jaaaatghh

Hey （╯°□°）╯︵(\ .o.)\

It's literally invasion of the dog in my bed right now. 
          
          When I went to bed I put her on her blanket at the end of the bed. I can feel her crawling towards my head alongside my body every 10 minutes or so but, every time I look towards her she pretends to be asleep.
          
          Let's hope she doesn't fart in my face.

hi

it only makes it harder for me because i want to believe them but what i feel for you is too strong to simply disappear. and it's been this long, you're still in between the mess in my ribs, nothing's changed. the love i've had remains there, along with the pain and the memories and the planned out future we had but that won't happen and each day, i have to put on a mask that's simply filled with lies and broken promises so my friends won't have to worry for me and my health because each day, i tell myself that i'll be fine, that it'll be fine but i'm not exactly excited for what each morning brings, and i don't exactly put much effort into living because i wouldn't mind just dying off. but that's something no one wants to hear, so it's best to keep to one self because everyone else has much important things to worry about but you ? i was willing to do anything you'd ask of me and that's such a pathetic thing to say but the fact that i'll never be able to love another human this way is upsetting because i know my worth and i know i could do better and give someone else all the affection you'd always reject but i still can't bring myself to shut you out of my life because at one point, it was our instead of i and at one point, it was we instead of her. and i wish i knew the secret you use to move on from this all without hurting this badly because i think i'm doing something wrong from how nothing has been working. but maybe your secret is using her as a distraction from this all. and maybe, maybe, soon i'll actually be able to move on and forget completely about this broken home you and i left unfixed. of the home you abandoned and i, oh, so cherished. i truly only ever wanted what was best for you and your happiness was everything to me, it just disappoints me to fully know that i wasn't able to be what you wanted or needed. and i don't blame you, i'm not exactly what you'd call a loveable person but somehow, you managed to make me love things i hated about myself.

you make me want to scream. you make me want to rip out my hair in such frustration; one could consider to be extremely unhealthy. and i could angrily spat at you as you do the same but the thing is, i wouldn't like to argue with anyone else. we could argue forever and i wouldn't mind because it'd be with you. and after so long and after absolutely everything, i thought i'd be over you at this point in time but i'm so not. and no one fully understands how much my chest aches and hurt at just the mention of your name. even the silhouette of you drives me insane. and yes, at times i can't stand you but i still love you as much as i did in the beginning. and there's been so many times where i have restrained myself from speaking to you, from telling you how much this actually really hurts, how your name replays in my head like my favourite song. but there have been so many times where i have always wanted to tell you to come home because i'm so terribly homesick and there's times where i wish i could get you out of my head because it's somewhere you happen to live. but i restrained myself from telling you so because deep down, i knew it was going to end this way and i wasn't exactly enough to stop it from happening so i let my anger flare instead. anger directed at myself. for letting you go, for not telling you to stay because i couldn't live without you. but you already knew that, didn't you ? three years have passed by and there's nights where i still cry for you because i'm missing a part of me and you don't understand how much i want it back because the pain it left is so unbearable. the festering wound in this heart refuses to disappear. so i'll just sit here, regretting all the times i could've made you stay. and so many people have told me that the pain will disappear soon, that you'll disappear from my mind and my heart, no longer being a memory but just a peck of dust. of what once was, of what could've been.

I feel bad for pushing people away and then those people come back and I push even harder , not because I really don't want them in my life , but more as a punishment to myself as something I deserve. That then becomes something I regret but will have to deal with , and I always wonder if those people I did it to ever noticed the inconsistencies of my lies when doing this. 
          
          {I feel like I tend to over-share things when it's late and I'm on a site where no one really ever knows me in real life}

hey so just wanted to say thanks for being a good friend these past few years
          
          catch you when you visit america, and or i go to the Netherlands
          
          adios jackson

Okay so,
          I don't think I'm suicidal but I don't really want to put any effort into living?
          Like, I don't feel like I wanna die but at the same time I don't really care about what tomorrow might bring? Like not really feeling to find out? 
          I don't really feel like I have any reason to feel to like actually live. This is so weird but that's literally what's been going to my mind for months now.

 luscious hair omg

I feel very lonely lately