💕

mood tonight: drizzling rain borderline rain storm xx
          
          deffo having a degree crisis as i always do but im finally at a point like i really wanna do what ive always wanted to do.. work with kids, either teaching or nursery like forget parental and family pressure .. like i love healthcare but it was never my first choice. 
          
          why borderline rain storm?you may ask... oh simply because i  relasped and im waiting for the waterworks to kick in... that mishap wasbecause of the crisis im in and i can already feel the failure symptoms of my people pleasure self and i felt overwhelmed... (i was and am tryna work on that)
          
          soundtrack to my breakdown:
          glee cover of wide awake
          bags by clairo
          every seungmin cover of a sad song
          glee cover of a thousand years
          marilag by dionela
          astro we still
          skz winter falls, lovestay and neverending story
          5sos ghost of you
          goo goo dolls - iris (specifically the live performance in the rain xx)
          dangerous by madison beer

I think I just realised I have the best music taste when I’m the most depressed and tryna gaslight myself that my depression ain’t all that .....

Hi! Thanks for the follow ^-^♪⁠♪ 
          It's a little strange seeing your latest post is about leaving since we just met. Is it possible you're comfortable with staying a little longer?

I’m sort of trying to mellow myself out I think but I’m still planning on atleast leaving and not coming back

I’ve already started my clean up ig I genuinely feel like i should just go… I don’t exactly have a happy place that I can go to but my plan is just to walk so far randomly that I won’t be found and just never come back … I’m only on here to read lol I guess ..
          
          I haven’t cried or anything which idk is that weird? Regardless … bye .. maybe

I don’t even want to cry no more I was thinking about relapsing sh wise but I just think that kms would be so much better… just leave my house and never come back idec it’s not like the people I love with and have to call “family” would care I’m just a nuisance in their lives all I do is embarrass them as parents and make them hate me as a “sibling” I should just leave I’m gonna start by taking down everything on my wall and then I’ll leave maybe a message for my boyfriend I feel like if I leave I should atleast leave him something so that he knows it was nothing to do with him right? He’s the one person I care about the most …

Now if I say I really reallyyyy beyond means want to kms cus I’m tired of pretending and tired of being here rn but also feel like I’m pushing out of life if I do so but also definitely really want to kms and I’m tired of doing it slowly because I absolutely hate it here and definitely want to kms today … would that be crazy?

Relapse day one, I say this more in the sense that it’s been so long clean I can’t remember but now I’m saying this mid breakdown so that I don’t do more, I can’t garentee but this is my accountability post..

I’m not in the gen pop tiktok space like that like everrr that’s not what my fyp is until today … idk about y’all but I’m a video essay/ commentary video YouTube girly so today my fyp decided to bring Kayla (she was having a dv court case against her ex and was posting about how surreal it feels having to see the dumbass face to face in court and watch him get arrested and sent into jail in live time) BASICALLY it triggered me and reminded me of when I had to sit damn near next to and look into the eye and feel the stares of the mf who could of killed me and my little brother for what I’m pretty sure was/felt like ATLEAST 3 HOURS  and I just needed to rant because I never thought I’d be triggered to think about it ever again and honestly that was the cause of my major mental breakdown last year hence why I’m not at uni rn ‍♀️

im always talking to myself anyways......
          
           i dont know how to feel about the fact that my will to not be here anymore is decreasing by the fact that as much as I feel irrelevant in people's lives being a reason i want to finally disappear from the world.... o;ve finally made friends that actually like me for me, I've made an online from here .. i now feel like I've met too many people that i'd disappoint more if i le..ave, which is the only reason I'm still here tbh.. but what if i just leave for good... wouldthey actually be sad? idk and I'll never know.. i don't want to be this sad or depressed especially because i don think compared to others i have the right to be but here i am again being stupid and selfish... just a thought ig.