-̳a̳.̳

I feel like no one is in wattpad anymore. 

"I think.  You don't have to be anything. 
          I don't have to be anything. 
          We don't have to be anything. 
          And this text doesn't need to be anything. 
          It's just easy with you. 
          You are not a star,  nor a moon,  or the sun,  or the oceans. 
          You are just,  you. "

But im here still, 
          In your doorway. 
          Knocking at your door. 
          Cracking a childish,  genuine grin.
          Giving you a cup of coffee. 
          "Let's be drunk on coffee. " 
          
          You'd scoffed at the coffee. 
          Saying it's bad for adrenaline.  
          But we will drink it still, 
          Until all is left is the tight band at our wrist. 
          You will say i don't owe anything to the stars. 
           
          But i know you love the stars.  And the majestic of the moon. 
          
          I think,  it's not falling out of love. 
          It's not a resentment. 
          It's growing up. 
          I know my stars is outside in the darkness. 
          But maybe when clock is ticking away, 
          I didnt realize that my definition of stars is changing. 
          
          It's a weird realization. 
          Your eyes twinkle like the stars. 
          It's weird. 
          Because when i look at you, 
          Im thinking of the stars and the majestic of the moon. 
          It's fear, 
          Of finding canis major in you. 
          Maybe when you grow up, 
          You outgrow the stars. 
          
          Maybe i will outgrow this star in front of me too. 
          It's not falling out of love. 
          
          I used to think.
          Before you pull a 360° degree of the marbled floor beneath us, 
          "Why do you always define people as something far-fetched in your life? It's like you don't like to think of them as human like you."  It sounds like a serious question.
          
          But your smile is teasing. And it feels like my heart is bleeding. 
          
          I want to sob because you find the map behind this mess of chemical imbalance i cant control. 
          And you put ice to the shakiness of my hands,
          It doesnt feel like a joke when the coldness of soft drink melt beneath this thick layer of loneliness.
          
          "You dont have to hung them up on the sky and look like they are stars, they are humans though. Sometimes their souls are ugly , sometimes they are pretty,  but there's always ground beneath them to cushion them still." 
          
          He shrugged, "when you think they are those stars, you are the one who exhaust yourself into catching them when something goes wrong." 
          
          
          

Sometimes the question of forgiveness is easy too.  "Will you forgive them? "  yes,  forgiveness is easy.  
          
          But to me,  what also comes after forgiveness.  I forgive you but I also don't feel bad slamming the door of my heart from you.  
          
          Sometimes when people look me in the eye and said, "you're weird",
           thinking it will shard like a bullet but instead,  it feels like a child whining to me. 
          
          I ended up looking them with amusement behind my eyes.  My mind is chanting I forgive you,  even without the apology.  But what comes after that,  really?  
          
          Human and their highness always fascinate me.  Mainly because they seem to think the ground is a concrete when it's a rotting leaves.  Fragile. 
          
          You will find human saying 
          "I'm the most important in my friend group.  " 
          "why don't you have many friends?  " 
          
          But then I always feel amuse.  Everytime. 
          How can you say they are your friends when you look down on them and think you are better than everyone?  
          
          I think,  if you think you're better than someone,  you just fail in life,  on the spot. 
          
          It's pity too.  Are you sure your friendship is solid?  When in relationship you are supposed to be equal? How can you lie through your teeth and said i have many bestfriends when not one of them you think as equal? 
          
          So really, what comes after forgiveness and apologies?  
          
          I think,  forgiveness is like,  being there for the person who fall and stood there.  Not offering help but will do when they asked.  
          
          Forgiveness is like watching their fall like a bystander,  observe but not intervene.  And just feel,  indifference all together.  Watching with distinctly blank eyes. 
          
          You forgive them.  And that's it right?  
          
          It doesn't always have to be anything.  
          It could be nothing. 
          You will find what to do within time. 
          
          
          
          2/2

So...,  
          
          what comes after apology?  
          
          Is it resolution or is it separation?  Apology is the easiest thing in the world,  no matter how the media made it seem like only strong people apologize.  
          
          Not really.  Sometimes people say I'm sorry,  and then they jumped off a cliff.  Sometimes people say I'm sorry before they snort a thick line of white powders and their nose bleed and their hands shake, but still, they are sorry. 
          
          Sometimes parents say im sorry, but they divorce still. Sometimes your ex will say im sorry, but what comes after that is free fall of 'i cant do this anymore, im sorry.' 
          
          Sometimes apology comes with manipulation,  of easing yourself into being a good guy,  "I'm sorry. " paused. "But you know I only did what's best for you,  that's why I hit you honey. " it's what abusers do,  they say sorry,  and then they act like it's a social service to humanity. 
          
          But really who didn't say sorry in their life?  
          
          Sorry is like the easiest word to say. 
          So what really comes after apology?  Is it hug and kisses or longing looks or just,  indifferent?  
          
          Can you mend a broken shards of glass with sorry,  though? 
          
          1/2

Because when it's six, 
          I will want you at my three. 
          But it's all the pretentious of physics and literature,  you see?  
          
          Because i want to adore your verse but all i see is a chemistry bond and we will laugh,  and i will look at your twinkling hours. 
           
          And you will find,  
          It's a fairytale of chemistry
          I will balance our equation, 
          And you know what happen to those couple moleculars in chemistry?  
          
          They fall out. 
          
          But the phoniness of these sciences validation. 
          You're still a floating atom, 
          And I,  
          your most favourite scientist. 

It's like the process of supernova stars, 
          I remember reading it with admirance stare, 
          I never forgot how it's fireworks turns to black, 
          It's like a fire's wrath fading to a bleak. 
          
          It leaves mark even when it doesn't shine, 
           That  all the dying planets turn into one
          Of the same twinkle of yellow stars, 
          that I never once wonder who they are. 
          
          So promise me the same, 
          once the novelties wear off, 
          don't you ever leave us maimed,
          Let me be one of the twinkles you wished to aim
          

It's alright, we will be alright.
          
          Life is a mixture of storms, rains, rainbows, sunshine, beautiful constellation,  and twinkling stars. 
          
          It's okay to get stuck in the storm, 
          we will find the ray of sunshine later, 
          No storms last a lifetime, 
          this too, shall pass.
          
          Get well soon,  soldier. 
          Get well,  soldat. 
          
          Indeed Allah is with you. 
          
           أَللَّهُمَّ صَلِّ عَلَى سَيِّدِنَا مُحَمَّدٍ طِبِّ الْقُلُوْبِ وَدَوَائِهَا وَعَافِيَةِ الأَبْدَانِ وَشِفَائِهَا وَنُوْرِ الأَبْصَارِ وَضِيَائِهَا وَعَلَى آَلِهِ وَصَحْبِهِ وَسَلِّمْ

I hope you know,  that this is me trying. 
          
          I hope you know I tried.  
          
          I really do. 
          
          I'm sorry I fall
          
          I don't have the luxury to buy a new wings right now. 

In another life
          I would be your girl
          We'd keep all our promises
          Be us against the world
          In another life
          I would make you stay
          So I don't have to say you were
          The one that got away
          .