I honestly wanna write this down on paper but today i couldn't feel my right hand. Its numb again so i use wattpad to write. Let me talk in here as i have no one to talk to now. Well i have but i don't feel like bothering them. So yea, lets proceed.. Its obvious that i came there in the clinic to be checked so i didn't wasted any time. I opened up to her. Tho its hard for me but i remember Miss Tara, told me to trust the doctor/counsellor and i even thought and told to myself that she's gonna help me. She's my one and only chance to get better. To heal and forget all those bad memories that kept on flashing backs on my memory. She's a complete stranger, willing to listen and help me. I keep repeating that to myself. Until i found myself started talking. I started telling her my childhood abuse, how my "father" pointed a gun at me, forced me to work or be his child labourer on his farm, beat me when i did wrong or disobeyed him, got beaten just by staring or seeing my face, even if i didnt do anything.
And there's this one dream or nightmare, sometimes a flashback just rushed to my memory when i see lightning or hearing thunders. Or when i hear strong winds.
Even tho i love seas or ocean and i love to see thunderstorms, i'm scared of it. And the flashback that comes to my mind was always a young me, in a fishing boat alone, crying, calling my "father", crying for help, while there was a thunderstorm happening, strong winds that made the waves go angrier, and the lightning bounds to hit me and thunder that roars so loud made me feel so scared, sometimes when there's a loud thunderstorm, i had panic attacks, and fainted. Mostly i fainted when i hear them when i'm at home.
I exactly don't know what that flashbacks meant, maybe it does really happened but i'm not really sure. All i know is that, i'm scared of thunderstorms. And after i told my therapist/doctor all those childhood experiences she diagnosed me that i am suffering on PTSD.
