litbxtchfel

I wish I could open up
          I wish I could talk about it
          But all I can do is watch my blood leak
          Leak from this horrible body I was given 
          ugly
          fat
          just stupid 
          why can’t I be perfect 
          why can’t I be happy??
          WHY CANT I STAY CLEAN
          WHY MUST I DO THIS TO MYSELF 
          I FUCKING HATE IT 

It’s been a month or so
          And we’ve grew closer
          We act is if we’re together
          Though we both want it
          We are both scared
          What if it won’t work out?
          What if something bad happeneds?
          Is this really a good idea?
          but I don’t mind if I get hurt again 
          If I get to spend a few months of my life
          With someone like you 
          I’d give anything for it 
          I’d give anything to be yours again 
          maybe you feel the same?
          I hope you do 
          You make me feel amazing 
          You make me feel happy with my body
          Though I’ve tried to become slimmer for you
          I feel as if you don’t mind me being as I am
          And I love that about you 
          fuck I just..
          I love you.

my feelings grow
          my stomach full of butterflies 
          when you laugh and smile 
          you learn a song just for me 
          for the lyrics you felt as if were meant for us 
          “I may not be that important to you but to me girl your so much more than gorgeous”
          i don’t mind what you call me 
          maybe one day i could call you mine 
          once again 
          our love was beautiful 
          we cared so much 
          i can’t help but feel 
          what if it’s stronger now?
          will you promise not to hurt me?
          i want you to stay..
          i don’t want to lose you once more 
          i would love to stay your friend 
          but i would love to be yours even more..
          please awake soon
          tell me how you feel..
          i hope im not alone 
          i hope the feelings are mutual 
          because the love i have for you 
          i feel as if i can’t hide anymore..
          :/ 

2020 I believe 
          We broke up
          you had cheated on me
          And I was hurt
          We both had said rude things afterwards
          My friends wouldn’t stop harassing you
          I felt bad..
          I wanted to stop their words
          but I was so upset
          and hurt I didn’t do anything 
          you begged me to love you again 
          And deep down I did
          we had eachother blocked for months
          Too scared to speak 
          until the other day 
          you broke the silence 
          and we called
          we laughed and watched movies 
          i felt my feelings grow
          tho you may not feel the same 
          who am i to know? 
          i told you I love you 
          A minute ago
          now to wait for you to awake 
          please don’t let me go..

can I deal with the pain he caused me anymore?
          has someone new caught his interest?
          is she thinner than me?
          prettier than me?
          funnier than me?
          does she have more things in common with him?
          he hurt me so deeply
          leaving me alone in this hole 
          my knight leaving again..
          will I ever find the one?
          will they ever rescue me from the dark place?
          or will I be trapped here forever..?
          i wish I could come out 
          I wish I could see the beautiful in life again
          but I can’t see anything but darkness around me
          maybe if he stayed I would be better now
          but nothing lasts forever 
          not even love. 

you go on like it meant nothing
          you don’t even talk to me
          you dont act like you even know me
          were you embarrassed of me?
          did you regret the almost 6 months..
          you said you loved me
          you said you cared 
          but it was all lies wasn’t it?
          why did i ever trust you 
          why did i think you actually cared
          you didn’t care the first time we were together
          why did i think you would now..
          fuck you
          fuck you
          fuck you
          fuck you
          fuck you 
          fuck you.
          

WHY CANT ANYONE SAY THEY LOVE ME AND ACTUALLY FUCKING MEAN IT I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF SO BADLY WHY CANT I JUST FUCKING BE LOVED WHY DO I HAVE TO DEAL WITH EVERYONES PROBLEMS ALL THE FUCKING TIME AND NOBODY EVER WANTS TO HEAR MINE 

more scars than ever 
          more lines
          more blood dripping 
          it’s so beautiful 
          the blood draining from my body 
          the body i wish I was never given 
          the body I am so ashamed to have 
          why couldn’t i have been given a prettier one
          why couldn’t I have been given a skinnier one 
          a “normal” one..
          

the scars on my body nobody will love
          the marks I have put there 
          but everyone will look past it for pleasure just to leave
          you said you loved me 
          but 6 months ago today you said it for the first time 
          why end it all so easily..
          Why take away the only thing that was holding my heart together 
          now i am stuck 
          all alone 
          with nobody to save me..
          i wish you would’ve 
          before you left me.

i miss you so much
          why did you leave me 
          why did you go 
          you meant everything to me 
          you were my everything 
          please
          i loved you so much 
          please fucking come back..