Sixx Pack

I’ve been going through a spiritual journey these past 6 months, and it has really changed my thoughts, and perceptions. 
          
          I have been dealing with an identity crisis because my boyfriend doesn’t accept me, for me. It’s left me unhappy, suffocated, and wanting out. He doesn’t like me doing anything without him. Waking up, showering, going out with people are things I have to do with him. He would have me rub his back, take his socks off, cut his hair, pick his clothes out, make him food all the time, wash his laundry, all while he will sit there and do nothing. I take the trash out, take care of the animals, work, buy everything, and just do everything. I feel like I’m more of a mom, than a partner.
          
          I want to escape it all. I’m being left in a void where I’m not able to spread my wings and learn who I am without someone. I’ve never been alone and need to learn. I’m falling for contentment, I want partnership. I want love, happiness, and peace. Not fear, sadness, and anxiety. That’s what he brings me. Fear. Sadness. Anxiety. 
          
          I want to have my own place, be in my house, and run my own schedule. I want to experience things that I haven’t, that I couldn’t. I’m not in love with him because I am with fear in it of when he will let his anger take over. I want to know what I’m missing in life to be happy. 

Listen...
          
          Listen when he talks to you, actually listen. Hear what he has to say. Write it down as a reminder, if you need to. But remember, if you have to write it.. you don’t care or agree. You need to understand what he says because it will help you guys. You want it to last, do it! It will help more than you realize right now. When he says not to do something, he’s not trying to scold you like a child. He is trying to help you realize something you’re too blind to realize on your own. 
          
          When he says don’t go because something will happen, don’t. Not because he is trying to control you. He knows correctly. When he said something about a guy, pay close attention because he is a guy. When he wants you to change something, it’s because it’s toxic, negative, and needs to be changed for the better. 

Update... I’m still alive. I’m stronger now, no longer self harming. I found a new outlet... no longer writing and drawing which is a shame; however, I am exploring spiritually. 

I feel like he’s getting tired of me... we’re always fighting, I just have a feeling that I’m pushing him away because I’ve been super clingy... I feel like I have more feelings For him than he does for me these days.... I feel like he’s slipping through my fingers and I can’t grasp him.... I am so scared, I cry myself to sleep... idk what to do, I have no one to talk to. I can’t talk to him because I’m scared he is losing feelings for me... I’m always crying.... just I need someone to talk to... 

I’m a bad girlfriend, I am still stuck on how I’ve been treated in the past. I’m terrified I’ll push him to the limit and make him give up on me... I love him with all my heart and I think I’m just ruining our relationship... I’m ruining his birthday because I keep letting my anxiety and depression get in the way. I’ve became so used to hearing from him daily on the phone and sleeping on the phone. Last night I didn’t sleep because his friends were over. My mom told me last night that if he cheated on me she wouldn’t blame him and I didn’t have a right to get mad at him because I’ve done it to him so many times. I don’t have a right to get mad but it’ll still hurt like all the times I have him the same pain... I started this WattPad to log all the happy journals and events that’s occurred with me and him but it just turned to all the times I’ve cried for hurting him or my depression... I want him to trust me and him have fun but he has friends who’s fucked him out of shit, almost killed him, and others that don’t like me whatsoever and would gladly be okay with him cheating on me because I deserve it. I’m in so much pain because I cause him pain and it isn’t worth it. I don’t deserve a good guy like him... he is such a great and amazing guy but I can’t seem to let go of how my past has a hold on me ... when I see him and hear from him all the pain goes away, when he’s gone it amplifies and I just want to scream and cry but I don’t want to ruin us... I love him and I don’t want anything bad to happen...
          It’s his fucking birthday and I can’t talk to him nor apparently have fun because i keep blowing up his phone... like I quit my job to have more time for him because I just kept getting more depressed... I’m just waiting to move Down there so I can have fun with him too... I’m so scared I’ll just lose him.... I’m a crazy insecure girlfriend and I don’t know how to deal with things.... I’m so broken, I just hurt people because of it....

I’m sorry for being a bad girlfriend, I don’t know how to listen and change for the better, I’ve cheated yes but I stopped. I don’t talk to people unless they talk to me first. I don’t smile unless I’m with him or talking to him. My man is all that I have and I broke him. I’ve hurt the one thing I love and care about more than anything. 
          
          Hurting isn’t my intention, making him have break downs make me feel horrible. I regret the past, the negative part, not the great things because of him. Negative things like cheating, lying for stupid reasons, not taking consideration for his feelings when he’s hurt or bothered, arguments when I’ve done stuff. 
          
          Everyone, everything that caused him pain is my fault. I would usually say I deserve to die but I deserve to feel this pain because it doesn’t come close to what I caused him. I hate myself for everything I’ve put him through, I’ve changed him and he doesn’t even recognize himself or sleep. He don’t eat, sleep, or find excitement from things he used to. I’ve hurt him so bad that I’ve made him feel some sort of the pain I felt in my past that it is harming our future with each other. 
          
          I’m terrified for the outcome of all the bad expoding at once, I’m terrified to lose him, terrified that I wasted his time, terrified that I will screw it up more. I’m trying so hard to stay calm and not worry, that just ends into me not talking to him because I don’t want to ruin anything anymore. 
          
          I’m a terrible terrified girlfriend. I messed up in the past and I want to make it up to you and fix it up I don’t know how. I’m working slowly to get somewhere which gives me set backs because I fall down and fail. I’m trying... please just be patient honey....

Night 2, Drunk. 
          She’s too messed up to understand what’s going on or to even speak. I’ve been up for 3 hours now and I’m not getting anywhere. I watched my stepdad change her into pajamas and put her into bed. Out like a light, snoring. 3 left awake, reminding each other she needs to slow down. This past year has been her drinking more and more each day until she passes out.... it scares me.... she snaps at everyone but in reality we both know she wanted to end it years ago. “She has a lot on her plate”, “she’s going through a lot”, “she’s just worrying.” It’s all I hear, but honestly, so am I. I have to worry if I can get a car for transportation for work and school, graduating, moving and becoming an adult, classes for senior year, scholarships, and college to go to. But the minor things are; do I eat with my family, has my brother ate, am I going to skip tonight again for him to eat, why is it my fault for asking a question? They don’t see it; I see pain, suffrage, fear, and depression. They see an Alcoholic. They see she drinks too much and can’t limit herself because she begins to not function. This is my mom and I’m scared for her.... 

There’s been days I’ve felt like writing but I couldn’t place the words together. This weekend was a disaster. He and I argued because of my snapping from being frustrated and I took it out on him... I hate when I’m in that mood because I don’t think, everything just comes out and it always sounds bitchy... but then last night we talked and I told him the truth behind our date of meeting it was amazing. Weight was lifted, but I feel like that changed us a little... I don’t know in what way just yet... then today I snapped again and it hasn’t been an easy day... I want to change the mood in the atmosphere.... I just don’t know how.... I’m not home, he don’t want to talk about it until tomorrow.... I’m scared that I’ll lose him more, I’m scared that I’ll lose him and there isn’t a way I’d be able to get him back. 
          
          I’m trapped in my thoughts.... I’m trapped in my fears....

I wanna know all about your past. I know it's difficult. I know you don't want to think about it. But you telling me about your past let's me know you trust me with it. Knowing your secrets, helps me care about you more. I want to spend my future with you, your past, it is the past. I love you and I love you opening up to me. I understand it's a touchy subject and it's emotional but we can get through the talk and connect more. I know we are from different backgrounds and lived different lives but our love for one another is what keeps us together. 
          
          I love you, my heart beats for you. I wouldn't be able to go back to a life with no true love or no happiness. I wouldn't be able to go back to a life with out you. I can't wait to wake up in your arms, see you in our place everyday, our kids running around, growing old together, I cannot wait for our memories to come. 
          
          You're in front of me now and I look at you and I can't stop smiling. I see you and your brown eyes and it's all I want to see, I want to hear your heart beat as we cuddle. I only want my heart to belong to you, it will be. There will be no more hurt, no more sad tears, no more pain. Only love, happy tears, memories, and being together as a family. I love you so much my love. Thank you for being in my life forever and ever. ❤️❤️❤️