Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling

I swear to god the other day in school it was like a fucking movie scene, my friend was pissed at me and they storm in our class room and this is how it went.
          
          Friend: you godamn piece of shit!
          Teacher: WOAH!
          Me: yeah.
          Friend: you broke up me and my girlfriend.
          Me: I mean it was bound to happen at some point, I just sped up the process.
          Friend: *launches drink that was in water bottle at me*
          Teacher: STOP!
          Me: well you can tell your ex I got real wet for her ass 
          
          To give you insight my friends girlfriend wanted to break up with her and I just helped her say it.

If you own a Jean jacket and drink chocolate milk please marry me my dms are open 

saw a girl with some nice tits today, it was my wife.

i'm not completely opposed to the idea of sucking dick for cocaine

i'm the kind of human wreckage that ya love, I swear to god My Chemical Romance needs to stop stealing my personality, i'm not for free, if ya want a blowjob I at least want some nice vodka

people do be talking about making fun of people at there lowest points, i'm at my lowest point please bully me to the point where I have the courage to go to the fridge and steal the last few shots of vodka, I done drank the rest of the bottle, also if ya wanna be my friend please dm me, i'm lonely

I was playing my ukulele today when the kid I was babysitting decided to fucking SCREAM and I jumped and screamed back in the process successfully chucking my ukulele across the room and now my c string is broken, i'm broke so now I have to dig one of my other ukulele's out of my closet so I can finish singing legend by twenty one pilots to an edgy 6 year old, thank god i'm getting paid.

'yeah I drink juice when i'm killing cos it's fucking delicious' perfectly describes my personality I can't

I know for sure I passed out in my bathtub last night, but I woke up on my bedroom floor....fully clothed I-

I might be eating a happy meal I found in my neighbors garbage, you'll never know