hom0cidal

i changed the username i used through my entire teenage-hood (which i didn’t like) and now i got a case of happy anxiety

being past tense sounds very inviting at the moment.

2022 has given me absolutely no emotional balance whatsoever; first my boyfriend gets to move down then i get diagnosed with PTSD
          
          like i’m super excited but, also really traumatized???

does anyone else find abusive/toxic people very ironic?
          
          my latest failed relationship left me verbally/mentally abused for three years. i had grown to “fall out of love” with them and it was taking a very negative effect on my mental health,, specifically my anxiety. i wasn’t willing to end it myself at the time, due to thinking it was merely a rough patch. the last two months, however, i got very snappy and rude to them whenever they got wrongfully verbal to me, and i guess they weren’t okay with that. THEY ended the relationship, saying I was the problem. i was negatively effecting THEIR mental health. i wasn’t sure how to respond to that. i laughed honestly. just- ironic how that works out, isn’t it?
          
          after i got a weeks break before they messaged me asking to be friends, which i thought was an insult. keep in mind, along the terrible treatment i received over the years, they were too immature to write themselves a proper breakup and had their cousin and mom do it for them. maybe i’m selfish, but i thought that was uncalled for. to have family gang up on me for something that was more then a mutual decision. i, foolishly, agreed to speak with them in group chats, but i said i was not comfortable being friends yet. they never treated me better, if not they treated me worse and i simply drew the line. i have been extremely suicidal and even landed a spot on the ICW for my local medical care facility. yesterday was bad and i made a vent to help me cope with suicidal actions. they didn’t like what i posted, said i had no right to post a video about them (in which i compared my experience with them to another ex of mine, who also abused me the same they did and physically as well) while they slept. do i not have the right to post what and when i want on my own channel? it’s under my rights, is it not? i didn’t know i needed to follow their rules, especially after a breakup nonetheless.
          
          what should i make of this experience?

hormones are wack, bro

a truely, beautifully, frustrating feeling it is, being so close to having something wonderful with someone, but just having that one thing that stops it from blossoming fully.
          
          the euphoria of slowly suffocating under the heavy weight of emotional stress for being so attached and distant at the same time.
          
          it's a new feeling,, it's both so indescribably wonderful and gut wrenchingly painful, each sides like hooks in my body that pull with inhumane strength.
          they're tearing me in chucks, pieces of meat- and just re-hooking themselves, keeping me aware even after i break down and reach the limit, it's still an exilherating experience that neither party wants to end quite yet.
          
          such a beautiful way to be tortured, it is.

so.. i have learned a bit of distressing news...
          
          my sister has informed us that a coworker of hers has tested positive for COVID-19. as of now, no one knows who the employee is or if they've been around them,, all they have been told is that they have "possibly been exposed".
          
          now, this raises serious red flags for obvious reasons― one being the sudden COVID case and the other being that my sisters company is really shady. despite having a worker test positive, they insist that work must continue and anyone who refuses to come to work because of the corona virus will receive no pay.
          
          my sister is very scared right now, as are all of us, and she will be quarantined for two weeks while her kids stay with us. what scares me and my mother is that she was over here just two days ago, and as of now we don't know if she has corona or if it's already spread to her kids.
          
          for me, this is a terrifying turn of events, since i have been struggling to breathe with allergies and asthma. usually it isn't that bad but, recently it has become a real problem and the last thing i need is a respiratory virus.
          
          my sister is getting tested tomorrow along with he grandparents and hopefully the kids too,, I'll post a follow up after things happen.
          
          hoping things turn out well 

question of curiosity ; does anyone practice tarot cards? as a beginner I'd appreciate any tips experienced readers can offer

so I've been thinking a bit, and hear me out ;
          
          what if i uploaded a comic series?
          
          I've been working chatting with a friend of mine who is starting her own comic series which was the inspiration for starting mine. I'd like to try and put my work into something like that, but, only really if people wouldn't mind.
          
          would you like to see that, or just pass on it?
          
          [feedback is really appreciated!]

so i may or may not be high as shit and instead of feeling tired i feel emotionally confused,, kinda wanna scold the guy whose been messing with my feelings lately