laurel

oh how desperately i want to write and how desperately little time i have to do so

not me logging on in the first time in a month for 202 notifications, no. not that

hi guys its been like a month in which i haven't even opened wattpad yes wow so great, probably will continue like this for a while, i do want to post stories on here but I've realized that i am a very rough rough drafter and then revise type of gal and the whole write and post immediately stuff that I've tried hasn't worked. during the month I've been gone I've barely written 500 words in any fiction words but too many in essays to count. In short school is very very stressful and very time-consuming. Volleyball has also started back up with some intense covid regulations so I'm working, schooling and practicing and trying to figure out how to sleep. I;ve tried melatonin and a worked a few times but mostly the fight between how tired i am and how fast my brain goes when i get into bed is usually won by the latter and having increased meletonin just makes me thinking more like waking nightmares which i am not for. 
          on a happy note i am having fewer migraines with the downside that the medicine used to do that lowers my already very very low blood pressure therefore making me feel like absolute crap all the time and the anti depression meds are just making my anxiety like a bajillion times worse. The only thing good going on rn is that more matcha should be getting here by Wednesday and i went a splurged and a really cute coat that was much needed but i am also in love with.
          also getting a therapist thingy that will hopefully help me sleep honestly idk
          however i have trained myself tolowkey enjoy straight black coffee so now i can pull that party trick out when i actually have people who socialize w me other then my best friend.
          that was very long and uncalled for but if you are nosy or possibly a sadist and get enjoyment off of other peoples hardships then i hope that was enjoyable for you. 
          i will try to write and get something posted but i again, have silch motivation
          love y'all

literally had an anxiety attack this morning at 3 am because i was listening to my heartbeat and for some reason started freaking out about the fact that every heartbeat and every breath will never come back and my life is getting shorter every day.  So I got up at 3 am, but i went to sleep at 1 am and i just- I wanted to sleep in but  i literally couldn't like it was about to have heart palpitations because i was... wasting my life? by... living? ANyway this sucks im going to make myself some boba and write a stupid pointless essay and study for a test. 
          Anxiety is so weird what the heck

I have had a migraine every day for the past 9 days. 
          9 days.
          I needed this week to catch up. I really really needed it and-
          anyway, i can't take the medicine every time i get a migraine tho because its really strong and i just got on preventers but they take 3 months to fully work. 
          So, I'm very stuck. 
          I just, I just hate this right now. It's probably the most frustrating thing that has ever happened to me, I'm just like, constantly in pain or zooted on drugs. 
          Also i got my blood drawn to try to figure out another super sucky health issue I've had for a few months so I'm just scared its something serious. It's all just scary, it's really really scary and I'm barely holding onto my grades so that doesn't help at all.  I'm just scared and so freaking frustrated.
          If you are the praying type it would be very appreciated, because this sucks, a lot and a lot.

Merry Christmas everyone, I truly hope you all have a wonderful day :)

Ahaha, just started anti-depressants along with a bunch of other crap that could help me feel better so yea fun times.
          also I'm sorry I'm so inactive, school is very very stressful and literally takes up all of my life so yea, until things get better they won't (wow deep) anywho, Merry Christmas, and I hope those you celebrate it had a great Hanukkah. i might pop back in again soon, i literally have no idea bc rn times doesn't exist okay bye luv ya

does anyone else get so stressed they become calm? When you've passed beyond stressed and everything but emergency services has shut down in your brain and yeah you're freaking out but like... you're chill.

thanks for the follow :)

someone just asked me to hold their baby, like very small baby she's only like 2 months old and it has made my whole week. I haven't held that small of a baby in so long and I'm just so happy rn i could die