cara

nothing about this is okay

tw: anxiety attacks, self harm, suicidal thoughts
            
            
            so basically i am not doing well. i don’t know what set me off this weekend but i’ve really been going through it. i isolated myself for basically the past three days and straight up started ignoring my friends’ calls yesterday because i was having really bad anxiety and suicidal thoughts. i just wanted to be alone but i also didn’t think that was a good idea so i was thinking about reaching out but i knew they were all hanging out and having a good night and i didn’t want to ruin that or be a burden to them so i just didn’t. i was scratching at my arms pretty bad and biting at my fingers and usually that helps just to have like an outlet but it wasn’t working and i got to the point where i was seriously contemplating cutting. i didn’t but it was really hard to go through and scary to see and feel how low i could get. i am still not doing great today but tried reaching out to my friends. i apologized for missing their calls and said i wasn’t doing that well and had an anxiety attack because one took an hour to answer but didn’t say much and the other didn’t at all. i ended up texting later to see if i could go over to their dorm bc they had invited me earlier and when i got there i felt like they were all mad at me. everything just felt off and im scared they really are mad or like think that im just doing this. but i don’t know how else to reach out besides saying a little and then glossing over it when we meet up. i wish they could see how bad it is because i feel like i really need someone right now but im not sure how to do this. i know they’re all stressed out and have a lot of stuff going on especially with school and i don’t want to take time away from them. so yeah <3