.

sometimes I just wish I could talk about this with someone without ruining their day

I'm not better. and I don't think I'll ever actually get better. not for long at least. I will always fall back. and I'll always run back to the old ways to cope with it

you see, the problem with addiction is that you'll never get rid of it. you'll only be clean. it'll be there. you'll never be free from it 

you see, I don't think I'm in love. because this is not how it felt when I loved you. maybe I still do, not sure... 
          
          but I also have no idea what I feel. maybe it's just a bit more than friendship. not sure. I was scared as fuck that she might kiss me, but it was totally fine and felt nice when she just kissed my cheek and such.
          
          I wouldn't say no to that idea either that I just want the feeling of someone loving me, and I felt that way because of this. but I want to believe I'm no longer that much of an asshole...
          
          and I don't want to get her hopes up, that's not something anyone would deserve.
          she said it at least once that she definitely would want more than friendship from me. so it's kinda depending on me. which sucks.
          
          I'm confused.
          
          I'm grateful that I could talk about this with you yesterday, thank you.

"you know me better than anybody, and you can't not be a part of my life"

I'll be honest... I'd have kissed if you didn't have a bf. but I (try to) respect boundaries and such.
          
          and I really did think everything seriously... and I'm a bit sorry for that. I know I shouldn't have said it, no matter how much I wanted to tell you. I don't wanna mess with your head or anything. you just deserve to know the truth, even though I'm aware sometimes it's better if I just shut up.

i am in fact not better.
          
          my life got better, but not me.

i think im in a better place now
          but i dont think ill ever delete this profile, tho...
          even if people know its me (haha, no pun intended) this is kinda my escape when i just want to say random stuff out loud. i wouldnt go as far as it being my safe place, but its something like that by now

sooo... now she knows like all my social stuff basically... EVEN FCKING AO3

I... I might love you.... I'm sorry...