jupiter

this website if fucking shit

i want to be beautiful. 
          your voice is strong and harp-like and you talk and people listen
          the curve of your shoulders and your hair 
          it falls in arcs and loops and drapes in veils of black and white bleach
          you fit in your clothes where i dont
          sleeves tight and too big and too bulky
          people flit around you in class and you're like the candle to my dull darkness.
          you don't even know my name
          who knows the air cast in shadow around them. boring and invisible

i'm tired and my bones are puddles on the floor
          i want to burn everything i've ever written
          if only i had the energy

my bullshit 
          i'm screaming into the void. less screaming, more like crying
          i'm too tough to cry.
          my mom was crying yesterday and i froze so i guess i really am emotionally stupid. i wanted to disappear i knew i didn't know how to help her

there's a poet i found on tumblr and pinterest. something keaton.
          angels and sin and god and 
          i am not a poet.
          jealousy and envy and meanness are sins i've committed and
          will never be able to absolve. repenting is not something i can do
          it's too late isn't it

two days ago i was car-window-glass. foggy and blurred.
          streetlights glowed like angels and stars against the grainy black sky velvet
          i feel empty now like i did then. words are forced and faked
          plastic like something that i can't remember
          my words have dried up again and all thats left is:
           cake-y mud, cracked and dry

it's weird now that i've moved to ao3 i can see that wattpad the website is complete dogshit

mediocre. i am mediocre and i made myself this way. brick by brick i beat myself into this grayness

i've settled for mediocracy because i know i'll never be better. i'll never be more than average. i'll never be wonderful like that.

fuck me why am i horny but also like if i saw a cock i would cry