httpsn0wfall

i'm getting better or at least i think i am. i wake up and i finally have the energy to do things; not just work or things that are expected of me but hobbies and passions that i pursue because i truly want to. i see a future for myself where i'm successful and no longer drowning in despair. i'm happy and content with my life as it is and i wish better for myself instead of always thinking that i deserve the sadness i feel. i'm more connected with myself - i forgive myself for mistakes instead of torturing my mind day and night. but sometimes i feel a little piece of the other me creep in and haunt me, usually in the darkness of the night. she makes me wonder if i'm really actually happy  or if i'm just distracted for now. she makes me doubt that this is all another cover that i've put up so well that i can even fool myself now. she makes me fear the inevitable low that comes after the high. i smile a real smile because i am capable of smiling now - a luxury that was too far to reach, too much to afford before. but then i see her peering over at me and i feel i've betrayed myself, like i've left her all alone just as everyone does. am i abandoning myself? i see something and it reminds me that just as i'm capable of smiling authentically, i still am that other me who is able to feel profound melancholy, who is able to hurt herself so deeply to the point she cannot be fixed, who is tired and hopeless. sometimes that other me becomes the me of now and it makes me feel like all the progress i've made has dissolved. i don't hate the other me, she's very dear to me but i can't help but wish she didn't exist so that i could be normal. i don't think there's any such thing as truly healing; she's always there. sometimes i feel silly because i feel like i've made up these things that make me sad - it's all in my head i tell myself. i am yet to come to terms with other me and something tells me i never will. but i guess that's just who i am.

httpsn0wfall

i'm getting better or at least i think i am. i wake up and i finally have the energy to do things; not just work or things that are expected of me but hobbies and passions that i pursue because i truly want to. i see a future for myself where i'm successful and no longer drowning in despair. i'm happy and content with my life as it is and i wish better for myself instead of always thinking that i deserve the sadness i feel. i'm more connected with myself - i forgive myself for mistakes instead of torturing my mind day and night. but sometimes i feel a little piece of the other me creep in and haunt me, usually in the darkness of the night. she makes me wonder if i'm really actually happy  or if i'm just distracted for now. she makes me doubt that this is all another cover that i've put up so well that i can even fool myself now. she makes me fear the inevitable low that comes after the high. i smile a real smile because i am capable of smiling now - a luxury that was too far to reach, too much to afford before. but then i see her peering over at me and i feel i've betrayed myself, like i've left her all alone just as everyone does. am i abandoning myself? i see something and it reminds me that just as i'm capable of smiling authentically, i still am that other me who is able to feel profound melancholy, who is able to hurt herself so deeply to the point she cannot be fixed, who is tired and hopeless. sometimes that other me becomes the me of now and it makes me feel like all the progress i've made has dissolved. i don't hate the other me, she's very dear to me but i can't help but wish she didn't exist so that i could be normal. i don't think there's any such thing as truly healing; she's always there. sometimes i feel silly because i feel like i've made up these things that make me sad - it's all in my head i tell myself. i am yet to come to terms with other me and something tells me i never will. but i guess that's just who i am.