imayunation

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i am fucking ovulating and this is the worst of the worst because...

imayunation

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i can't be distracted enough to ignore my feelings for you. ni hindi ko nga magawang magalit sa iyo. if you're here by my side, sasampalin kita at ipamumukha sa iyo na duwag ka, or maybe i'll only end up crying in your arms. you knew i wasn't just a friend to you. and i felt that too. you're just too coward to face the truth. 
          
          pinipilit ko na lang ang sariling mainis sa existence mo. pinapalubag ko na lang ang loob ko. but i'm fooling myself. because god knows how much i wanna run to you. ang daya daya mo talaga! palibhasa alam mong hindi ko agad kayang humanap ng iba at palitan ka. but you... kaya mong kunin kahit sinong babaeng gustuhin mo. pero kung sakaling dumating man ang araw na magmahal ka na nang seryoso, kakalimutan na talaga kita. i can't keep on thinking why can't you be that kind of man for me... 
          
          maybe i'm not just that precious enough. maybe hindi mo lang talaga ako gusto. hindi sapat para sa panghabambuhay mo. it's strange because when i met you for the second time around, i was fucking ready to risk it all for you. i enjoyed every second of our graduation practice because you were there. saktong sakto yung upuan mo para mahagip ng paningin ko. but after graduation... i was worried that i might never gonna see you again... so on the 21st of june, i sent you a message dahil hindi ko kayang isipin na hanggang doon na lang ang lahat... and things just happened unexpectedly.

imayunation

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@imayunation i saw you as someone na kaya akong seryosohin... na hindi ako paglalaruan. and you are and you didn't. and it's not your fault that you don't feel the same way like i do. but somehow, you made me feel special when we were together— kaya pinanghawakan ko yon. when you said that i should trust my feelings about you— i believed in you too. but when things started to get serious... you decided that we're just friends?! 
            
            kung masyado kang nabilisin then you should have just told me that! nakakainis ka talaga! hindi ko alam kung saan ko ilalagay ang nararamdaman ko sayo dahil wala ka naman para pagsabihan ko nito. 
            
            i just miss you and the way you talked to me. i miss believing in you. i miss waiting for you. i miss waking up when i was the feeling the prettiest. i wish i could go back to the times when we were just students and both part of something... sana mas hinanap kita dati during vacant or tuwing may school events. but i'm late. for the first time in my life, na late ako. hindi nga ako nalate dati sa classes eh.
            
            but maybe, it's all perfect. i will keep on trusting that there's a reason kumbakit ngayon ka lang nangyari sa buhay ko.
            
            would it be stupid to still hope and wait for you? because this is what i'm good at. kahit di sigurado... kahit masasaktan ako sa dulo. wala rin naman akong gagawin sa buhay ko. iisipin na lang muna kita. at least i have someone to think of when the skies are grey. kagaya nung lagay ng panahon nung magkausap tayo, diba? gago ka kasi eh.
            
            grrr!!! alam mo nakakainis ka talagang unggoy ka! gusto kita suntukin sa biceps!!! di mo ko deserve, ulol! may pag friends friends ka pa, we can't be friends dahil isa sa atin ay attracted, gago!!! bwisit kang nonchalant ka! 
            may pa good boy image ka pa di mo pa aminin na para ka talaga sa thirst trapper! (chares galit ako, bakit ba?!) 
            
            pero miss na talaga kita. ibinigay ka siguro sakin para hasain ang yearning skill ko? oh well, fuck it.
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imayunation

i know that my worth can and never will be defined by a man's attention. mahal ko naman ang sarili ko, but there comes a time when i question mine. it's as if i'm invisible. underappreciated. hindi pipiliin. wala sa choices. hindi man lang ako dadaan sa isipan ng isang tao. hindi magiging priority. hindi ipupursue. i am the real loser in love, i know that. maybe i am just waiting for nothing. hindi naman totoong may reward ako. nothing's waiting for me too. walang something grand na mala-movie ang mangyayari sa buhay ko. i wouldn't be rescued. i wouldn't be saved. but i badly wanna experience those normal and ordinary things too.

imayunation

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kung normal lang sana ako, dun sa isa na lang ako nagkagusto. pero kasi... si kuya lang hinahabol-habol ko ng tingin. masaya ako kapag palapit na siya sa akin. bakit kasi sobrang bait niya sa akin... tapos ganun pa siya tumingin?! kainis lang. lagi pa ko niloloko at inaasar  sinusungitan at nginungusuan ko lang siya. kung mas maaga kaya akong pinanganak, magtatagpo rin ang landas namin? bakit kasi kasal na siya? bakit di niya ko hinintay? kung pwede lang sana wag na niya ako kausapin at pansinin... sana di na lang siya mabait sakin  lahat ng gusto ko gawin sa kaniya, ginagawa na siguro ng asawa niya. i know naman na mali ito. pero di ko mapigilang magustuhan siya. i feel like i don't deserve to celebrate my feelings towards him... and it's a waste because they're all beautiful. i can understand kumbakit siya mahal ng asawa niya and i cannot argue with that. ang minamaktol ko lang ay wala na akong laban at dapat pang ipaglaban pa... 
          
          i must forget my feelings. as if it never existed. and that fucking breaks my heart. doesn't my heart deserve to be happy? hanggang dito lang ba talaga ako palagi?

imayunation

it's april, and this is my last summer as a student. our second semester is almost done, and our internship is probably one of the things that i wouldn't forget. i am already missing it. 
          we'll finish it before june. but, god, i don't want it to be over. because i think i'll miss him. i guess i'll spend this summer crushing on him. noong una, i was hoping na sa radio station ako ma-assign... and it broke me na malamang sa community affairs pala kami. but nagkaroon ulit ng changes and nalipat sa treasurer's office. in my mind, i said to myself, there must be a good reason kumbakit dito ako napunta. and there is. nakilala ko siya. i know this is just my delusions playing, but my heart is still happy. i couldn't thank god enough for making me cross paths with him. kahit alam kong hindi niya ako magugustuhan at ipupursue dahil sa age ko, at the very least, i still have my feelings. and those are reminders that i have something real. 
          
          happy summer, rio. i know you wouldn't forget this one. enjoy it.