jinniessupernova

Relapse day one, I say this more in the sense that it’s been so long clean I can’t remember but now I’m saying this mid breakdown so that I don’t do more, I can’t garentee but this is my accountability post..

LesbeanSimp666

@jinniessupernova you were strong once and you can be strong again, its like tolerance, you need to keep trying to build it up
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jinniessupernova

@Zesty_Artist thank you angel, I love you too <3333
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Zesty_Artist

@jinniessupernova oh ml I’m so proud of you you were so strong for so long and that’s something to be proud of, it will get better even if it takes a while, never forget that. I love you <3333
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jinniessupernova

Relapse day one, I say this more in the sense that it’s been so long clean I can’t remember but now I’m saying this mid breakdown so that I don’t do more, I can’t garentee but this is my accountability post..

LesbeanSimp666

@jinniessupernova you were strong once and you can be strong again, its like tolerance, you need to keep trying to build it up
• Reply

jinniessupernova

@Zesty_Artist thank you angel, I love you too <3333
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Zesty_Artist

@jinniessupernova oh ml I’m so proud of you you were so strong for so long and that’s something to be proud of, it will get better even if it takes a while, never forget that. I love you <3333
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jinniessupernova

this message may be offensive 
I’m not in the gen pop tiktok space like that like everrr that’s not what my fyp is until today … idk about y’all but I’m a video essay/ commentary video YouTube girly so today my fyp decided to bring Kayla (she was having a dv court case against her ex and was posting about how surreal it feels having to see the dumbass face to face in court and watch him get arrested and sent into jail in live time) BASICALLY it triggered me and reminded me of when I had to sit damn near next to and look into the eye and feel the stares of the mf who could of killed me and my little brother for what I’m pretty sure was/felt like ATLEAST 3 HOURS  and I just needed to rant because I never thought I’d be triggered to think about it ever again and honestly that was the cause of my major mental breakdown last year hence why I’m not at uni rn ‍♀️

jinniessupernova

im always talking to myself anyways......
          
           i dont know how to feel about the fact that my will to not be here anymore is decreasing by the fact that as much as I feel irrelevant in people's lives being a reason i want to finally disappear from the world.... o;ve finally made friends that actually like me for me, I've made an online from here .. i now feel like I've met too many people that i'd disappoint more if i le..ave, which is the only reason I'm still here tbh.. but what if i just leave for good... wouldthey actually be sad? idk and I'll never know.. i don't want to be this sad or depressed especially because i don think compared to others i have the right to be but here i am again being stupid and selfish... just a thought ig.

cl0udy_dream

@jinniessupernova hey! i’m glad you’re still here (: 
            
            you don’t have to worry about not replying, it wasn’t rude at all. focusing on yourself is much more important than replying to me! 
            
            journaling is a great way to get emotions out, so no worries at all that you didn’t talk to anyone about your feelings. sometimes there are things you just don’t want to share with others and that’s okay. 
            
            i’m sorry it made you cry lol but i’m glad they were appreciated! it was no problem at all (:
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jinniessupernova

@cl0udy_dream I’m sorry for not replying for so long… I feel like that was really rude of me when you’re words were really helpful.. 
            if I’m being honest I didn’t talk to anyone about my feelings but I did journal I think that day, I don’t remember too much but things did get a bit better and I haven’t felt like that since. and honestly you’re response did make me cry but I’m still grateful for your kind words hun :) thank you so much
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cl0udy_dream

i’m glad you have friends and people to talk to <3 your feelings are valid, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for having them. talk to your friends about how you’re feeling hun. they will be there for you, it’s what friends are for. 
            
            i’m sure if you left you would leave a hole in their lives. you shouldn’t doubt that. if the only reason you’re staying is because you don’t want to disappoint people, then that’s enough for now. it’s still a reason (: 
            
            things will get better <3 and you can message me any time (:
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jinniessupernova

I am indeed cross faded rn but I also got to FaceTime my boyfriend so it was a very good day :) but now I miss everyone again already and I don’t know when I’ll see them again which always has me scared because I always fear they’ll get bored of me from not seeing me so often but then I get proven wrong everytime I do see them outside and then the cycle repeats everytime and now I’m sad ☹️

jinniessupernova

So I was finally social today and it 1. Reminded me why I should leave my house to see my friends more 2.made me remember one of the reasons I don’t go out (especially cus I finally saw my good friend who moved to wales for the first ever since he just up and left without a proper goodbye :( ) - once I get home I already feel nostalgic over seeing everyone again…. I hate it here plus I left my charger in cov ☹️

jinniessupernova

I’m so sad rn, I really hate it in this house… I just wish I could leave but I’ve never had a job, I’m currently on a year break from my uni, my job applications keep falling flat, I really miss my last placement ward they felt like my found family, I just want to be back in a hospital setting again it’s where I feel like I’m at my best doing what I love … 
          
          Yet me being so stupid keeps holding me back from being able to do that as a full time profession, I feel like a true failure .. 
          
          I’m honestly just so appreciative of my friend from here and my boyfriend for being my main reasons for still being here. Yes I have my best friend but I’ve been such a bad friend and so distant I don’t wouldn’t blame her for leaving..
          
          I’m well and truly just tryna distract myself from doing a bad thing again when I know I’ve been clean for idk how long… 
          Sorry to whoever cares to read this. Bye. Sorry again.