imsonotafan

wow i feel like i havent been on this account in 100 years lmao

imsonotafan

this message may be offensive 
Do you ever get really emotional about random shit that shouldn't really matter to you? All the fucking time for me. It's insane, I want to be happy, and I try, but then part of me wants to fix these problems that don't affect me. And sometimes I am happy, just blissfully happy. No problem in the world. 
          If I'm not worried over stuff like that it's just pure anxiety. Like I'll message a friend and they won't see it for a while and then I just worry. I worry that they see the notification but don't bother to look, or I'm on mute and they don't get any of my notifications. It sucks.
          Other times I just wonder if any of my friends really like me or just hang out with me for pity or something. I'm always wondering about that. I love my friends but still. I'm weird, really weird. I know that I try not to be weird but then I am and I can feel there judgment. Even if we're just texting. And I want to share how I feel with someone but I don't so I guess that's why I'm doing this. 
          Then I really like this one girl but she's straight, straight as a line. I'm not about to tell her I like her either because that would make things weird. I know I like her to. That's why it's so hard. Besides I'm not her type. 
          They also always point out how negative I am and try to make me less negative which I appreciate, I really do but that's just how I am. I want to be more pleasant I really do. 
          I think I've had this really weird look on life for about a year now. I think everything looks so pretty, I also am more afraid of dying. It's odd but I've always been afraid of death so it just figures it'd get worse. I just want to live my fullest life but I don't know. When I was younger I'd always imagine different ways I or someone close to me would die, what I would say or do or what someone else would say or do. I did this every night for years before I fell asleep. Maybe that's partially why I think the way I do.