Arranayada16

Your alone, unhappy and insecure but your trying to become better in the eyes of others. The world must be perfect and your emotions are invalid but deep down you sincerely pray to look for a companion to lean on, someone that you can share your burden with, a friend that is willing to listen in all your sad and happy stories in life, a person who will not judge you and is willing to understand your situation, a person who can share his resources to you without thinking of any repayment, a person that will love you of who you are and not trying to compare you to other people, someone that can inspire, motivate and make you important. I found someone but somehow why I still feel alone? 

Inhale and exhale.. I need to breath and don't deny that becuase I am human too. Do not make fun of the mistakes of others specially when they put all thier atmost effort and sincerity in doing their job. It just that we coudn't predict and control what will happen in the future so as peoples minds. Now that you are a professional your words will become a rant so learn to swallow your voice and hide your emotions perfectly. 

I may have a small bussiness but all of the profit is always goes to my savings for paying my bills, and it is soo tiring to budget my money even it is not enough to pay all of my monthly expenses. I am feeling guilty to spend a single coin and ever I have something that I want, I just close my eyes so that I will not be tempted. For the past years, I'm always financially independent from my mother but now, I really need not to be ashame to ask for financial because I'm soo broke. How I wish that I able to keep my money and I did not decide quickly before so that I don't have to struggle financially and emotionally. I hope to recieve a call from Deped so I can work again. 

There are soo many things that I want to write because there are soo many things that worries me and becuase there are soo many I don't even know where to start. Soo let's start with my application in rarejob and my photo editor try out application that all end up with nothing. With this all, I should now accept that online working is really not for me. I have 2600 for loptop and 450 internet bill monthly. What should I do with it? It pain and worries me how to pay them all. My mom can help but I know one day she will have to worry this too because she still have other responsibilities. They said that I am an idiot for deciding to resign not thinking where I will get money afterward and getting loptop even though I'am not sure if I will be hired in 51 talk . Maybe I am, but I don't know that it will happen in this way becuase for sure I can't read the future. I'am really suffering right now plus we also have this quarantine becuase of covid everything becomes more measerable to me now. 

This is what I can get after I invest too much money, effort, energy and trust? My application to 51 talk was reapply and It is soo frustrating. It seems like my skills in both teaching and communication is already gone with my profile background everybody think it is a joke but I know my self and I can't blame anything but myself. I was too confident with it and think that it is already my way to earn money but it was a scum. Now I need to really earn some money because all my saving money was spent in buying loptop and the other. I was left with nothing and too think I need to pay monthly to my new loptop and internet makes me more worried than my reapply application in 51 talk. 

I woke up feeling so down right now, It's almost a year. Waking up everyday is no longer exciting and sleeping every night is no longer as nice as before. Dreams are frequent recently it seems like even my soul is no longer alive. I'm full of disappointments and rejection these days, my life is not as it was before. I keep my self entertain but it was not enough becuase I can't stop thinking about it. My mind are very close becuase whenever I can think of something good their is always a wall that will stop me. And I'am too timid and weak to fight it, when can I have my courage back? I really need someone to support me but I can't just tell anybody to do it becuase I think no one can. Am I really not in the right time and decision? I'am already very tired to all of this 

All of you think that I'am enjoying this jobless life and keep telling me "apply this, apply there, try to do this" I appreciate all of your concern but what you are suggesting to me is all the job that I dont want. I don't care if you will tell me stuborn, I just don't want to waste my time in doing things that I don't want. Without a job is already preasure, it keep me restless all of the time if you think I'am fine with it well I'm not!! It's been almost a year there are soo many reason why I can't have an Item yet and one of it is I'am in the family of dynasty in the DEPED. I sometimes blame that, but the same time I can't because I know it is where my mom get money to feed us all. I can't blame my self either because I know I did my best in all the requirement and even I will top I can't have and Item right away because "We are part of the dynasty"! Soo what should I do?? remove my surname Cimafranca?!? AHH.. can't do that either. Wait patiently until you will be call but when? I'am not use to be a jobless person soo it's a little hard. I can't complain because right know I'am a nobody, I can't runt in any public social media because I will be look weak, I can't post any picture of me being happy because they will think that it's fine to me without a job because I'm rich that I can afford to travel or eat anywhere. I know that things will work someday, I still keep my faith even though sometimes I question it, I become hard headed and deaf to all those words but deep within I feel it all. Right now what I need the most is incouragement and understanding in my situation.  I believe that everything has a reason let's all wait patiently ❤️

They said that your sisters are your best friends that can be with you through think and thin, someone who can understand your troubles, the one who can guide you next to your mom, the person who can yell at you for doing something that is not right, the travel buddies and your enemy all the time, but still love you the most. But then here I’am still cannot forget what my most oldest sister did to me, She told in the division not to give me my Item because the place where I will be assign is somewhat far and told them that I don’t need a job right away because I don’t have responsibility that if I have to work my salary will only be wasted for my luxury things. OH MY GOD! why such thing happen! It’s my most deepest prayer to be hire as a public school teacher I don’t care what place I will be assign as long as I will have a stable job. It is not true that my salary is only be spent in material things! I do help financially at home even pay electricity bill and food. 

He will now physically leave me and I can’t say no to it. It’s true that I never thought that he is a seaman on the day he give me flowers. It just sink in to me latey, I told my self not to be in relationship on any man that can put me in LDR becuase they will leave me and I will be alone, something that I don’t know if I can survive. I cannot trust only his words but we did something that I can’t just ignore and honestly speaking I’m in love in this man. I don’t know why in our 5 months and a half he become my everyday thoughts, strenght and motivation. I’am afraid If I can really see him again next year after 9 months, will our feelings will not change in that time? I promise him that I will wait, will he wait for me too or he will just forget me? his ship doesn’t have internet because of it my fear become worse without communication our relationship will be challenge. But I know in my self that I will really do my best to survive in this, this might be my first long relationship to a man and happen to be LDR. I don’t want to waste my LOVE  my God guide us both if it is us then it is us 

Sometimes what we are wishing for will not come right away, maybe God have a better plans for us and he wish us to be patient because he is the only one who knows when is the perfect time. But while we are waiting, we cannot stop thinking when will be that day will come, and each passing day our hopes are one by one collapsing. Seeing and hearing our friends has been called and you are not yet, were in fact you have been the same. You fell jelous, happy for them and Injustice in the process. Yet we need to remain silent or our names will be black listed. Unfair isn’t it? because you are just a mere person and they have the power your voice is nothing even though you approach them hundred times if they have someone they like even it’s points is lasser than yours you should admit defeat!  It means you will wait for uncertainity may my mind, heart and body will last longer for I’am now in state if depression.