lesbsquad

I had a dream, nights ago. 
          Over and over I called you, runned to you, and tried to stop you.
          You didnt hear, didnt even turn, you kept walking and that's what tore me up.
          I couldn't keep your from the scythe hanging above your neck. You were destined to repeat this over and over, with me by your side. 
          Tortured.
          Horrified.
          Broken.
          I cant fix myself, and time seems endless where pain resides. My life is in shambles, my mind collapsing.
          I'm on the brink of breaking down. I cant do this no more. I wanna cry but my body auto piloting. 
          If I cry, rivers flood and oceans rock, earthquakes happen, and gates of blood flow within. 
          You heard me, finally, but I threaten you keeping you at bay from the doors. It works for a minute but time stops, you push me down and run out. 
          Your death never stops, I can save you, and time plays with the strings of my heart.
          You cant win when death is your opponent. 

9-30-19
          If I would have known that on this day today, I would have lost you. I would have gone together in that car with you. I think it would've been better. People keep calling me your name. It hurts.
          I cry every night when everyone sleeps. I, once, thought that if I lost you, I would be able to cope. Now I know how naive I was. I'm not gonna let people run over me anymore. Like I promised you. 
          I wish it didn't happen but that doesn't change anything. You're gone and it feels like a huge hole is inside me. I'm gonna live on forever for you though. Like you would've wanted me to.

Im in pain. She never actually loved me i think, just wanted someone to justify her presence, to give her love where she wasnt getting any, to spend their time listening to her problems and talking her away from death front door. She dumped me after she was done ruining me. She loved the moment it was over, i think, she favored it. That moment gave her power, the power to feel superiority over someone who actually cared and listened. She chose this, i didnt, didnt want get hurt, i thought i could trust her, guess i was wrong, serves me right for trusting the wrong person.  It hurts alot, knowing she waited until she really got me lovin her before she took a huge crap on my heart, knowing i trusted her and wanted to be with her so bad. It just really hurts me, knowin she'll never have my love again, but at the same time im still loving her dorky smile, nerdy attitude and her personality. I want the hurt to stop, but im just not quite ready to move on yet. Thats the bottom line. Im not ready to move on and it bothers me that i still love her this much, that it still hurts this much, that i still cry that much for someone who decided they never wanted to be in my life in the first place.

Im sorry these thoughts run through my head.
          Sorry these thoughts keep me from my bed. 
          Every night i lay awake, and pray these thoughts go away.
          Every night, that knife gleams bright. And every person flashes through my mind. I cant take back these mistakes i made. But if i die, these thoughts might shake.
          My heads hurts and i cant breathe. Wish telling my family would ease the pain. But they look at me with such happiness, the thought of telling them i hurt makes my heart quake. I know im loved, which makes this worse. 
          They never said saying good bye could hurt this much. But then again, those thoughts love to scrape every ounce of my happiness and throw it away. 
          I hate to leave with so much, as an i love you to the ones who touched my heart so much. I hate to tell you ive lived this depression for years. I hate to tell you i have cut. But im living proof that things get better. And i hope this message impacts someone who was going throught the samething i did.
          I hope these thoughts get better and better.