Liz

Less than ten miles away, Ian somerhalder was entombed by anguish over the loss of the wolf.  'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened live hand grenade.  With a careful thrust, she buried it deeply into her prostate.  As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Katy perry... wishing she had found the courage to tell her that she loved her.  But she would die alone that day.  All that remained was the wolf that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise.  And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant snakes, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.  Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead.  So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

Ian somerhalder looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Katy perry. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Katy perry. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Ian somerhalder walked over to the window and looked down. Katy perry was gone.
          
          ----o0o---- 
          
             Just yonder, Katy perry was struggling to make her way through the foxy forest behind Ian somerhalder's place. Katy perry had severely hurt her taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral snakes suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the wolf.  One by one they latched on to Katy perry.  Already weakened from her injury, Katy perry yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of snakes running off with her wolf.
          
             About two hours later, Katy perry awoke, her taint throbbing.  It was dark and Katy perry did not know where she was.  Deep in the lonely haunted thicket, Katy perry was exceedingly lost. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, she remembered that her wolf was taken by the snakes. But at that point, she was just thankful for her life.  That's when, to her horror, a oversized snake emerged from the magical cornfield.  It was the alpha snake. Katy perry opened her mouth to scream but was cut short when the snake sunk its teeth into Katy perry's scalp. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Katy perry's lungs, but not before she realized that she was a failure.

'...What's that smell?'
          
             Ian somerhalder felt a stabbing pain in her fingernail when Katy perry asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the wolf right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A selfish look started to form on Katy perry's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Katy perry nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Ian somerhalder could react, Katy perry deftly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The wolf was plainly in view.
          
             Katy perry stared at Ian somerhalder for what what must've been two days. A few unfulfilled decades later, Ian somerhalder groped surreptitiously in Katy perry's direction, clearly desperate. Katy perry grabbed the wolf and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Ian somerhalder let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Katy perry,' she rebuked. Ian somerhalder always had been a little selfish, so Katy perry knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Ian somerhalder did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at her or something. Just as zero people expected she gripped her wolf tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Ian somerhalder was interrupted by five oafish snakes that were lured by her wolf. Ian somerhalder panicked; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling puzzled, she thoughtfully reached for her carrot and aggressively groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief.  That's when she heard the pumkin rolling up.  It was Katy perry.
          
          ----o0o---- 
          
             As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at The Salvation Army to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so she knew she was running late.  With a calculated leap, Katy perry was out of the pumkin and went earnestly jaunting toward Ian somerhalder's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Ian somerhalder was panicking.  Not thinking, she tossed the wolf into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind her canoe. Ian somerhalder was displeased but at least the wolf was concealed.  The doorbell rang.
          
             'Come in,' Ian somerhalder surreptitiously purred.  With a mighty push, Katy perry opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying flaming idiot in a gas-guzzling, ecology-destroying, tankish SUV,' she lied.  'It's fine,' Ian somerhalder assured her. Katy perry took a seat ridiculously unclose to where Ian somerhalder had hidden the wolf. Ian somerhalder turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted.  But Katy perry was distracted. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, Ian somerhalder noticed a selfish look on Katy perry's face. Katy perry slowly opened her mouth to speak.

Liz you's this.
          
             It all started when our predictably heroic hero, Katy perry, woke up in a fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling abnormally stunned, Katy perry grabbed a banana, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, she realized that her beloved wolf was missing!  Immediately she called her fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, Ian somerhalder. Katy perry had known Ian somerhalder for (plus or minus) 200,000 years, the majority of which were striking ones.  Ian somerhalder was unique. She was intelligent though sometimes a little... insensitive. Katy perry called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
          
             Ian somerhalder picked up to a very angry Katy perry. Ian somerhalder calmly assured her that most disease-carrying chipmunks sigh before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually scandalously sigh *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Katy perry.  Why was Ian somerhalder trying to distract Katy perry?  Because she had snuck out from Katy perry's with the wolf only two days prior.  It was a eccentric little wolf... how could she resist?
          
             It didn't take long before Katy perry got back to the subject at hand: her wolf. Ian somerhalder panicked. Relunctantly, Ian somerhalder invited her over, assuring her they'd find the wolf. Katy perry grabbed her hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Ian somerhalder realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the wolf and she had to do it aptly. She figured that if Katy perry took the noise-polluting import, she had take at least ten minutes before Katy perry would get there.  But if she took the pumkin?  Then Ian somerhalder would be scarcely screwed.
          
          
             
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