIKE ALL THE MUSICIANS/ BANDS I LIKE HI NEW FRIEND

You have to be on a different level of self destructive to be suicidal and still texting your online friends to help them with their problems. Because same.

Oops I lied. I did change the layout back but sadly to my dismay it is not of fetus michael, but michael in the cowboy hat was too cute not to put as my profile pic. Sorry not sorry. I might change it in like a week or if I get depressed this week and feel the need to change everything :)

Yes I just changed my layout to wedding vibes but I guarantee it will be back to fetus michael in 1 to 2 business days...

Michael got fucking married. I'm shocked. Crystal is stunning. Michael is handsome. Mr and Mrs Clifford??? I'm crying.

So I've been out of school for a little over 2 weeks for Christmas break so far, and I go back in like 5 days... I've been home for what feels like forever and it's made me realize how fucking bad my mental health has gotten since school started. How much pressure and stress I've put myself under to be perfect and get good grades. I focused so much on being perfect I haven't taken anytime for myself and now I look at the past 5 months and have no useful and fun memories. I don't have any friends. And it is about to be 2022. I'm not ready for any of it. Going back to school, a new year, I'm not ready to do anything. I have no motivation for anything and I feel numb again like I used to. I just want things to stay the same forever and to sleep away the pain. God I'm so unprepared I just want to dissapear.