ʚ♡ɞ

i’m anxious again. logically there isn’t a reason for me to be. ik it’s probably about work but why?? why am i anxious over something i’ve done before over and over before? i’ll never understand my dumbass brain and its stupid chemical imbalances

it seems she is the root of my problems here of late but i try so hard to be a good daughter and be in her life but she just makes me feel like shit for making decisions for me. it’s either i think of myself and feel the guilt of not helping them out or help them and feel the feeling of missing out on life. i’m fucked either way and that’s why i think ill never be happy. i can do everything right and it’s still not enough. why is it not enough? it’s always more. more. more. i want to hide from reality and exist only in peace. i hate that i feel like this when people have more legitimate reasons to be depressed. i feel pathetic. 

i’m an adult but still fear my mother like a child. fear she will hate me if i truly express myself. hate me for simply being different. simply for not living up to her expectations of me. logically i know her opinion is invalid when it comes to me internally but i still wish she’d be happy for me. is it jealousy that i’m doing what she can’t or simply because i no longer fit in her box of a “perfect daughter”. i’ll never know and i probably never understand her reasonings. 

i want to scream until my voice is no longer recognizable. i want to break away from this stranger i claim to be. i want peace and freedom and i’m afraid i’ll never get to experience it without guilt and pain. sometimes i just wish i was a breeze on a spring day. i fear i can never be truly happy and that scares the shit out of me

i don’t miss him but rather the person he used to be. three songs remind me of him and i can’t bring myself to remove them from my playlist. it was a time when you were there, present and caring. emotions are so weirdly complex.

i’ll laugh it off when i’m told i’m the therapist of the family. i’ll shrug it off when i’m told i’m the problem solver. i act nonchalant when people come to me for advice but the reality is that it drains me more than they realize. i cannot solve everyone’s issues and be their emotional crutch. i feel like it takes a little bit of me whenever i have to walk them through their emotions. i’m not a therapist nor do i aspire to become one. if you value my advice so much, get a real therapist and not rely on me for everything. 

it’s the way i’d go back to 2010 and be a kid again. my grandfather is still alive and my dad is still here. i would go to school and play on the swings. watch cartoons after school and beg my parents for crappy toys that will break within a week. if i could go back i would but at the same time i would go back at 21 and hug 7 year old me tight. i would tell her that i love her dearly and to not let anyone tell her she isn’t enough. i want to love 7 year old me like someone should’ve been back then

i long for peace. i simply want to live without my presence causing issues for others. i want to be happy and at peace with myself. i care a lot and it unfortunately is my downfall. why can’t i be enough for myself? 

young as i want to know
          i’ll never let you go

finishing eight or nine
          tell me, what's the perfect time
          i told you i'll been waiting
          hiding from the rainfall
          tell me what's the joy of giving if you're never pleased