lashtonlarry01

Sometimes I wonder if you’d notice if I was gone. If you would care. If you ever cared at all. 

It’s bad when you realize that you don’t feel happy around your closest friends anymore..

I have a blade in a box. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately... I’ve been clean since April. Last night I looked into the mirror, and I didn’t see the happy person I am. What I saw was the girl I used to be. The one that cried all the time, felt hopeless and lonely, the one that got so bad that she’d leave over a hundred cuts on her wrists, the one that would hide behind her music and hair and dark clothes and long sleeves... I saw a pale, sick looking face, and I saw dull eyes. I didn’t see me anymore. Everything feels so hard lately. That blade in that box is on my mind all the time now. And I don’t know what to do...

Sometimes I get a sudden wave of loneliness. And it gets so bad.. it feels like I’m breaking.. and it’s in those times where my whole support system isn’t around to help remind me I’m okay and that I’m loved. And it’s by coincidence, it’s not because they’re not around that I feel this way. It’s just that, when I start feeling this way they aren’t around to help me out of it. The feeling.. it’s like, no matter what or how many times you tell me you love me and tell me that I’m good enough I’ll never actually be good enough. And my chest and throat just get tighter as I fight off the tears, and when they finally spill it’s like my everything has broken. I feel like I’ll never get out of it. And it’s so debilitating... I try to do things to get out of it, but I just can’t function. I can’t think. I drop or break things or accidentally hurt myself. So it starts feeling pointless to fight it so I just sit and cry and I don’t stop until I physically can’t cry anymore- not because I don’t need to. And then all I can do is sit there feeling broken and numb and empty...

I feel like everything is spiraling and like nothing is important anymore. What's wrong with me..?

Sometimes I feel so insignificant to the people around me. Sometimes I feel as if nobody would notice if I disappeared. Sometimes I wonder why I'm really here. Sometimes I question my existence and the existence of everyone that surrounds me. Sometimes I wonder if everything I go through day to day is worth it. Sometimes I wonder if this heartache is worth it. Sometimes I wonder if my suffering is enough. Sometimes I wish I knew what everyone was thinking. Sometimes I just want to make someone happy, but I feel like all I really do is disappoint people. Sometimes I sit and go through all the reasons as to why I should keep trying. Sometimes I can't find any. Sometimes I look to my friends for help, but sometimes nobody is there to help me. Sometimes I just wonder why everything is the way that it is. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I was raised differently or if I was put in a different social class. Sometimes I wonder why everyone is so biased and hateful. Why can't everyone just be loving and selfless? Why can't people just open up and stop being so cruel? Why can't people be humble and kind? Why can't people put aside popularity and look to those who are "insignificant"? Why can't we just be equal? Why can't people just be.. humane? Sometimes I feel like there's no love in this world. And the little bit I do sometimes find is quickly ripped away because "that's just life." So if life is so cruel what's the point of it? If people are so cruel then what's the point of being one of them?