hhhhmp

they say envy is the thief of joy, but sometimes you can’t help it when everyone around you expected you to become something you were not, ALL THROUGHOUT YOUR LIFE
          
          all i’ve ever wanted was to be able to breathe. but when i finally did, it felt like the shitties decision i’ve ever made. dropping out in my last year of college gave me the breath that i desperately needed, but at what cost?
          
          now everyone else has graduated. they’re moving on with their lives while i’m stuck wondering if i threw mine away.
          
          i wish i could just turn my brain off. the thoughts never stop. every day i keep dodging them, suppressing everything i feel, pretending i’m okay. it doesn’t work. i can’t remember shit anymore haha. i just feel…numb. i wake up every day like a fucking zombie. same routine. no purpose. no excitement. just existing.
          
          i feel bad for my family. they’ve been patient this entire time, but sometimes i can see through their stares and hear murmurs behind my back. maybe they’re not even saying anything. maybe it’s just me filling in the silence with everything i already think about myself.
          
          i feel even worse about pushing my friends away. i blocked them on everything. i don’t even know why i’m so fucking stupid.
          
          if feeling numb is better than becoming the person i was back in college, then so be fucking it.

started reading here during my elementary years. now, everybody else graduated college/uni, but me

I dob’t really know what to do anymore

God, I miss being a kid. Let me go back in time just reading here all day. Life’s been pretty shit

got so many books and i really wanna sort them out in my reading list, but just thinking about it…is mentally exhausting and makes me wanna puke 
          \__/ same with my music — i hate relying on other ppl’s playlists