ladyfourth

i wnjoyed yesterday! maybe because i’ve read manhwas with hot gorgeous men but also because, idk. i think that’s the only reason bwahahahaha. i also had a dream. quite weird actually.

ladyfourth

i can remember that politically-corrected fairytale i’ve written as a project for my art class. being fond of aladdin, i wrote a maranao version of jasmine and her struggles to overcome conservatism within the muslim community. i noticed that i got the highest grades among us. 
          
          but it’s kinda funny. i wrote that panicking with the nearing deadline. not to mention, my parents fought like wild animals. while i agree that i no longer feel emotions when i witness them scream their lungs out and break all things that surround them, i chose to stop accomplishing my story. if i didn’t, they might see me as a child who does not care. it is true. my concern is at the lowest point. but the concern is primarily for my little brothers.

ladyfourth

im here again. its been found. i am grateful yet ashamed and scared. 
          
          my social anxiety keeps on haunting me. three days more and we’ll have our swimming with my family. but why do i feel terrified? im not yet ready to face my titas and titos and cousins… and i bet my absence would not make a difference. 
          
          last swimming, i had i dunno. is it a panic attack? a sudden energy death? i dont really know what that feeling was but that certain feeling, a mixture of isolation, envy, and worthlessness, hindered me to enjoy the experience. i turned my back away from them because they were too different from me.
          
          im afraid it might happen again. i mean, its happening in this family with my mom, and it might happen with them too.
          
          but whatever this selfish one-sided thoughts are, i know they are problematic. so i was planning of seeking help from a professional when i am able to become independent from my parents.
          
          like when i have my dorm and my allowance, i think i can do whatever i deem necessary in my life without thinking of my parents’ opinions and burdens . when i’d buy some shampoo, i would no longer be anxious of their judgement. or when i pray (if ever i’d pray), i would not wonder about their thoughts. when i fail, they’ll be away from me to even see of what disappointing expression they would wear on their face. 
          
          in short, i’d be alone, free from pain and anxiety, but free from hurting others.  solitude comforts me.

ladyfourth

i’ve been depressed for so long. 
          
          all it takes is to say the word “help” however, i can’t. i’m afraid no one will believe me. and most terrifyingly, no one would care. what if they laugh? what if they shrug it off? what if i dont matter at all?
          
          oh life… what a curse bestowed upon me if sorrow outweighs a worthful joy.

ladyfourth

maybe this is a bad omen. maybe i should isolate myself where i wont hurt other people, and where people wont hurt me. but how could i? this bond called family hinders me to do so. i dont know.
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ladyfourth

still here. how are you? i just did simething unforgiveavle. i lost my mom’s earring, which she said was worth 35k. i dont really know. it’s not like i lost it outside the house being careless, but its still my fault nonetheless for being careless inside the hourse. 
            
            for some reason, i feel defeated. the first of november, with undying depression from my dark memories when i was 14… i must be hated. by God. by my Mom. by anyone. 
            
            or worse, maybe i dont really matter.
            
            and i feel like that earring might become a trigger pkint of reason- reason to let me go and be hated forever.
            
            or i can just be optimistic and pray earnestly to God.
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pheia_

Greetings my co-wp reader, 
            if you're a mistery/thriller fan, may I recommend to you Ms.Vinauxx's new story: Dark Site and her on going story:Group Chat. 
          Please read and support Ms.Vinauxx's stories. 
          ~Author's name: Vinauxx
          ~Stories: Group Chat & Dark Site... 
          ~Genre: Mystery/Thriller 
          ~She also have Fanfics and other genres, please support it too. 
          ~Thank you
          I'll support your stories too