hellomsmile

when i come, i say your name. i need you to pull my hair and fuck me good

i believe words are power. manifest what you want by simply speaking them. write what you want and they soon shall be yours. i’d rather be happy and delusional than always fucking miserable. 

i want to tell someone i’m struggling. anyone. please hear my cries. i am sick. i need someone to know i crave some sort of pain to distract from what’s in my head. i have the urge to bang my head against the wall. the urge to stab my thighs until i bleed. i need someone. anyone. please. please hear me. 

i hate my brain. i feel so deeply detached from it. it is simply there to keep me from dying. i am detached from every single piece of my being. i long to feel nothing. i constantly feel this overwhelming ache. nothing seems to dull it. i just want it gone. my body is defective. my brain is defective. i long for the abyss of nothingness. i can’t fix him nor myself so truly, what’s the point? does he even want me? i fear ill always love more than anyone would ever love me. that realization is soul crushing. the only piece of me i have left. i am nothingness. i am skin and bones and alive but not really. everything that makes me, me doesn’t exist anymore. i am so detached from my body and soul that i don’t know who i am. 

i’m tired of my stupid fucking brain. i deserve to be loved and have someone to love me but trust feels like i’m just waiting to get heartbroken again. i hate letting myself get excited to see someone. i hate letting myself trust and feel emotions towards another. how do you ever trust someone when you’re constantly waiting for them to leave? i’m waiting and watching for every possible sign they might leave. when they cancel plans or things take longer than expected i freak the fuck out. i just feel like a kid again. no one ever stays with an emotional cry baby. she’s just a stupid, ditzy, emotional bitch. what do i even offer? how could anyone really love me? i am too much and i honestly need to just fucking accept it at this point 

i keep being told i’m the problem in indirect ways. my hair is too bright of a color. i don’t wear enough makeup. i don’t dress up. i don’t look happy enough. i don’t want to change but also i feel so fucking lonely. i wish the universe would take away the feeling of connection i so desperately crave since it’s clear i always push everyone away. 

the sudden urge to change absolutely everything about myself. i feel like a stranger in my own body and i have no idea who i’m supposed to be. what am i supposed to wear. how am I supposed to have my hair? how do you talk? how do you laugh? how do you get people to treat you like you’re worthy of love and respect without giving up fun and whimsy? do i need to become like every other person? i feel so devoid of life and joy. how does one get that back? would changing everything about myself fix it? am i truly the problem? 

there are claw marks all across my body. my body aches and begs to give up. i claw and claw, hoping and praying to get out of this skin i was cursed with

i’m tired of this forlorn feeling i always regress back to

if all roads lead back here, why bother?