aleng

i know that my worth can and never will be defined by a man's attention. mahal ko naman ang sarili ko, but there comes a time when i question mine. it's as if i'm invisible. underappreciated. hindi pipiliin. wala sa choices. hindi man lang ako dadaan sa isipan ng isang tao. hindi magiging priority. hindi ipupursue. i am the real loser in love, i know that. maybe i am just waiting for nothing. hindi naman totoong may reward ako. nothing's waiting for me too. walang something grand na mala-movie ang mangyayari sa buhay ko. i wouldn't be rescued. i wouldn't be saved. but i badly wanna experience those normal and ordinary things too. 
          
          

kung normal lang sana ako, dun sa isa na lang ako nagkagusto. pero kasi... si kuya lang hinahabol-habol ko ng tingin. masaya ako kapag palapit na siya sa akin. bakit kasi sobrang bait niya sa akin... tapos ganun pa siya tumingin?! kainis lang. lagi pa ko niloloko at inaasar  sinusungitan at nginungusuan ko lang siya. kung mas maaga kaya akong pinanganak, magtatagpo rin ang landas namin? bakit kasi kasal na siya? bakit di niya ko hinintay? kung pwede lang sana wag na niya ako kausapin at pansinin... sana di na lang siya mabait sakin  lahat ng gusto ko gawin sa kaniya, ginagawa na siguro ng asawa niya. i know naman na mali ito. pero di ko mapigilang magustuhan siya. i feel like i don't deserve to celebrate my feelings towards him... and it's a waste because they're all beautiful. i can understand kumbakit siya mahal ng asawa niya and i cannot argue with that. ang minamaktol ko lang ay wala na akong laban at dapat pang ipaglaban pa... 
          
          i must forget my feelings. as if it never existed. and that fucking breaks my heart. doesn't my heart deserve to be happy? hanggang dito lang ba talaga ako palagi? 
          
          

fuck the concept of marriage. 

it's april, and this is my last summer as a student. our second semester is almost done, and our internship is probably one of the things that i wouldn't forget. i am already missing it. 
          we'll finish it before june. but, god, i don't want it to be over. because i think i'll miss him. i guess i'll spend this summer crushing on him. noong una, i was hoping na sa radio station ako ma-assign... and it broke me na malamang sa community affairs pala kami. but nagkaroon ulit ng changes and nalipat sa treasurer's office. in my mind, i said to myself, there must be a good reason kumbakit dito ako napunta. and there is. nakilala ko siya. i know this is just my delusions playing, but my heart is still happy. i couldn't thank god enough for making me cross paths with him. kahit alam kong hindi niya ako magugustuhan at ipupursue dahil sa age ko, at the very least, i still have my feelings. and those are reminders that i have something real. 
          
          happy summer, rio. i know you wouldn't forget this one. enjoy it. 

tangina van freniere ayaw ko na  di na ko makapagbasa dahil di pa ko nakakamove on 

putangina sa mga nag eedit ng popular stories para mas maging presentable sa madla. whatever happened to raw feelings and authenticity?! 

here it goes again. the never ending songs i buried in my mind to help me cling onto something i never want to ignore and let go

i don't feel sad or lonely or miserable. where in fact, it's ecstatic. like i'm floating and stuck at the same time. i can't seem to function normally but i can feel it everywhere... i feel useful, alive, and untouchable. 
          
          i feel like hurting but i crave for more. because i know deep down, i am hurting for nothing, for no one. but the very thought that the feeling is very clear and familiar to me makes me cling to it. god, where did i learn to feel these emotions? i don't know love. maybe that's the point. i don't know romantic love but i know it's there somewhere, only it wasn't mine to own. 
          
          i am just meant to long for it. 

i guess i am attracted to callous and evil characters because i know the depths of my mind. maybe i even see myself. it's like a mirror. the only time that i like myself is when i realize that i like the monster in another. 

maybe in another life, you aren't hurt so much. in another lifetime, you are driving around your porsche. maybe you even graduated princeton. maybe you are wearing your old money clothes and not the same blue dull one. it doesn't suit you. in another life, you wouldn't have listen to lionel richie when you're escaping your reality. you could have been that songwriter. 
          
          maybe in another lifetime, i was born a little earlier and i could make my way to you. to support you. i wish we were lovers. we could take care of your stuffed animals. you wouldn't have to be afraid. or live in fear. i'd give you the love you fucking deserve. 
          
          it must have been very hard for a little boy to think about his faults. you were forced to grow up. i am sorry for being late. i am here now but you are still there, stuck. i hope time won't steal your life.