inthe_skii

20th June 2023
          	
          	Over this year, I've realized how people can put on a nice mask called innocence and use you... that is, until you're of use... after that? They'll throw you away, as if you were some kind of garbage whose place is nowhere but a trash can.
          	
          	If it were me, a year before, I would have loved this attention I'm getting right now. I would have died for it. I would have let them use me as much as they wanted... as much as they could... because all I ever wanted... maybe even needed... was a friend. I wanted a person who would wave at me from a distance or be there to hug me when I'm feeling low, or just anyone, so that in the midst of the crowd where people are with groups and groups of friends, I wouldn't be the odd one, standing still and alone.
          	
          	Today, now, I am in that place. Still and alone. Why? Because I would rather be alone than be used and heartbroken again. But am I happy with it? No.
          	
          	Ever since I can remember, I had one friend. For me, she was the "best friend," but for her, I was merely a backup friend. I had clung to her so tight that I didn't realize I was hurting myself by not letting go. But again, how could I? I couldn't imagine living a school life without her. I had never been without her. It had become a habit. But now, even after letting go of that one person, I feel nothing but empty.
          	
          	I find myself wandering here and there, trying to find a place to fit in. But I don't, no matter how hard I try. Suddenly, the place I've been staying for ten years seems so unknown that I'm lost. While others are enjoying their lives, playing with their friends, sharing their thoughts, and laughing at jokes together with their friends.
          	
          	I sit at the door of my classroom, not eating my lunch because "eating alone feels awkward," a book in my hand because who else would stay with a boring person like me?
          	
          	But at the end of the day, isn't "not being used" what matters the most? A question I ask myself. A question I don't have an answer for.

inthe_skii

20th June 2023
          
          Over this year, I've realized how people can put on a nice mask called innocence and use you... that is, until you're of use... after that? They'll throw you away, as if you were some kind of garbage whose place is nowhere but a trash can.
          
          If it were me, a year before, I would have loved this attention I'm getting right now. I would have died for it. I would have let them use me as much as they wanted... as much as they could... because all I ever wanted... maybe even needed... was a friend. I wanted a person who would wave at me from a distance or be there to hug me when I'm feeling low, or just anyone, so that in the midst of the crowd where people are with groups and groups of friends, I wouldn't be the odd one, standing still and alone.
          
          Today, now, I am in that place. Still and alone. Why? Because I would rather be alone than be used and heartbroken again. But am I happy with it? No.
          
          Ever since I can remember, I had one friend. For me, she was the "best friend," but for her, I was merely a backup friend. I had clung to her so tight that I didn't realize I was hurting myself by not letting go. But again, how could I? I couldn't imagine living a school life without her. I had never been without her. It had become a habit. But now, even after letting go of that one person, I feel nothing but empty.
          
          I find myself wandering here and there, trying to find a place to fit in. But I don't, no matter how hard I try. Suddenly, the place I've been staying for ten years seems so unknown that I'm lost. While others are enjoying their lives, playing with their friends, sharing their thoughts, and laughing at jokes together with their friends.
          
          I sit at the door of my classroom, not eating my lunch because "eating alone feels awkward," a book in my hand because who else would stay with a boring person like me?
          
          But at the end of the day, isn't "not being used" what matters the most? A question I ask myself. A question I don't have an answer for.