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time check. 2:54 am. 7th if February 2025.
          
          it's done. Finals are done. I graduated. 2 months of exams (not every single day though just 2 months of finals with like 50 subjects which i only take 9 subjects) is over. WEEKS of crying, sleepless nights, migraines, literally blood AND puking cus i took way too much caffeine and gastric cus i only eat once a day during those weeks are now over. 4 months of idk what now lol. 
          
          I had several mental breakdowns and almost gave up during my exams cus the questions were SO UNEXPECTED like even if u memories every single words in the textbooks or learning materials there's no way u won't get twisted by the questions cus it's out of this world istgggg. LIKE FOR EXAMPLE MY LAST SUBJECT WHICH WAS GEOGRAPHY THE HOT CHAPTER WHICH WERE ALWAYS ASKED DURING ANY EXAMS DIDN'T COME OUT IN THE EXAM LIKE HELLO??? (My finals were national so basically the whole country went through it at the same time) i was devastated cus i focused on that chapter A LOT cus it's literally like a mandatory question every year..
          
          But really, i don't wanna think about it anymore cus ik if i do I'll probably have another breakdown and i just wanna feel proud for surviving this :|
          
          Anyway, it's over. And i did it. I pray, that all my hard work will be paid off and even more. I pray, that I'll get the best result and it's the result that i really, really want (straight A+s) and pass with flying colours. I pray, that i can make my whole family proud and become successful so i can share my success with others. Aminn.

finals (the literally final of them all where I'll graduate after) is in 2 DAYS. And I've been procrastinating ever since trials ended. I'm so scared cus everyone around me has high hopes for me but all I've ever done was procrastinate. Mostly im scared of history and math cus those papers are next to each other (Tuesday and Wednesday) and i haven't started with history yet (the thing is i NEVER learn history this year. Not even once. Cus that's how much i hate it. The regret is crawling inside of me cus now i have 20 chapters to read and memories..) 
          
          All i can say is i hope I'll find myself learning as much as i can. I know it's too late, but it's not the end yet. I'll try to use whatever i can now to help me fix myself. 
          
          Finals end on 6/2 2025 so it's a long journey. But i hope there's a happy ending for me in this journey.

so like hi
          
          my trial starts like 2 weeks ago and it's still going for another week so basically a whole month of exam but rn im on a break cus i don't take every single subject available alr i only take 9 subjects 
          
          and wtf happened what the actual fck cus like am i fcked 
          
          chat i think im cooked on trial
          
          i pulled all nighter for ALL of my subjects (so far I've finished 5 so 4 more to go) but like literally all nighter no sleep and eat once a day (during lunch break at school) and SWALLOW LOTS OF COFFEE cus i need those energy and caffeine to stay awake but rn i think my body is rejecting the caffeine cus it doesn't work anymore i feel sleepy even with 5 cups of coffee non stop
          
          i did took naps for like 2 hours after each subject but i don't think i should cus I won't have enough time to study
          
          im going crazy, like really.

i fking hate history why do i have to learn about the past and world of politics and war why can't the world just be sunshine and rainbows (im kidding) (not about the hating of history tho)
          
          i pulled an all nighter to remember histories about how countries are form, world wars, presidents, politics, all those stuffs about the family tree of the big guys
          
          and still left like 5 questions empty ...
          
          2 hours and a half are not enough to write NINE essays and answer TWENTY general knowledge questions AND 40 OBJECTIVE QUESTIONS 
          
          ion know if I'll survive this one lol
          
          i might become a history after this /hj

MIDTERMS START TOMORROW I'M STRESSING OUT 
          
          last midterm and a couple months before trials and finals.
          
          im losing it there's only like 3 months in between the exams and i have to finish like 20+ syllabus for each subject i took ( 9 ... )
          
          im scared.

how did everything get so bad ?

i have this cat called cici, she's such an obedient cat and never caused any trouble. She gave birth once when she was younger, her children didn't survive because they were premature and she doesn't have any idea of how to take care of them.
          
          But some months ago, she gave birth to Jerry. Like literally gave birth infront of me lol. And she was a great mom. She took care of Jerry nicely and never left her side unless we're in the same room with Jerry. She also took care of her sister's children. Like she's their second mother. They loved her. 
          
          Today my dad got a call from our security guard saying that cici is dead. Attacked by dogs. I fucking hate dogs.
          
          And worse of all, her only child, Jerry, was also attacked and now both of them are gone. Dead. Their necks got bite marks on it and the dogs are around my area probably looking for more victims. I hate them.
          
          Jerry was probably looking for her mother and was attacked too. I hate thinking about it. Jerry was a nice cat. So humble like her mother. If i give them treats, she'll let other eat first and never put up a fight if her treat got eaten by her cousins.
          
          I'll miss them both a lot. Cici doesn't deserve this at all. I'm sorry.

sometimes i wonder why do i get attached to cats (and people tbh) so easily to the point that i feel like i can't breathe when they're gone.
          
          sometimes i wonder why can't i just hate cats and be allergic to them so I won't feel so bad when they're dead.
          
          sometimes i wonder how unhappy my cats must've been when i don't give them the love they deserve.
          
          sometimes i wonder why my cats don't just run away and never come back again because of how bad i treated them.
          
          sometimes i wonder if i give them enough pets and love.
          
          just sometimes.

i feel so bad for my lil brother because rn we're in a vacation outside of the country alright, and it's his birthday today, he was excited to be having his birthday celebration in another country but guess what ..
          
          he got nothing for his birthday, like not even a flick of a candle, a slice of a cake, birthday gifts (ofc he got some birthday wishes) and i saw how excited he was to actually get the opportunity to celebrate his birthday outside of the country
          
          it's all because our parents and some of my relatives wanted to go shopping and we spent the whole day trailing them from one shop to another and we were soooo tired cus there's nothing interesting. Honestly I'll be disappointed too if it's my birthday and nothing happened. Like my normal day is more cheerful than my birthday ykwim. We were so worn out today from all the trailing the “real adults” that we didn't get to do anything else.
          
          they're wasting our time and they dare to say that “you guys shouldn't actually come with us to this trip if all u do is whine” like bro i almost faint following them around while their eyes sparkles looking at all those clothes that we could get back at home and cheaper ...
          
          the point is i feel like that's the reason my lil brother doesn't really want to open up to our parents, they made him feel like his feelings aren't valid and that his emotions aren't acceptable. They made him feel like he's asking for too much and that he doesn't deserve what he actually wants. I know this because I've been in his situation and it honestly is so disappointing from my own parents. I've been disappointed in them way more than I've done to them. And it's the worst feeling ever. I hope my brother is okay.

it's actually my ex's crush(?) or idk situationship birthday today and it took me back to last year where i stayed up to wish him exactly at 12 am and man how i miss him. And the memories we made.
          
          i actually for once really like someone and he actually really likes, well liked me, and i messed it up. 
          
          he wasn't my first anything but i was his first everything. And i stopped talking to him cus i was so blinded by other relationships. I MEAN i saw couples that buys luxury for their other ones and bring them out and all that stuff and i got jealous (?) i was thinking that maybe he doesn't want to do that. Maybe, he thinks that all that stuff is a waste of time. But i saw how he tried to do his best for me. And i regret ending everything tbh.
          
          i was too focus on other things (especially my studies tho) to not see that i actually meant a lot to him. I saw how he tried to fix things and communicate with me (he thought i was mad at him) and how he tried to approached me (he's VERY introvert) and i just shrugged him off. I acted like he didn't exist which must've hurt. 
          
          im thinking maybe i actually did love him.
          
          I'M THE PROBLEM