jay_cvmmm

i don’t associate with the version of me that used to actually be active on this retched app

jay_cvmmm

this message may be offensive 
it’s been a while, but it’s back.
          it always comes back.
          i know this but still every time it comes i’m surprised like i magically healed or something.
          it’s like watching tv.
          while i’m happy or normal or whatever it is when i don’t feel like this.
          it’s in 3rd person, like i’m watching myself live through a screen.
          and then everything gets really weird when i begin to see out of my own eyes. like i don’t know how to act, nothing feels right, correct. so i have to wait it out until i can see normally again.
          and then when i get into these episodes it’s always through my eyes and somehow i think it makes it worse. it reminds me everything is real, it’s actually happening and not a figment of my imagination or a dream. it’s fucking real. and i can’t change the details because i know what happened, i can’t pretend i messed up a detail because i’m seeing it with my own eyes and not through someone else’s.
          and something inside of me hates that. it can’t stand the thought of not having control over that situation and what to believe or what not to believe. it knows it can’t don’t anything. it knows it’s vulnerable. and being vulnerable is what scares it the most.
          it’s what scares me  the most…