𝘔.

this month, two years ago, Maddie received her secondary cancer diagnosis, the one that ultimately made her slip into the slumber she never woke up from.
          
          It's hard to even accept that she is really not two doors down from me, listening to why don't we (because she loved those boys so much) and eating nutella while cuddling up to our Axel (her favorite and most loved baby).
          
          It's impossible to think that i would have an 18 year old sister (she would've turned 19 this year.)  probably having the time of her life in Italy, attending Uni, doing her own thing and telling me not to text her every 5 minutes like her twin does.
          
          i had 16 years (never ever enough.) of memories with my girl, and yet, all i think of when Maddie crosses my mind, is those last few weeks in Florence, as all of us sat around her bed, watching as cancer (fucking vile monster) stole our daughter, sister, niece and auntie from us in a horrible and quick decline while we had many more trips planned and the "3 or 5 months" the doctors said she would have once she stopped treatment turned to a few days.
          
          "Is this monster all we will ever know?" she asked while she underwent the toxic treatment that was her only option right after getting told there was even more disease this time around (she had been NED for 1 week.) (we were planning to ring the bell just a day after she got told she wasn't anymore).
          
          I miss you twin flame.
          
          gosh i miss you.
          
          you wouldve loved this life im living, you wouldve loved Cosmo and Ceres.
          
           I hope that in another thousand life's, all of us get to be siblings again.

Happy 18th birthday to our dear and sweetest Maddie.
          
          My favorite memory with her was when we got lost in Doncaster after deciding to explore for a while,we did that quite a lot.
          
          Fuck cancer.

I miss you so much.
          
          It’s not fair.

we didn’t know each other well but i will always wish we did. i miss seeing your comments and giggling over plots with you
          
          rest in peace ♥️ 

I love your little shrine account,I love and miss you so much.
          
          From the moment I started dating your brother to your last days we were inseparable,you were the little sister I never had and you unknowingly healed my heart from the grief I was feeling.

(Maddie would do these and I just miss her)
          
          Yaya:graduated college with a degree in dance,she’s getting married in the fall (lo so, non ci posso credere neanche io)
          
          Bass:on the long path of becoming a psychologist,two years in,we’ve got this
          
          Lula:just graduated high school (in her words “no more fucking boarding schools”),she got accepted into college here in NYC,she wants to major in musical theater 
          
          Maddie:would’ve done great things,forever stuck in junior year
          
          Bengi:eternal troublemaker,her first year of secondary came and went,top of her class (not) surprisingly 
          
          Maze:contrary to popular belief,he’s the tame twin,same as Bengi only dropped a few grades (kid lost his sister and mother,understandable)
          
          Axel:your favorite baby ever is now in second grade,he’s so big it’s absolutely crushing knowing how much you adored him,he’s growing up so quickly and he’s so smart and we are all so proud of him 
          
          Sacha and Parker are okay from what I’ve been told,I haven’t seen them since I got practically thrown out of the house with Ceres in my arms after mum’s funeral.
          
          Ceres goes to daycare while her buu and dadda are at school,she is my moon and stars.
          
          Ibrahim also attended a daycare while yaya was in school,he kinda looks like Lorenxo (a lot like dad)

As a graduation gift,I flew Lula out to NY.
          
          There’s nothing as painful as being a twin less twin

In a short time,I will be 20.
          
          My golden birthday.
          
          Two days later it will be a year since my sister died.
          
          I am confused,because how is this my reality? Living without my mom,my sisters and my brothers? Away from everyone I love?
          
          My world is turned upside down Maddie,it truly is,but you should see the good parts of it.
          
          I have our moon,little Ceres is with me and Dakota in NY,Yaya has Ibrahim and the rest of your babies are with dad.
          
          But this little moon...
          
          She's like you,she's fiesty and stubborn and picky,she's spoiled rotten and has started calling Dak dadda because we are all she knows now.
          
          You would've loved living here with us

My sweetest and most missed Maddie,
          
          Today you got the biggest surprise in heaven,mom has gone up to join you.
          
          As heartbroken as we all are,we know all she wanted was to be reunited with Hattie,Leon,Adriel and you and I’m so happy she gets to see all of you again.
          
          I love you Maddie and I love you mom,don’t worry Iyara,Lula,Bengala,Maze,Axl,Parker,Sacha,Ceres,Ibrahim and I will be fine because we have each other 

Fuck Maddie,you deserved to be at the wedding