I was overthinking these past few nights and ended up thinking if do I really want to be a psychologist. I don't even think I deserve to graduate this year. I'm not the student that used to study hard before, I keep relying on someone else. My teacher called me yesterday in class saying "This girl is in top 10, can you answer this problem." I was so disappointed to myself. I know I don't really do maths, but unlike before, I am trying to learn it. And that little moments were my keys to gain big knowledge. I lost interests to my favorite subs, I can't participate well in class. I can't cooperate in groupworks, my anxiety went up so bad. If I can, I wouldn't entertain a single person. And the only thing that keeps me away from stress is editing videos, but I think it only kept me more away from studying really hard. It only made me more frustrated knowing this. Realizing what path I chose this shs, I don't even know if I'll make it. The only thing what keeps me going is because, I have to do this. I wanna cry so bad the time my mother and I talked abt what dream I wanted. I told her I wanna be a doctor. It was the first time I told her that and she answered with "Medicine is too long, you can choose nursing first. We don't even know if I'm still alive by the time you graduate med, it takes 4-10 years, unlike nursing." The words she told me specially when she said, 'We don't even know if I'm still alive by the time you graduate.' made a great impact to me.
