✝ڪـارلوس

I've been thinking about you for two days now, and I don't know why. 

The situation is getting worse 

I'm over it Why do I keep reading our old conversations? 
          
          The beginnings were fantastic, everything was perfect
          
          For a moment I felt like I was in a novel with someone who wasn't there
          
          I am sure that he is not the same person who appeared to me recently. Was he pretending and acting his personality? To make me fall in love with him 
          
          I don't like to talk about my anxieties and privacy, but this got the better of me. I can't believe we were lovers and in love with each other that much, and now we're strangers
          
          I laughed, I felt shy, I felt butterflies, I cried or I didn't, anyway, and I felt all of these feelings while reading the old conversations
          
          But I swear to God that we have moved on, and in a good way. Why don't I go back and read what happened? I am stupid 
          
          I have always lived my life and made my decisions with my mind only, but my damned heart got the better of me today. Damn life, everything in it is deceitful

I was telling a story to my grandmother She killed all the heroes and she was sad
          
          She said: Why?  
          
          I answered her while smiling Because I love sad endings 
          
          She said: What is beautiful about her? She is sad and hurt. Make her happy and she will be comfortable
          
          I replied: I write something realistic And the cliched happy endings do not exist in realitySadness, tears and emotion are what truly touch the heart
          
          Haha, in the end, I think she was convinced or not, it doesn't matter, she is a good listener 

She brags about being a pervert and being good at sex. Damn her, how I hate her and damn her ridiculous perversion 

لو هرب منك النعاس! وصار النوم ڪلوسواس... لاتتقلب بالسرير فتجعل نومك عسير؟ 
          غطي نفسك باللحاف ورقص رقصه الخراف✨

نعم اليو هو عيد ميلادي.. ها انا أتامل رحلتي بهذا الحياة اعوام مضت بين الحزن والفرح والسقوط والنهوض اذكر كنت وحدي دائماً لم اكن بحاجة شخص يساندني.. ادركت ڪل شيء مررت به كان يعطيني درس و يقويني.. كبرت عام جديد لڪن مازال داخلي صغير تنقصة الڪثير من الأشياء أتذكر لحضات بكائي وانهياري وضعفي كنت أضن أنني لن اقوى على الوقوف من جديد لڪنني نهضت تعلمت ومضيت واصبحت اقوى من قبل.. ادركت أن الحياة اختبار مستمر شعاره(لاتقع بالخطأ مرتين) الحياة تحدي ڪبير تمنحنا فرصة لننضج ونتغير أشعر بالأمتنان لڪل لحضه سوء عشتها وتعلمت منها ولڪل شخص ترك أثر بحياتي سوء بالبقاء او الرحيل.. الحياة ليست بعدد السنوات بل بعمق التجارب التي صنعتنا اعتقد إنني اكتفيت وشاهدت الڪثير من حياتي لڪن في العام التالي سيأتي ماهو الجديد والمثير ليثبت لي أنني لم أرى سوا جزء بسيط.. همم لااعرف كيف يحسب عمر الأنسان هل بالاوقات السعيدة التي عاشها أم بالاوقات التعيسة؟ فقط الزمن يعرف هذا الاجابة لڪن الاهم أنني مستعدة لتحمل ماتحملة الايام القادمة لي... 
          
          سنة سعيدة لي ✨

I crave a warm neck kiss that leaves a red mark, then a deep embrace that takes my mind away, and then we wander off into another world. 

          You are my fire
          The one desire
          Believe when I say
          I want it that way
          
          But we are two worlds apart
          Can't reach to your heart
          When you say
          That I want it that way
          
          Tell me why
          Ain't nothing but a heartache
          Tell me why
          Ain't nothing but a mistake
          Tell me why
          I never wanna hear you say
          I want it that way
          
          Am I your fire
          Your one desire
          Yes I know it's too late
          But I want it that way✨

I have been alone since childhood. There was no one by my side, and I also did not want anyone. I loved my solitude, I loved the quiet, the darkness, and sitting alone. But now it's painful and scary. I have become very afraid of loneliness and darkness. I am afraid of being alone with myself. I feel like crying all the time And when you hold back your tears, it hurts more. Everything inside me is killing me