Musa Nicolas

I want to die.

I’m pretty bad at keeping up with this but I think it’s because of the  thoughts that swarm my mind: and today’s stood out. 
          
          Being drunk on the thought of death is a weird, numbing sensation that makes you feel empty of everything. You don’t realize it till you’re sober, like what happened with me today. 
          
          I sobered up a lil, just enough to get the ugly hangover; fearing death. You snap out of this state where the thought of dying is more comforting than living, you get terrified of yourself, feel the anxiety build up and take you over if you don’t go back. 
          
          You realize you’re breathing and being alive inside the jaws of a nameless monster. 
          
          I feel buzzed right now, my hearts thumping in my chest and my fingers tremble as I write this. Maybe I shouldn’t have helped my classmate, he called me a hypocrite when I said hurting yourself won’t solve anything 
          
          He’s right about it though, not like I’ll listen. 
          
          Better I cut myself up and down than someone else.

Ahhh lovely day two of whatever the fuck I’m doing in this website.
          
          24 hours and for a second I thought this day would go swimmingly with just a few bumps of self hatred and suicidal ideation but nah. 
          
          Ya know sometimes I wished I had one perfect parent, cause I already got a crappy one so it’s only fair right? Well this dude here isn’t bad, kinda like a bear at most but he tends to ask for a few things I can’t do
          
          This bear likes to compare me to others, like most parents do. It’s always the same shit and I sometimes stand there and think “well if you like that person so much why not take them into your pack”
          
          Cause I mean, you’re always gonna talk about the next person, the one that fills the spots I don’t. 
          
          But it has to be me since I was the one that was born right, since you claim to love me so much yet I’m never enough 
          
          I can’t do the things you ask me to because they aren’t me and yet when you ask me to open myself you reject me and put an act that I’m still that person in your dreams without realizing the gashes you place over this undesired body

Funny how I think this the only place where I can truly vent. Fucking watt pad man, literally no where else.
          
          Probably because I hate talking about my feelings and having conversations on them but at the same time I have this need to grab a megaphone and just scream till my throats sore
          
          I got problems, none too big but not easy to ignore either 
          
          Emotional instability, depression, suicidal thoughts, etc. A land mine of emotions ready to pop on a daily basis. Feels real fucking nice man, the medicine won’t even kick in till a month and a half from now. 
          
          In resume my life is a mess

<3

Hey Michi Would you mind checking out my romance book BLUES? 

posted a new story, enjoy https://www.wattpad.com/story/97240571

been so lazy to write lately lol, wonder if unravel will ever come to the light or will i change my mind and keep on with clockhearts haha.........

Ppfftt. Ur acc sucks