ima

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15

hap new yer

narwhals 5/12/23
          
          sunshine boy, he glows so bright
          he doesn't believe in narwhals.
          starlight boy, he shines them light
          when the waves are unforgivingly cold.
          
          i don't believe in them, says sunshine boy
          but i believe in us.
          i believe in love and i believe in you
          and i think that's enough.

list of 10 reasons why i love you 21/11
          
          if you asked me to make a list
          for every day i have dreamt about you
          i would sit awake from midnight till dawn 
          cause i struggle with deadlines but i’ll still try, for you
          
          so reason number one, youre like the fucking sun
          you glow so bright that you
           blind me everytime i decide
          to look at your stupid, beautiful face
          
          reason number two, from the sun, to the moon
          at night i lay awake, knowing you’re there
          somewhere, outside of my small world
          i stare at you in the dark like a goddamn fool
          
          reason number three, i forget to breathe 
          when you laugh and turn my world sideways
          you are a goddamn tornado in comparison
          to the otherwise heart that’s a simple breeze
          
          reason number four, you make me want more
          than the little words and praises that i do so adore
          to be entangled in your existence; till i burn up
          my very soul, like the wind after a war
          
          reason number five, wouldnt it be mine?
          a pleasure to see your face, your laughter, your eyes
          your smile is a sight for sore eyes
          and my eyes have been sore for way too long
          
          reason number six, believe me when i say 
          that the thought of you keeps me awake
          if you are an ocean, i’ll take a leap of plain faith
          i am in your hands, please keep me safe.
          
          reason number seven, everytime you talk 
          a piece of pure bliss weaves itself into my heart
          of your sound and your quiet, your love and what isn’t
          i’ll choke it all down, pretend it’s the nectar of heaven
          
          
          
          reason number eight, i find that i ache
          often when i am away from your embrace
          the warmth of your arms never cease 
          to rid me of warm salt water circles
          
          reason number nine finally, sun, moon to stars
          i watch them shine for hours and hours
          imagining the stardust infused in our souls
          hoping we were born of the same black hole
          
          reason number ten, this is such bullshit
          don’t you realize i could write about you forever?
          till my bones turn to dust? i’d be an empty husk
          till all the ink runs out of the very last pen.

you 22/11/13
          say you remind me 
          of someone, but i only 
          ever think of you

1/11/23 you will be safe
          
          it’s about as subtle as the stars
          just believe me when i say
          this is in total disregard
          to the scars around your arms
          
          the clouds come from afar
          and define the cross-hatch on your thighs
          so just get warm up in my arms
          i wont let you come to harm.

unreliable narrator 26/9
          
          it’s immediately afterwards but there’s nothing
          and this isn’t what happened? but surely i’m right
          i didn’t do anything. what did i even do? 
          i didn’t yell. but I remember now. i was too loud
          i should have shut up when i had the chance
          no one listens to me. i never wanna talk again
          
          but they started it, not me. i didn't do anything
          i feel so bad. i’m a horrible person for this
          what did i do? what the hell did i do?
          LISTEN. listen to me. i didn’t do anything.
          just wake up already. this feels too real.
          that’s not what happened and you know it, LIAR
          
          i know everything, okay? i’m good. i’m enough
          but where did it come from? i did it, right? 
          no way this is real. i’m NOT lying.
          not me. why does it hurt. what’s hurting? 
          everything. just stop it. i’ll stop. i don't want this
          i’m sorry, ok? i swear, it wasn’t even me.

me: i will go to bed early, i have school tomorrow
          also me: rewatches true beauty for the eleventeenth time till 4:30AM

I'M FINALLY STARTING THERAPY