-ᴠɪɪɪ-

Cool.
          
          Get fucking hit and almost a broken arm just for asking if they can treat me a little better. 
          
          Fucking cool.

...
          
          
          "I gave you a good life. A better one than your childhood. If you go and commit suicide, you're just throwing my sacrifice back in my face and I would have made all this effort for nothing."
          
          "just think about the people you care about the most. Not only will you disappoint them but you'll willingly hurt them."
          
          "you may as well just tell everyone that everything they've ever done for you was for nothing if you're gonna think up stupid things like that."
          
          I, for one, am incredibly aware of all the good things that people have done for me, all the effort they've put in to help me, the things they've done to make my life better and such. And I'm terribly sorry that my bad thoughts disrespect them like this but the point still stands.
          
          I still have the urges to do this to myself because of my own intrusive thoughts. It doesn't mean I don't appreciate anyone.
          
          With everyone who knows me so well and better than anyone else, I depend on the fact that they'd understand these things because they know me so well. I feel stuck and unsure when they don't take those things into consideration.

that's the thing with suicide tho...
          
          There's a lot of us who know full well that we're loved despite feeling that we're not. Personally, I know my family and friends love me. I know it may hurt them if something were to happen to me. But I have also seen them work thru and grow thru their grief, I have seen their lives get better and more stable after they have spent some time pondering and longing for one of our loved ones who have passed on so I am confident that eventually, I'm putting emphasis on thee word eventually, everyone will be okay.
          
          I'm fully confident in the affections that people have for me.
          
          However, what I struggle with the most is my own intrusive thoughts. Though they are unreasonable... They tend to reason with me and convince me that this is a good option for me to take. Not the best option, I know, but a good one.
          
          What upsets me is when there are those who become angry with me and say things like
          
           "you're being selfish, you're not thinking about the hurt you'll cause others."
          
          "what about me? If you thought about me, you would never even entertain these dangerous thoughts."
          
          "why are you even feeling this way, you know I love you, you're just being stupid."
          
          "yeah, well, I deal with suicidal thoughts every day but you don't see me trying to kill myself."
          
          "you have no reason to think that way, you weren't hurt exactly in the way that I was hurt."
          
          "youll never understand what it was like to ensure the suffering I had to, so if anyone should have a real reason for doing this, it should rightfully be me and not you."
          
          "I just think you're being ungrateful, your life is way better than mine. At least you have people who love and care for you."
          
          "you weren't betrayed like I was, so idk why you would want to do that anyways."
          
          .... 

Idk if you'll get my text messages or not, but I hope you do, Starlit.
          Love you <3
          
          ~ Orion

Orion and Starlit, please remember what this means

Hello beautiful one,
          
          I have FINALLY responded! Sorry for the wait :( and there's an email heading your way too...
          
          Love you! Bye!
          
          ~ Orion

Hey Jose,
          
          I haven't responded yet but I left a little something in our book. Take a look and I'll respond soon I promise!
          
          Love,
          Orion

Ah Starlit!
          
          I finished my response!! 
          
          ~ Orion

Hey hey!! Starlit. I haven't finished responding yet, but I did put an excerpt from a thing i wrote on AO3 in the drafts since you sent one! (I'll tell you all of the beautiful things i thought about yours in my response ;) )
          
          ~ Orion

(I'm looking on your page and you always have the most thoughtful posts I've seen on Wattpad, Starlit, haha)
          
          I responded!!!
          
          ~ Orion