-`♡´-

sometimes i daydream that something bad happens to me. like i get cancer and survive. or a car crash and stay in the hospital for awhile. just something to see how people would react to the reality that life is temporary and fragile. something to prove that i am loved by people and will be missed if something does happen. i don’t want to die, just want something to show people i am vulnerable 

if i truly am unlovable then please god take the desire away from me 

i should’ve known it was coming but it still blindsided me. i can’t get any relief because of you saying you might be in love with your best friend. that fucking hurts. so. fucking. bad. i didn’t know heartbreak can make you feel physical pain but here i lie, crying and feeling like a bunched up paper ball

i feel like the universe is against me. i was born/ developed a stupid fucking disorder that alters my perception of everything and everyone. i’m so fucking pathetic and i’m trying not to do anything drastic because this all could be nothing. at the same time though, i want to down a shit ton of pills. i don’t want to be here or fucking think of all the shitty possibilities of why you’re not responding 

You were wrong for what you did to me

And you say that it's not my fault
          But I don't believe you at all
          If you love me, then why do you never call?
          
          You were wrong
          But I was sick

maybe it’s nostalgia or something but it’s almost been an entire decade since i created this account. i am beyond bewildered that my life once revolved around this app

sometimes scrolling throughout here i just imagine how many profiles lie here desolate. abandoned under pseudonyms that teenagers, at the time, thought were hilarious. how many accounts that were once an active place for teens only to turn empty as we age. i turn 22 in a couple months and my heart has a special place for this account. a virtual diary that allows me to yell into the abyss. a story of a mentally ill teen turning into a semi functioning adult. how i’ve survived these big feelings before and i can do it again. <3

and i want to shout it from the rooftops. i love you. i’m proud of myself for being able to love someone and overcoming the fear of judgement from my family. <3

the agonizing guilt of not calling. i want to but i know every phone call is the same. she’s mad. she’s disappointed. you shouldn’t have done that. or this. i want to call and talk to her and tell her the big news but i know she’ll be mad about saturday. i didn’t come over. i don’t want to come over for chores. she thinks it’s my responsibility but in the end it’s not. i deserve to be me. do things for me.