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in old greece there were two ways of thinking about time
          one is kronos, and one is kairos

once i wanted to be the greatest
          no wind or waterfall could stall me
          and then came the rush of the flood
          stars at night turned deep to (gold)

uzunca bir süre kimse konuşmadı. hepimiz dante’nin gördüğü şeyi görmek istiyorduk. çölün ortasında dante’nin teleskobunun etrafında sessizce durup gökyüzünün tüm içeriğini görebilmek için sıramızı bekledik. ben teleskopla bakarken dante neye baktığımı açıklamaya başladı. tek kelimesini duymadım. engin evrene bakarken içimde bir şey oldu. teleskoptan görünen evren hayal ettiğimden çok daha yakın ve genişti. ve her şey o kadar güzel ve haşmetliydi ki...nasıl anlatsam, sanki içimdeki bir şeyin önemini fark ettirmişti. dante benim teleskopla gökyüzünü incelememi seyrederken, "günün birinde evrenin tüm sırlarını keşfedeceğim," diye fısıldadı. bu beni gülümsetti. "onca sırla ne yapacaksın, dante?" "ne yapacağımı bulurum," dedi. "belki dünyayı değiştiririm." ona inandım. dante quintana şimdiye dek tanıştığım, böyle bir şey söyleyebilecek tek insandı. büyüyüp de "kız dediğin ağaca benzer" gibi aptalca şeyler söylemeyeceğini biliyordum. 
          
          o gece evinin arka bahçesinde yattık.
          
          pencere açık olduğundan annesiyle babasının mutfaktaki konuşmalarını duyabiliyorduk. annesi ispanyolca konuşuyordu, babası ingilizce.
          "öyle yapıyorlar bazen," dedi.
          "benimkiler de," dedim.
          pek konuşmadık. öylece uzanıp yıldızlara baktık.
          "ışık kirliliği çok," dedi.
          "ışık kirliliği çok," dedim.
          

we have come very far, enduring many hardships. but at last, we found a place where we can be safe. together. at the other end of the ocean.

iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. you, i can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend

"i have this problem,” he mumbled. "i was allways thinking that to get married would be nice. kids. all of that, someday. but...this problem will not go away.”
          shane bit his lip. “tell me about this problem.”
          
          “it's so annoying.” ilya sighed, and shane could see him fighting a grin. "i cannot stop thinking about this fucking hockey player with these stupid freckles and a weak backhand.”
          “a weak backhand?” shane couldn’t stop smiling.
          “yes. and he is just so boring and he drives a terrible car and...that is my problem. all of these beautiful women and i am always wishing they were him.”
          ilya bent to take his third shot. “this is a terrible problem.”
          
          fuck.
          
          shane was going start crying right here in his games room. He swallowed and steadied himself. “do you want the problem to go away?”
          
          “no,” Ilya said seriously, looking Shane dead in the eye. “i do not want the problem to ever, go away.”

"just by holding his hand i can feel his emotions, that smug superiority, possesiviness and a sudden glimpse of tenderness, of hopeful expectation."
          
          "you sound like you're in love."
          
          "dont be stupid, thats ridiculous."

i have to believe in a world outside my own mind. i have to believe that my actions still have meaning, even if i can't remember them. i have to believe that when my eyes are closed, the world's still there. do i believe the world's still there?
          
          is it still out there?
          
          we all need mirrors to remind ourselves who we are. i'm no different.

and i remember at the end, he said, 'one day, when it's time for him to go, he'll go. you won't be able to help it. prepare yourself, it'll be hard. but it won't be the end of your life.' he meant himself. now... now i know he meant himself.

do you believe in love at first sight? nah, i beth you don't, you're probably too sensible for that. or have you ever, like, seen somebody, and you knew that, if only that person really knew you they would of course dump the perfect model that they were with, and realize that you were the one that they wanted to, just, grow old with? have you ever fallen in love with someone you haven't even talked to? have you ever been so alone you spend the night confusing a man in a coma?