レヴィの最後の希望

my mental health is getting worse and worse by day. 
          
          i keep telling me every day it gets better but it doesn’t seem like it. 
          I have to hide so many times my lies at a day because if i tell the truth they would ask me “why” and i cant answer that cus i dont know by myself the reason all of this. 
          how many times i tried to not cry and smile instead because i didnt want to ruin the mood. 
          It wouldve been selfish if i had ruin the mood of other people knowing they have their own problems to solve. 
          
          Someday i will be happy.
          I dont know when but i will be happy, right?
          So for now i’ll be trying to do everything i can to survive this shi until that day comes. 
          
          I hope u guys can make it through too

Something is bothering me for a while now.
          Do you guys think mirror or phone front/back camera is more accurate?
          
          i always wonder how people see me. I wish i could see me through their eyes to know what exactly is wrong with me. 
          But then when i look in the mirror i do be looking so gorgeous but when i take a picture of me with my phone or generally i could cry because i look completely different.
          and I’m not even overreacting when i say different.
          
          No offense for the people with real disabilities
          (maybe i have myself some but I DONT KNOW CUS NO ONE IS TELLING ME THE TRUTH WHENEVER I ASK THEM. ANNOYING.) 
          so i feel like i have a disability because my face’s so weird and i cant even laugh properly (pretty) and always make so weird faces. 
          BUT THE MIRROR. I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA WHY THE DAMNNIT MIRROR MAKES ME LOOK SO DIFFERENT, SO PRETTY.
          like what? Theres no way. 
          
          yeah so do you guys think i should trust mirror or phone??
          I feel like i should believe phone more but i hope its not true‍♀️
          
          
          

Do you guys think make up can fix other’s insecurities? Does make up like that actually exist in real life? Maybe thats why people wear make up whenever they go outside. 
          
          I never tried to use make up before because i thought i won‘t look at least a lil bit prettier with it. Maybe i was wrong. 
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          But wearing make up to feel prettier is something you‘ll get hated for in this generation. If you‘re not naturally pretty, you‘ll get hate, but if u tryna hide that with make up, people will make fun of you. 
          like sorry if i‘m not natural pretty born?
          This generation is expecting too much from us or was it always like that? 
          
          
          Recently i wanted to find a temporary job but my mom said i couldn’t work yet because my face doesn’t fit in. its not like i ever tried to fit in but it still really hurt. 
          
          Maybe i should grow out and act like the people in my age. I should try to use make up and cover up my insecurities like almost everyone does.
          -
          -
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          But is that really what i wanted?
          Is this really making me happy?
          
          I’ve still don’t have any idea who i really am.
          Who i deeply want to be. 
          
          Although, what if that’s exactly who i am right now?
          I‘m someone who’s trying new stuff to become the person who i always wanted to be.
          Maybe that point of view isn’t too bad.
          
          
          For now, im in a Journey finding out something what truly makes me happy.