binnie

https://youtu.be/69O8PjyJiE4?si=UxZrN9ayGHRyMUXt

god pls just turn me into a very famous and successful musician already i don't wanna do college anymoreeeeeeee

it's a known fact that i've always hated my existence ever since i was young and had almost reached a point of ending everything, but part of me actually wants to live and hope that things would get better; that's when i discovered subliminals
          
          they had given me little impacts as time went by listening to those despite my negative mind that i'm almost dependent on them sometimes, i eventually learned how to make them leading to me making a channel dedicated to subs and a special audio meant just for me, everything felt nice not until recently
          
          idk if i'm crazy but i think people from our campus department had figured out this side of me ever since my suspicion of them spying on me by hacking my devices, i don't even know if i'm really hacked but the way people act around me recently is so shady, idk what my sin is if they actually did; they (including my friends) might be badmouthing me now calling me delusional, feeling main character, fake, stupid, disgusting, wicked, manipulative, etc.
          
          these very personal things are only meant for me: i just wanted to be better, be perfect, be my ideal self, be fixed, be normal, but why this had to happen? it's so similar to the times when our computer shop's customers hacked my google account after finding out i posted dance videos and made that account for trolling leading to me to be hated, all because of their desire to make fun of me; people from then and now are no different, both incredibly disgusting and horrible
          
          is it really that bad to desire good things for yourself? i'm drowning in humiliation; i don't want to put myself out there again

Thanks for the follow! :)
          
          I usually don’t look too closely at the accounts that follow me and simply say thank you, but yours caught my interest. I understand what it feels like to go unnoticed, to wish for the difficult moments in your life to end, to struggle with self-hatred, and to feel miserable every time you wake up. This may not mean much, and you may not need this message, but I want you to know that I see your struggles, I recognize your pain, and I see you. ♡

i became a burden once again
          
          turns out i have a serious heart problem which is apparently deadly; they spent tons for my bills and would undeniably spend tons for my funeral because my time is near.
          
          in this life, i haven't done something that would make my family proud, only disappointment; i'm ashamed of myself

I don't wanna come across jealous, I'm proud of my siblings', friends', and cousins' achievements in life but I can't help but feel envious. They actually like the path that they're taking career-wise and are blossoming with many awards, while me, I'm just... nothing.
          
          I'm stuck with this course that I never really wanted in the first place but had to be because of practicality. I'm not meant for this, I can never show and flourish my potential here. Most of the time, I try to understand and practice everything I have to study but I don't have the ability to comprehend these programming and computer-related things. I want to drop out but everyone's already disappointed enough of me; I can't let that become worse.
          
          Now, with my singing-songwriting hobby, I don't feel like doing it anymore. I enjoy doing it but I have to be realistic that it isn't as easy to get profit here compared to having great education and taking some highly-respected job. Plus, I'm being made fun of with it from people in our neighborhood to the people in our university, my voice is so fucking ugly. The little respect they had on me vanished once they learned I made music.
          
          Why am I so untalented? Why am I so useless? Why am I born? What was I made for?
          
          I always try my hardest to pick myself up, again and again; but no matter what I do, I always fall down harder than before. I always gaslight myself that these are just setups for something better but it's just the bad things. I can't fake happiness anymore, I'm fucking dying.
          
          I just want to live a happy and fulfilling life. What did I do to deserve this?

https://youtu.be/WB7i8MT7tYk?si=hR2cID7RRTPzXJ1w

i don't know if i should continue pursuing music; i love to sing the songs that i write, i enjoy it but my vocal tone sounds too horrible i'm highly disgusted asjndemem what was i made for

i want love i wanna be loved i don't know how to love i feel empty

finally, after years of struggling, i finally managed to make my own song em so happy advcfvgnb dissatisfaction decreased https://youtu.be/4tcRGBm13kY