Dear C

          Amidst chaos,
          
          How can I still stand this…still? If not still, how can I still breathe? All of a sudden, the words tastes bitter now. Hearing them, makes me uncomfortable. I’d rather do actions.
          
          A word without needing to find proof of what is said. But through actions. I’m so sick of, “I’ll be better”. When even those words come out of my mouth, makes me sick. 
          
          Right now, I’m in this deep hole that I find myself not wanting to get out. The light that is so beautiful, I rather see from afar. I feel this darkness consuming my heart. I no longer want to feel, but to see. Sometimes it’s bad, but I believe it is only okay, because I’m not worthy of the light.
          
          I want to be okay, but do I deserve to be? 
          
          If my heart is not willing to surrender anymore, where will I be? Sometimes that thought alone scares me. That I’ve been hurt and lost for so long, that I want to stop trying to understand love.

I'm so mad that, writing this, it doesn't do any justice to my reality. That every word given, feels weightless. Easily washed from the shore over to the massive size of the ocean. Words that floats, but never reaches a destination.
          
          I want to love and be loved ten times fold. Where I'm his lifeline, his motivation, inspiration, admiration and the only one in his eyes. The type of look he'd give me, without saying anything, but understanding it. That when I just looked at him from the distant, he'll give me a contagious smile that will drive me insane. Where we'll do things we've never done before or things we've never done together.
          
          Where it rains so loud outside the car and we're just jamming to music. Holding hands and enjoying each other's company.
          
          Where I find him cute and he finds me adorable. 
          
          That flowers is just a mere accesory but he finds me beautiful, even when I feel the worst about myself. 
          
          So when I look into his eyes, I feel safe knowing I'm protected. That if the world comes to the end, he's still there by my side, loving me as strongly as I do towards him. To die of old age, knowing our kids and grandchilren are thoroughly loved.
          
          Where I finally get to taste the life I have been robbed off. The beach, the warm sand that always looks so inviting in pictures. The random fireplace that you get to be around at night. 
          
          Or to Paris, finally seeing the stupid eiffel tower that is so tall, you want to experience seeing it with your own eyes and dies of happiness upon seeing the beauty in simplicity, just because he's with me.
          
          Or when he opens the door for me, kissing my hand just to make me laugh from how affectionately silly is. That I'd just think to myself, "Are we sure this is reality?"
          
          Where I can feel the glow radiating off of me, so strongly.
          
          And it's so maddening that it sounds like a dream. But every word comes from the heart that yearns for something better in this complicated life. A wish to come down upon my cursed ass since birth.

Run
          
          
          Run to safety, run from the sins, run from the midnight thoughts that drives you crazy. But every step I take, my feet cracks. The agony seeps through, making me slower and slower. Until I feel my knees dropped onto the asphalt. Tears that feels endless doesn't heal the agony and injury I face. So I decided to get up and run. Run until my other foot breaks. This time falling on my knees and my elbows cracking from taking the impact. But I get up to run again. On this never ending path, that looks the same even from a distance.
          
          The exhaustion I refused to acknowledge is now too obvious to ignore. But I can't find any water, causing the dryness to take over my throat. Like a desert, almost. With nobody in there, but me. Is it a trap or my destiny?

With everything that is happening, the thought of you suddenly felt...home. A warm one that hopes, somewhere in your heart, we're still okay. That no matter the stage in life, we exist in our private world, where we are both happier. 
          
          A brief kiss that lasts for a liftetime. That's what you are. Not a scar, but the kind of kiss that sends burning sensation through your stomach. The kind that when you look back, the pain becomes invincible. Where I can imagine the world, where we are both laying in bed. Playing with each other's hands. The warmth of the sun and it's light shining through the curtains, perfectly fitted in our environment.

Going through my delusional phase right now. Recreating scenes in my head that never happened, but only saw in movies. 
          
          
          I refuse to sleep. It's a way to keep myself punished for everything that has happened. Grieving a soul you so let go of. And was so ready to let go. Then it comes back to haunt you. The worst part is, it should have been them haunting you, but ends up being the ghost of them.
          
          The dreams that keeps entering my mind. Either he's with a new family or found himself a girlfriend. I'd rather see him happy in my dreams, now that I am no longer a part of his life.
          
          Everything that once existed so strongly between us remained a mist. A mist of depression that vanishes, then comes back again with that same coldness piercing through your heart.
          
          Forcing myself everytime I think of you, that things ended already.  That you're way happier now. Hoping that you've learned your lessons and is loving somebody as twice hard as I have loved you. Even if it comes to the point of our memories becoming distant. As long as in my dreams, I see you and that is the reality. Of you becoming happier without me.

Ceilings - Lizzy McAlpine
          
          
          Ceilings, plaster
          Can't you just make it move faster?
          Lovely to be sitting here with you
          You're kinda cute but it's raining harder
          My shoes are now full of water
          Lovely to be rained on with you
          It's kinda cute but it's so short
          
          [Chorus]
          Then you're driving me home
          And I don't wanna leave
          But I have to go
          You kiss me in your car
          And it feels like the start of a movie I've seen before
          Before
          
          Bed sheets, no clothes
          Touch me like nobody else does
          Lovely to just lay here with you
          You're kinda cute and I would say all of this
          But I don't wanna ruin the moment
          Lovely to sit between comfort and chaos
          
          [Chorus]
          But it's over
          Then you're driving me home
          And it kinda comes out as I get up to go
          You kiss me in your car
          And it feels like the start of a movie I've seen before
          
          But it's not real
          And you don't exist
          And I can't recall the last time I was kissed
          It hits me in the car
          And it feels like the end of a movie I've seen before
          Before

"Distant Memory I Have Glimpse of" 
          
          [ ◉¯]
          
          
          It was dark already. I could only feel the cold wind brushing through my skin, causing the little hairs to raise on my arms. When I saw that figure again. The figure I am so sure of I already forgotten...have I really?
          
          It wasn't moving at all. Just standing and staring at me, with its void. The dark navy ocean whispers with the wind, as I glance back at the shadow-like figure for a few moment. I turned around, not wanting to look at it anymore. 
          
          I don't understand...I've been at Daisy's birthday parties every year without missing one. Even hung-out with different people for the past years and I was happy. Sad, when I went through the losses, but that is beside the point. 
          
          My point is that, I always find myself back on this beach. Sometimes even waiting for that figure to appear again. When I'm not here, my sleep is always disrupted. I can't find satisfaction in both being here and being away from the figure. It's so strange that, I can also feel myself slowly becoming like that figure. 
          
          A month had passed, I came home and lay myself down on the couch. Closing my eyes, when I know I won't be able to sleep anyways. I tried anyways, when the silent thoughts redirected me back to the dark beach.
          
          There I found myself running again. Wasting every single breath, as I looked for it. I saw a small light emanating from the shore. I ran as fast as I could, until I fell onto my knees right infront of this small fading-light. There was a firefly stuck inside the jar, but its light was fading. There was a small letter attach to it even.
          
          I opened the jar, but the firefly remained still. So I took the letter carefully and decided to read it.
          
          It said, "It's been years. Time to change the light. I'm leaving this beach. Here's something to remind you of me." - G.M.
          
          Realization struck me. This letter was dated 7 months ago. Then I woke up to reality. I've been in my bed for so long and refused to wake up.

          I love Jesus so much. 

"A Coffee Made by You" written by Dear C.
          
          = ☕︎ =
          
          
          Stirring on my sleep gently, I could feel the sun's warmth also trying to wake me up with its light. Passing through the soft-beige curtains, barely protecting us from the wakeup call.
          
          My husband, there lay down beside me, arm wrapped around my body protectively. And I could have sworn he smelled of sweet-roasted coffee that causes my heart to palpitate, every time I get to feel his skin in this conscious state.
          
          His rough voice, but his sweet words causes my stomach to feel the tingles, as it vibrates through my soul. His love, warmth, breath, everything about him is so addictive. He felt the same about me, as my gaze was enough to cause him to crack up a tender smile. Caressing my hair and pressing a kiss onto my forehead, as we both sit up to stretch.
          
          We stared at each other for awhile and laughed just like that. Already starting our day on a warm touch, just like the coffee we make in the mornings.
          
          
          -- Just felt like writing <3 UR girl is in her writing era again, and when I say that, it means I AM UNSTOPPABLE!!! ᕙ(˘ ³˘)ᕗ

April 24, 2025
          
          "Soulmates ☘︎ ݁˖"
          
          
          --What is the true definition of it? For some, I have heard it's when two souls are connected. Fated.
          
          For me, there was no other definition for that time. Everything felt like written when I met that soul. Almost like we could understand each other without having to speak. It was only for a day, but my happiness lasted up until now. 
          
          I remember praying to God that night, telling Him that I'll be happy just by interacting with anyone, even if it won't start a friendship. But God did not disappoint me, He made me so happy.
          
          It would be silly to call that person an angel, but their soul was so open, compassionate and made me feel like I was truly being watched by God. I never felt alone. It lasted for hours just us having the time of our lives in a little game, yet everything just felt like...it made sense. All that mattered was each other.
          
          We added each other, but I was too shy to say hi. Still is up to this day. I disappointed myself, since it's been a month and days ever since that night happened. Am I scared? Most likely. Only because it felt too good to be true, but God is also too good to be true, but He is real! Am I worried? Sure is! But I will forever be grateful to that memory and cherish it in my heart. I have been blessed.