DepressionIsMyExpression

Wussup with all the long ass paragraphs bruh

Hey guys and gals! Idc if you want too or not but I made a Sarahah account because I felt like it and if you'd like too, and I'd appreciate it, could you possibly leave me a little message? I'm not going to ask who sent what but you can tell me whatever you want!
          
          https://kanenekozes.sarahah.com/

So.. regarding my last little chat on the 3rd of November.. To in a way sum up how it went it basically went like this:
          I've been hiding as much pain as I can for the past four years and I continue hiding what I can to this day. It was apparent that I couldn't hide it much longer to even the point where random people in school would notice something was off and try to help me. The football game for my school that I went too was basically my downfall. Normally I'm better but after dealing with some other stuff the month before and extra stress from a few other things involving that crush of mine (Whom I love a bunch) I was basically down for the count.
          There was this kid in ROTC (or JROTC) who was throwing a crushed can from behind the bleachers up into the crowd and it nearly hit an elderly person and it just pissed me off so I went behind the bleachers to talk to him. On instinct I reached out quickly to grab his throat and let go instantly realizing what I had just did but I hadn't budged.
          We had a chat and I mentioned my father on accident since we were on the topic of "mistakes". It was the dumbest thing I've done. We finished our conversation and I headed back up the bleachers to sit next to my friends again and I started to tear up badly so I covered my face and told them I had something in my eye so they'd leave me alone..
          It really only lasted for maybe 8 minutes before I completely broke.
          After the game ended I was walking with my crush back into school through one of the entrances we have and the second I past through the gates I started to tear up really badly since I only realized how much I've gone through and how long ago my physical and mental state has far beyond past what they should have gone through. I cried never ending tears for literally 10 minutes since I had to cut it short given I had to leave with my carpool..
          I made my crush cry since I was crying and I scared a few people with outbursts in an outburst and it didn't help me feel any better

Hey guys how are y’all doing? Well at least those who really care for these. Anyways I’ve just wanted to say that my little moment from October 26th have not really changed.. I think I’ll stay until the end of my high school years.. as long as nothing else happens but I haven’t been able to make myself known even though I’ve joined sports, stand out extremely, and even participate in anything I can. It funny and all that how I just want to be know even though I’ll probably be leaving once high school is over.
          
          I also just remembered why I decided to type this all out.
          
          So today, an awesome friend of mine told me to make my move on my crush. We even made a deal that if i got mine on a date, he’d ask his one out too. I guess I couldn’t keep up my side of the bargain..
          The thing is with my crush, she is a transgender going from female to male, which I’m completely fine with,. But it’s just that.. I’m always so nervous then when I feel like I can tell him, someone is right there and doing something to make me feel jealous, that’s the point in where I start to get angry in not only myself, but for just being jealous in the first place.
          I don’t have the balls to just walk over there and ask, I don’t have the balls to even say how I really feel towards her or with myself. It’s bullshit really and I keep telling myself to stop and move on.. 
          but it always comes down to whether or not I should just leave and kill myself..
          
          I’m not saying I have a bad life, nor do I have bad people in it. I’m just a kid, who’s changed over the years, becoming to emotionally attached to both my past and present, too attached to the ones I love. I’m starting to think I’ve actually lived a good life and I’ve helped people change.. too bad trying to change them was a double-edged sword.. ready to stab my heart and change who I was. I can’t remember when I was last really happy and never had a sense of doubt..
          Oh that’s right..
          
          When I was never here.

I know it's a little late for those who care for me or at least claim too.
          But I've been feeling suicidal and I don't know why, it's just felt right
          Getting in trouble for raising grades, missing chances with friends and perhaps even a good girl/boyfriend because of it.
          I'm kind of just done with it, I haven't eaten too much either and my body is starting to fall apart, each limb getting sorer and sorer,  just like how I've felt all these years. It's funny really how well I can hide my feelings but then.. it all comes out when I'm angry at something that should have made me happy.
          
          Don't try to make me feel better, it won't help right now

Sometimes I really wish,
          I could become a fish,
          To escape those who ignore,
          Those who are there for

Debating whether or not to really go ahead and end it all.
          Maybe i will, maybe I won't.
          Or I can continue writing my problems away into my arms, and feel the never ending sorrow of those I lost to my alarms