Natalie

Worst birthday ever. 

Hey are you okay? I’ve read your updates and it sounds like you’re going through things that I feel. If you see this feel free to message me. I feel you. I really do. 

I hate myself. I hate school. I haven’t even started and I already can see it ahead of me. I hate myself. I hate my self confidence. I hate how I’m scared of being me. I hate how I can’t tell anyone. 

I managed to spit in my own eye, lol. 

Am I okay? Honestly, yes. My life is considerably better than others’. My parents love me, I have friends and I get along with my sister. I don’t have any mental illnesses, I eat plenty, can afford technology and the works. I just don’t FEEL okay. Does that make sense?

I feel like I have no real friends a lot. I left our friend’s GC because they ignore me, get annoyed by me and I don’t feel some of them even like me. One of them messaged me why I left. I don’t know how to say that I feel they don’t give a shit without actually saying that. 

I feel so much better at home. I want to stay in my room for a long time until I have to go to school. 

I don’t understand how no matter what the day always ends the same. I don’t get it. Someone please explain to me why every day ends with me crying. I really don’t get it. 

When I’m upset, I don’t talk. I shut myself down, I stop talking, I usually put on a YouTube video to make myself feel better, but usually when I’m upset it’s because I broke for that day. As in, so many shitty things happen and one small thing finally made me think, “nah, I’m done”, but no one knows that, they just think I’m upset over a stupid thing. They roll their eyes and move on. 
          
          So that happened yesterday and this morning my dad looked at me and told me that I “ignored his requests” (because I was watching a YouTube video without sound and with only captions even though he said nothing like that, but hey), “ruin the day for everyone” (fair enough) and that I should just “feign interest”, to which I responded that I do it everyday and I just get tired of doing it sometimes. So then he asked, “what do you think when you’re in a mood?” First off, calling it “a mood” isn’t going to help, but as I said before, I shut down and just think nothing, I stare off into space and just start singing songs in my head or something. So I told him that. And then he got pissed and told me that he can’t help me if I don’t tell him, that it’s upsetting for everyone when I’m in “those moods”. 
          
          I get it. I’ve been told that shit is my fault enough to recognise when it’s my fuckin’ fault. So yeah, maybe I should just “feign interest”, but it gets hard sometimes. And I’m sorry that I’m a human with bloody emotions. 
          
          But hey, it’s still my fault, right?

Did you know that eighty percent of happiness is genetic? If you’re really sad, it’s probably because your family is really sad. I told my dad and he just told me that my sister and I are just having hormones. Like, oh so the sadness and loneliness and emptiness I feel every day is just hormones lol okay thanks I’ll just go die in a hole now see you in the next life when I’m reborn as a depressed bumble bee.