I could've studied but I didn't, I could've read, written, watched, done anything of a profit or benefit but I didn't. I've been lying down on my bed for three hours, the lyrics of landslide are rolling in my head like a broken record.
Well I've been afraid of changing because I've built my life around you.
This is how it felt like when I slept in another city for the first time after I moved out, realizing how there was no going back and how ill never be living in the same house with my family ever again. This is how it felt like to realize my siblings will continue to grow without me there to notice it, how many little things I'm gonna miss and never even know about. How the long talks with my dad felt when they turned into superficial conversations because there's no time to speak more and with us living so far away there's barely anything in common between us. It's how it felt like knowing I'm no longer my baby brother's best friend and that my shared bedroom with my little sister had been upgraded to being hers with omar crashing in occasionally. It's how it felt like to never be able to spend time with the one I've known since birth, my older brother.
It's everything I've left behind.
It's me not being able to let go of my first love after years, not because I don't want to miss it, not because I still hold some hope for it and not because i want to but because of how familiar it is and how nostalgic everything about it was. Maybe because I don't know how to start something else once I put an end to it. Maybe because I'm unable to put an end and start anything at all. Maybe because I'm fixated. I'm always fixated on the past. On everything and everyone I've ever loved in it.
Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder,
Even children get older
And I'm...getting older too
